To be seriously angry that WE always have to do the visiting?!

[mrsoscarwilde]

I love my family to bits but most of my family live down the country. If I am honest, it is lovely for us to have the best of both worlds, yet it is as if time has frozen still when we go down. I pretend that I don't have another life.

I have had to make the journey down hundreds of times since my kids were babies.

Why do I bother you might ask? It is simply that my children would not have a relationship with their grandparents and cousins if I didn’t make the effort.

I have gotten the ‘we will come up and see you’ promises dished out – even over xmas but never any follow up. I have come to realise that this is a bit like borrowing a book from the library that you never actually read or sharing a Facebook post about homelessness but not actually doing anything remotely socially aware. In your head you feel by promising, you have done something virtuous. But the follow up on a promise is the hard bit.

Ok, we live in a smallish - yet it is a four-bedroom house. Very different to the monstrosities that people tend to build in the country. Yet I have felt that the living arrangements, the facilities are substandard, and this may be the reason why people do not come to visit. I had one family member mention that sleeping arrangements might be an issue when they declared ‘Well? Where shall we sleep?' I had no idea until this point that they had previously grown up in a house the acreage of Downton Abbey! 😊 How ever could one bear the inconvenience?

We live in the capital city. We are lucky to have museums, parks, even the lakes of Wicklow, a short driving distance away. I think it would be lovely for people to make the effort. I understand people have busy lives – we all have! Kids in school all week, and then sports and music lessons, parties and playdates at the weekend. I think it is promising that gets to me. Just be more honest and say you can’t make it.

I guess I feel less than valued in my family. I have been living away and raising kids away from my immediate family and my kids’ cousins. If one of my sisters lived away, I would make it my business to come up and visit. At least once. Even if she lived in a tent.

I have no wish to come across as a victim. I am used to packing bags and heading down. What gets to me is the lack of willingness to share in my life up here.

It is just really pissing me off. I must to be the one to slot in. I have 3 kids and NEWSFLASH! Everyone is busy. I just feel angry about it at this stage.

Anyone relate?

would not want to be travelling far once I was past 55/60. You

Jesus Christ, the ageism MN. I will be 55 this year. My children are 150 and 400 mikes away. Why on earth would being 55 make it hard for me to travel?

So your family like being at home, in their home and in their home town and like to host from there. Rather than travel to a big city and stay in (their perspective) cramped accommodation in (perhaps their perspective) a city with not particularly clean air.

I think this is short sighted of them but I can understand their perspective.

And as you enable their choices by always doing the travelling , frankly - what do you expect?

would not want to be travelling far once I was past 55/60.

Too funny. I am 62 and fly NZ to UK three times a year to visit family, plus a couple of international trips a year on holiday for fun - cannot imagine a time when I would not want to travel.

I did not think anyone thought 55/60 was an age to abandon holidays, I thought it was the time the fun really started!

My MIL told us it was quicker for us to travel home than them travel to us as ‘DH was coming home.’

We had the same situation as Maelstrop as we were expected to come up monthly and also for every small celebration/event.

DH moved away over 25 years ago. It’s no longer his home. We have nowhere to stay. People still refused to see that visiting might cost time/money.

DH has a friend. Whenever we were home he was always asking us to visit, he lives 45 minutes from PIL. DH made the effort regularly when we were home. He rings DH regularly and last summer told us he had been on holiday - 20 minutes away from us. The year before he drove past our house to stay about 40 minutes away. Made no effort to visit. He couldn’t see an issue as just asks ‘when are you coming up to see me’.
I’ve lost patience.

@fiveshelties (AND @refelectantwhatever.....)

Bully for you if you are happy to be gallivanting up and down the country to visit people who have moved 100's of miles away, when you are past 55-60. Not everyone wants to do that, not everyone is fit enough to do it, and not everyone can afford it!!!

I know several people 63 to 70 who have selfish adult children in their 30's and 40's who moved 200 odd miles away, and piss and moan because their parents don't visit much.

When these people I know DO do the 500 mile round trip in the car or on the train, and spend 4-5 days with them, they are exhausted when they get back. There adult children are the same individuals who piss and moan that their dread their parents coming again, because they got on their nerves when they were there!

I am sure everyone YOU know who is 60+ runs marathons and scales Mount Everest every week though, and you have a 99 y.o. granny who walked the length of the Great Wall of China last week!

You DO know by the way that people are entitled to have different opinions to you and think differently don't you, without being mocked for it?

By the way, I said NOTHING about 'going on holiday.' That is COMPLETELY different... But you know that don't you?

@fiveshelties (AND @refelectantwhatever.....)

Bully for you if you are happy to be gallivanting up and down the country to visit people who have moved 100's of miles away, when you are past 55-60. Not everyone wants to do that, not everyone is fit enough to do it, and not everyone can afford it!!!

I know several people 63 to 70 who have selfish adult children in their 30's and 40's who moved 200 odd miles away, and piss and moan because their parents don't visit much.

When these people I know DO do the 500 mile round trip in the car or on the train, and spend 4-5 days with them, they are exhausted when they get back. Their adult children are the same individuals who piss and moan that they dread their parents coming again, because they got on their nerves when they were there!

I am sure everyone YOU know who is 60+ runs marathons and scales Mount Everest every week though, and you have a 99 y.o. granny who walked the length of the Great Wall of China last week!

You DO know by the way that people are entitled to have different opinions to you and think differently don't you, without being mocked for it?

By the way, I said NOTHING about 'going on holiday.' That is COMPLETELY different... But you know that don't you?

selfish adult children in their 30's and 40's who moved 200 odd miles away

Selfish to move for work or education?

I sense “grandparents rights” and the hideous gransnet “cut out of their lives” threads in their futures.

It’s odd that there are campaigns to force people to give access to their child to their parents, but not the other way around, isn’t it?

I'm in the same position, my mum and young brothers moved away from our hometown as my mum met my stepfather who lived in another city, I followed them a year later as I missed them. The rest of my family promised they would come and visit me, it's been 6 years and I'm the only one who has travelled to visit them

Rather more selfish to have children and not expect them to build their own lives, isn’t it?

Is it really that big a deal if your children don't know their cousins? My parents moved hundreds of miles from both of their families and eventually set up home in a completely different part of the country (military family, gotta love moving!) I've got dozens of cousins that I couldn't pick out of a police line up. Doesn't affect my life at all.
In fact I find very close families a bit smothering, possibly because of this. My parents and I now live 30 minutes bus ride apart (so not far at all) and we see each other four or five times a year, that's all. My brother and I see each other once a year and we get on fine, we touch base through social media but we are all quite happy in our own little solitary bubbles!

When something (like visiting) becomes a tedious chore, it's not fun for anyone.

I live a 12-15 mins drive from my parents, that’s 11.7 or 12.2 miles depending on which way you drive. Literally the next town over, straight dual carriageway and you can be at mine. They have visited me less than 10 times in over 10 years, when they have visited it’s all passive aggressive comments!

They both drive...are both fit and healthy, they just never visit me and their grandchildren. It’s always me who goes to them. It’s so frustrating for me! Yet the assumption is that I will be providing care for them when they are older!! As my house is the biggest!!

They even visited a shopping centre which is practically opposite my house...I was home...they didn’t even bother coming over for a coffee.

The reaction I’ve had from them when DH and I have mentioned moving even further away is that they haven’t spoken to me for months!

My brother lives in the same town which is about 6 miles away and the same drive, sometimes it taken longer to get to my brothers than it would to my house yet they pop in for coffee every other day.

My sister in law is having a baby soon and I know who will be the favourite grandchild.

We had this
Mil and Sil and her family live in the same village about an hour from us
They were always pleased to see us when we went down and we generally had a nice time
However, at the beginning of last year something happened that showed everything had to be on their terms and around what suited them best. I think DH had somewhat of an epiphany and said that’s it, we aren’t going down so much. All hell has broken lose, mil says the dc will forget her and has sent whiny emotional blackmail texts to dd14 ( which I’ve told her to stop or she will be blocked) and Sil didn’t buy us Xmas presents
It’s sad but it’s actually been quite interesting. The ONLY thing we have changed is that we have asked that they visit us more often and it’s like we’ve committed an awful crime with “please tell me what I’ve done so wrong I will be dead soon anyway” emails from mil etc
It’s shown us that we aren’t worth any effort. We’ve seen mil 3 times last year and haven’t seen Sil for 18 months. Shows how much they actually care

OP I so get where you are coming from.I am nagged constantly that my DHs side of the family do not see us enough..I forget that the M1 only runs in one direction,So yesterday I bow to pressure,They had or tried to hold us to randsome to visit them by sending adult presents up at christmas but non for our child (yep those kind of relatives or twats as I call them!) so I poll 200 miles down,,get there ,,child unwraps £3.00 present (why bother..) then we were there 2 hrs before they offerred to make us a drink,,I got a glassof water cos I dont drink tea and they refuse to buy coffee.We were starving after an early start no lunch so we went to a chip shop and bought all dinners for them too,gets back dish out lunch they all eat it and then we are told to keep child quiet and not talk as horse racing was on...we were expected to shut up and sit in silence for 3 hrs...I drove home with there It was so lovely to see you ..you dont come often enough ringing in my ears...Good grief i feel so much better for getting that off my chest...sorry for ranting but the only thing I can say after yesterday is if the M! does only go one way in there eyes its only going one way in mine from now on....

I can see where you are coming from op, but quite a lot of effort goes in to hosting too.

Yes sally if my dc want their Birthday/xmas presents we have to go and get them even though I post theirs
Slightly ironic given that mil was a post mistress and DH and Sil grew up in a Post Office!

I can see both sides - you move, you drive but also the road is the same length both ways

I don't have an answer, sorry.

Hoppinggreen I feel same as you Its like a control thing.There is no need for such games in my eyes but they like to do it regardless.Tell you what though its not happening again ever!

We have this situation - had to move for work and before kids and when only had one dd we have always been the ones to travel to see parents, paying for food, hotels, entertainment of small child needed etc. However after having a second I have said no to going every holiday season now. Funnily enough 2 out of 3 sets of parents/stepparents have managed to come and visit semi regularly and we are happy to host, pay for a hotel for a night etc as still
Cheaper than other way round l. One set have never visited us and never will but then make comments about hardly seeing us when we go there . I refuse to feel guilty about this anymore and suspect a lot of it is because I used to be the family doormat and now I’m not I’m seen as selfish but we both work ft, have one SN dd and one v young dd and travelling to see people is a major ball ache tbh. I feel sooo much better forbeing assertive and doing things on our terms these days

"The one who leaves is the one who has to visit ". Yes I've put up with this all my life. I married a soldier so we always lived away from family - nobody ever bothered to come to me. My sister has lived in the same house since she married 40 years ago, and the idea that she should go to visit anyone is simply out of her imagination. Even her adult son, who moved for work, never gets a visit from her. It's all a mind-set which suits her very well.

PoutySprout exactly!!

My children live all over the country, and occasionally all over the world. They do visit me, but as I am now retired, I have more time and use the opportunity to visit them and have a day/weekend away. I even occasionally stay in a hotel, as I am now a positively geriatric over-60 and no longer enjoy sleeping on sofas. What is the matter with people? Don’t they want their children to have a life?

Rather more selfish to have children and not expect them to build their own lives, isn’t it?

Exactly this. These attitudes make me so grateful that I come from immigrant stock on all sides who wouldn’t dream of pulling the ‘you DARED to leave the village’ bullshit.

We moved to a village a short drive from the town my family and the in laws live in. The in laws have been to our house 3 times in the 3.5 years we've lived here, it's literally a 10-15 minute drive down a dual carriageway most of the time but you'd think we'd moved hours away the way they chat about it

NewYorkDoll - the OP lives in Ireland. People have cars there now, you know, and there are all these great motorways...

...would not want to be travelling far once I was past 55/60.

Falling off my seat at this...

How utterly boring. The thought of spending time in a place where people never travel, are seemingly not curious about other parts of the world, and sit smugly waiting for others to make all the running would do my head in.

I will be 55 this year. Three of my DDs live 14 hours (realistically, even if Google says 12) away by car, DS will end up living abroad for about 8 years with the armed forces in a few years time, and another DD is waiting to see if she will be accepted in any of several universities she has applied to, none of them closer than six hours away by car.

So should I sit here and moan about selfish children who chose great universities and jobs elsewhere, and keep a firm grip on my own comfort zone, never let my children see me consulting a map, never have to ask them how the shower works, never accept a dinner they take me out to? Above all, never see and acknowledge the fact that they have built lives of their own, have friends and colleagues, hobbies, interests, and that I am no longer the centre of their world?

I suspect people who have a hard time relating to their adult children as equals, who punish them passive aggressively for daring to establish themselves as separate beings in the world, who play power games by never visiting and expecting all the travel to be one way, have personality disorders.

OH and I have lived away from home for over 30 years. I have had BIL/SIL on my side who have never visited.

OH has several siblings who have never visited. In the 9 years we have lived together we have had two visits off sibs. We have been up loads and family are surprised when we say no to family parties (as OH works weekends etc).

To be honest in the last year we have taken a cant be arsed anymore stance. If OH goes to football up where they are he now takes DS on the train and is back the same day, unlike in the past we would all go up and visit family as well