To be seriously angry that WE always have to do the visiting?!

[mrsoscarwilde]

I love my family to bits but most of my family live down the country. If I am honest, it is lovely for us to have the best of both worlds, yet it is as if time has frozen still when we go down. I pretend that I don't have another life.

I have had to make the journey down hundreds of times since my kids were babies.

Why do I bother you might ask? It is simply that my children would not have a relationship with their grandparents and cousins if I didn’t make the effort.

I have gotten the ‘we will come up and see you’ promises dished out – even over xmas but never any follow up. I have come to realise that this is a bit like borrowing a book from the library that you never actually read or sharing a Facebook post about homelessness but not actually doing anything remotely socially aware. In your head you feel by promising, you have done something virtuous. But the follow up on a promise is the hard bit.

Ok, we live in a smallish - yet it is a four-bedroom house. Very different to the monstrosities that people tend to build in the country. Yet I have felt that the living arrangements, the facilities are substandard, and this may be the reason why people do not come to visit. I had one family member mention that sleeping arrangements might be an issue when they declared ‘Well? Where shall we sleep?' I had no idea until this point that they had previously grown up in a house the acreage of Downton Abbey! 😊 How ever could one bear the inconvenience?

We live in the capital city. We are lucky to have museums, parks, even the lakes of Wicklow, a short driving distance away. I think it would be lovely for people to make the effort. I understand people have busy lives – we all have! Kids in school all week, and then sports and music lessons, parties and playdates at the weekend. I think it is promising that gets to me. Just be more honest and say you can’t make it.

I guess I feel less than valued in my family. I have been living away and raising kids away from my immediate family and my kids’ cousins. If one of my sisters lived away, I would make it my business to come up and visit. At least once. Even if she lived in a tent.

I have no wish to come across as a victim. I am used to packing bags and heading down. What gets to me is the lack of willingness to share in my life up here.

It is just really pissing me off. I must to be the one to slot in. I have 3 kids and NEWSFLASH! Everyone is busy. I just feel angry about it at this stage.

Anyone relate?

I feel your pain. We live 10 minutes from in-laws (who all live on the same housing estate). We have to do all the visiting. I put my foot down and we saw them once last year. (We did continue to visit MIL weekly in her nursing home). I invite them, they don't come or (bizarrely) agree to and then ring inviting us to them at the same time?? They have adult/teenage children, we have babies/toddlers. It's more hassle for us to go there all the bloody time. I think in some families there are those who travel and those who don't. My family are as bad but do live 200 miles away.

Don't be ridiculous, greendale17.

Right next time you're visiting and they mention a visit, get out your phone / diary and ask them to do the same, and say oh great while we're here let's actually arrange a date for a change, we're free over x weekends, which is best for you? And see if you can pin them down. If they've agreed to a specific date / activities they might follow through!

Just stop going to them so often. Relationships can be maintained on less contact

Have they actually refused to visit?

I have lived in my current house 3.5 years. None of my family have ever seen it. Apparently the road only runs one way until I have to drive back on it. 🙄

Yes Greeendale 17 - I am a very naughty daughter. University, jobs and husband took me away. I should move back home! ;)

No Pinkblanket - they promise (some of them) and then give me some excuse! A few of my sisters don't even bother.
Thing that annoys me is lack of accountability/guilt.

It does hurt that also my kids in plays/mass readings and my mother just wistfully says 'gawd! If only you lived near...'

I guess I have been super understanding up to now but I am just feeling pissed off about it. And actually want them to know O am annoyed!!
I work as a blogger. Wrote a pointed blog post called 'one direction family' and will send it on our family WhatsApp group.

Prob bit passive/aggressive but a starter!

Well you chose to move and you live in a smaller house. You state you think it's partly because they are worried about lack of space in your house. Maybe that is why your family feel they are better suited to hosting?

I think this is a normal thing to happen tbh. I live an hour away from my parents, it does make a difference.

Oh yes. In laws live 2.5 hours away. We stopped visiting as much because it was always us going there, there were no toys to entertain the children so they got bored, our children would miss out on activities to go but when we get there the in law side carry on with their commitments so we sometimes ended up with an afternoon to ourselves with nothing to do.

YABU- you were the one who left.

Oh god there’s always one.

Funny how on another thread it was clear if a father moves away he must do the travelling, but when children move away, family are expected to travel? Interesting double standard.

I moved away, I will always make sure I go back home to keep up relationships. My parents rarely come down and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s a long way for them at their age and because they have a dog it’s harder for them to come away for an overnight stay.

I'm not sure if they feel the same desire to be close to you and your kids as you do to them? Perhaps they aren't bothered about seeing you frequently - I understand this could be hurtful, but... (speaking as someone who doesn't enjoy spending a lot of time with my family)... they're not actually obliged to want to see you often. I'm sorry it's causing you stress. I'm not sure it's worth the hassle of visiting them so frequently as it seems to be making you unhappy and resentful. Perhaps develop more close relationships in your current home town and spend more time with friends locally, rather than feeling angry that people you moved away from don't want to travel to see you often? Is that a possibility?

@Yabbers completely different scenario where you're trying you compare an adult father moving far away from his minors...of course the father should travel. Adult family relationships are on a more equal footing and if both parties care, they could be able to visit each other (excluding those with illnesses, very young children, and other extreme demands)

Funny how on another thread it was clear if a father moves away he must do the travelling, but when children move away, family are expected to travel? Interesting double standard.

As false equivalences go, that’s a pretty impressive one. 🙄

My PILs have visited three times in 10 years. One was for our wedding. They live three hours away. We do all the travelling to them, which means they see much less of us and their grandkids than if they came to us sometimes. But apparently London is nasty, and they don’t like trains. FIL managed to go to the wedding of a distant cousin half an hour’s drive away last year, which was frankly hurtful.

We see more of my parents, TBH, despite the fact they live a day’s flight away. Because they reciprocate and don’t see it as their right to have us always go to them as some sort of right/penance for moving away. Because it’s a mutually respectful relationship between adults who respect each other.

I don’t think OP is saying she wouldn’t visit them at all, just that they never return the visit. I mean that’s expected for aunties/uncles/cousins but your own parents and siblings, why wouldn’t they want to visit and see the new house or baby? At least just the once. Ok it’s not for everyone but OPs family actually say they’ll visit.

@greendale17 is NOT being ridiculous, and frankly I agree. The OP sounds somewhat entitled and a bit precious tbh. I am not saying the OP should pick everything up and move back to her home town, but then again, don't expect people to keep travelling to see you when YOU chose to move away.

When you are the one who chooses to move away from your hometown (and the family fold,) regrettably, it is going to be you doing all the running. If I had a cousin who moved 100's of miles away (from the town we all grew up in and still live in) I wouldn't be travelling to see her sorry. Probably not for my siblings either.

I would make a bit of effort for my kids, but would not want to be travelling far once I was past 55/60. You chose to move and this is a bitter pill to swallow, and you have no right to be 'seriously angry' FGS!

I moved 100's of miles away for 4 years in my early 20's (my career took me away,) and not one single person visited me in 4 years. It was always me coming back home.

YABU. This puts me in mind of my friend's niece. She moved 250 miles away (6 hours drive,) to be near her husband's family, and got a job down there, and her husband did too. They had a baby after 3 years down there, and when the baby was one year old, the husband's parents emigrated to Spain. The 2 sisters (12 and 13) went with them. So they lost their family support down there, and their babysitter/childminder!

My friend's niece's husband refused to move near her family as his job was where they were, and moving was not an option... So she moaned and whinged constantly because her family rarely visited her, and her mum (my friend's sister) was helping her sister (my friend's OTHER niece) with babysitting and childminding, but was not rushing to help her!

LOL, she was the one who fucked off 250 miles away, and expects her mum to go help her (all that distance away!) as well as helping her other daughter, holding down a job 22 hours a week, and looking after 3 dogs!

Entitled much? You chose to move luv!

@ID81241

Not so different. It’s about the kind of relationship the parent thinks their child should have with the relatives. The GPs, aunts, cousins etc obviously don’t think it’s necessary to see the children that frequently. If they did, they would probably travel more. The relationship the parent wants is more than that, so she is travelling so her kids have the relationships she thinks are important. Why is it up to her relatives to travel to build relationships in the manner that suits her?

Same as with the father who moves away. He travels as much as he feels is necessary to built his preferred level of relationship with his child.

When I read the line "down the Country" I thought she must be Irish lol. I'm just back up from being down the Country but it's only 1.5 hour drive so I don't mind it.

I think you need to be more direct and invite them at for a specific date. Some people don't like being out of their comfort zone and don't like being in other people's space but are happy to host. Other people don't like hosting and are happy to visit. I think what's important is that you enjoy the time spent together and that your kids build up a connection with the family hometown.

My DD moved 3.5 hours away. It was her choice for her career. We still load up the car and trek off to visit her once a month or so. Because funnily enough we love her and miss her. I find it really strange that some people think moving away means nobody has to make an effort to see you anymore. Says a lot about their relationships really.

Same as with the father who moves away. He travels as much as he feels is necessary to built his preferred level of relationship with his child.

There is a huge difference between what a parent needs to do to exercise their parental responsibility to a child who is a minor, and their responsibility to go to the child if they have made the choice to move away from that child (meeting the child’s needs) and the exercise and maintenance of a mutually respectful relationship between adults who are equals.

If I have friends who live far away, I expect us to visit each other, regardless of who moved away. I don’t expect to be treated with less respect by relatives.

Fine if the family don’t care about the relationship. But in these cases there is often huge moaning and guilt tripping over not enough visits/contact. Which, if they are able to make the effort but can’t be arsed, is out of order.

Thank you all for your replies and it is great to get prespective on it.

Look, this xmas just made me think more about it. My husband, I and one of kids were sick so we couldn't travel and it occured to me that if we never did, we wouldn't see family. I reckon I was feeling vulnerable, then kind of annoyed.

Newyorkdoll - if course you don't know me but please don't judge me for being entitled. I have never asked for babysitting help and for people to come up at drop of a hat to help out. But we make it to every party, event and generally celebrate in people's lives at home. Is it ok/human to feel a bit annoyed at times?
Only venting here but I know situation prob won't change.
And I don't think it is accurate to say I f*cked off. It was for college, work. But thanks for your view on it.
Am learning loads on here! Good to have opposing views.
Had a thought today that prehaps I should have just stayed at home and worked in local chipper! :)

OP I feel your pain though in reverse. Live down the country (v scenic but not too touristy) and have to travel to the city to see family and friends. Despite many invites, nobody visits us and I'm paranoid that either my house is not good enough or else it's me.

YABU- you were the one who left.

That shit is why for nearly 4 years, every 4-6 weeks we drove 300 miles to visit DH’s family. There wasn’t any room for us so every trip also cost around £200 in hotel and food costs. We have a 6 bed house with plenty of room, they are retired and have time galore to do whatever they want, but whilst they will happily spend 8 hours in a return trip to drop someone off at an airport, coming to stay with us is just too inconvenient. Still waiting for them to rearrange the weekend they said they were coming but didn’t turn up (Autumn 2016).

I haven’t been up there since. DH and DD have been twice. He wants them to have a relationship, but they make less than no effort.

I grew up in London with half the extended family in Ireland and half in the UK midlands. We didn't see a lot of each other month to month but we used to spend holidays with both sets of relatives. We would be left with our cousins and our parents would go back home or, when we got older, we would just go on our own. No-one cared about seeing Granny, aunts etc regularly but, when we did, it was often for weeks at a time. Maybe your kids can do that when they're older?

I was the one who moved. However, my parents are very fit, retired, well off and get picked up from the station in London if they use the train. The rest of my relatives think I'm a disgrace for a) not marrying a local b) not coming up every six weeks (I work full-time, have multiple pets) c) think I should go up for every minor birthday/random celebration. I got bollocked for not doing so by someone who's single and free to do as she pleases. Drives me crazy!