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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DSD1 or DSD2 being unreasonable?

70 replies

deliveryanywhere · 03/01/2019 21:45

DSD2 is 15 and has anorexia and other mental health issues. While she was having inpatient treatment last year we let DSD1 who is 17 invite her girlfriend to stay for a week

We didn't tell DSD2 as she was really ill and we didnt think it was something she needed to know or worry about but DSD1 told her in an arguement even though she was asked not to. She was really upset that someone had been in our house without her knowing and felt that we enjoyed having her instead because shes a 'normal teenage girl'.

DSD2 has now decided she hates DSD1's girlfriend and that she isnt allowed to come back here again. DSD1 has promised that DSD2 won't have to interact with her and that she will make sure they keep out of her way but DSD2 still doesnt want her here. She doesnt like intereacting with many people anyway but we all have other guests round regularly which she doesnt mind as long as she doesnt have to talk to them.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sarah22xx · 03/01/2019 21:48

Dsd 2 is being unreasonable

ID81241 · 03/01/2019 21:48

Not sure what the issue is. Did the gf stay in DSD2's room without her knowledge? If so, I can see why she might be upset. If not, I'm not sure what the problem is... DSD1 has had a guest over that's all...Confused feel like I'm missing something?

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2019 21:48

I know nothing about anorexia or mental health issues, but surely DSD2 is the unreasonable one.

Why should she control what her sister is allowed to do?

jamoncrumpets · 03/01/2019 21:48

DSD2 is BU. But her age and illness need to be taken into consideration.

It is perfectly ok for DSD1 to have her GF to stay. She shouldn't suffer because her sister is unwell.

Stormyumbrella · 03/01/2019 21:49

DSD2.

You can’t allow DSD2 to control who her older sister is allowed to have to stay. It would be extraordinarily unfair on DSD1, especially as she’s been allowed to have her girlfriend to stay before.

FlagFish · 03/01/2019 21:49

DSD2 is being unreasonable.

HollowTalk · 03/01/2019 21:49

Anorexia is a very controlling illness. You have to be really careful to make sure she doesn't control the rest of the family.

MelanieCheeks · 03/01/2019 21:49

I don't think this is a binary " I'm right you're wrong" or even " I'm reasonable you're not" scenario. You need to discuss options with both girls and find something that all will agree to. Not easy, I know, but be creative with ideas.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 03/01/2019 21:51

DSD2 is unreasonable. Having mental health issues doesn’t allow you to control other people.

RitaTheBeater · 03/01/2019 21:51

Dsd2 is.

The world doesn't stop turning because she isn't in the house. The 17 year old is allowed a life and relationships. She's 17!

And as for the 17 year old trying to bargain to be allowed to have someone in the home. I would have told the younger one that she needs to stay out of the way of the girlfriend if she doesn't know how to behave.

Doesn't mind you having people over! Confused

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/01/2019 21:52

DSD2 is being unreasonable.

Don't let her control the rest of the family, it shouldn't be upto her whether DSD1's girlfriend stays over or not - would you allow DSD1 to dictate like that?

Love51 · 03/01/2019 21:52

15 year olds do not get to decide who comes into a family home. She isn't being asked to entertain her. And the visitor shouldn't go in the 15 year olds bedroom so that the 15 year old has a private space.
You as parents are being unreasonable letting her think that this decision is hers to make.

macaroniandpizza · 03/01/2019 21:53

Dsd2 is being unreasonable. Yes shes ill but that doesnt mean she dictates who comes and goes in the house

Haffdonga · 03/01/2019 21:54

Or you could say it's DSD2's illness which is being unreasonable.

Leeds2 · 03/01/2019 21:54

Another one saying DSD2 is BU. Although I can understand that, given she is anorexic, you don't want to upset her the chances are that you will end up upsetting DSD1 if you aren't careful.
That said, I can understand why DSD2 might be upset if the GF stayed in her bedroom without her permission.

Gitfeatures · 03/01/2019 21:55

I'm suprised you have to ask - DSD2 is being massively unreasonable. Why is she being given so much power and being allowed to dictate to others?

Maelstrop · 03/01/2019 21:56

Dsd2, obviously. She can't dictate who comes into the house. I understand she's ill and you don't want to increase her anxiety. Could you engineer a sit down with the gf? Plus a shit ton of reassurance?

LatentPhase · 03/01/2019 21:58

Agree that you as parents are BU by facilitating the idea that dsd2 gets to control who comes to the home and also the idea that dsd1 needs get sucked into it and start bargaining with dsd1.

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2019 21:58

DSD2 cannot control her sister's guests in this instance, that would be unfair.

DSD1 though could reasonably be asked to compromise on how/when/how long for, if it is part of her sister's mental health issues.

But be very careful of letting the anorexia and MH issues become restrictive to DSD1. She shouldn't have to suffer too. Resentment will be all too easy to breed.

Anyone outside the family who can mediate a little with DSD1? A counsellor etc.?

Original poster
deliveryanywhere · 03/01/2019 21:59

Okay seems DSD2 is being unreasonable which is what we thought.
It isn't as simple as just saying no to her though, she is extremely ill and it would almost definately cause screaming, self harm and refusal to eat. Also she probably wouldnt be worried about her sisters gf coming over if she hasnt used it in an arguement to upset her.

OP posts:
Gitfeatures · 03/01/2019 22:03

Family therapy is often a key part of treating an eating disorder - has this been offered? You can't get trapped in the cycle of pandering to her because she threatens to stop eating when she doesn't get her own way.

mynameiscalypso · 03/01/2019 22:05

Whilst I totally agree that DSD2 is being unreasonable on the face of it, I also know what anorexia is like and the impact that it has both on sufferers and their families. I wish your DSD well in her recovery. It's a terrible, terrible illness.

SassitudeandSparkle · 03/01/2019 22:10

Tbh, I think it was unfair of you (well, I'm assuming it was you) to tell DSD1 not to tell DSD2 about the visit.

I appreciate that you are worried about DSD2 but she can't use her illness to threaten and coerce her sister like this. If she stops eating it is her decision, not because her sister had a friend over.

It is a hard illness to fight, is she at home or an inpatient at the moment? Does she have regular counselling that she could talk to about this issue (or do you/the rest of the family)?

Myheartbelongsto · 03/01/2019 22:10

I say whoever pays the mortgage decides who is allowed in the house.

itswinetime · 03/01/2019 22:13

How was it used in an argument? You didn't tell her because she wasn't there and didn't need to know but for this to then be used against her there seems to be something more to me? DSD1 should be allowable friends round and while I can see not making a big thing of it for you to ask her to lie is a bit odd?

Dsd2 is being unreasonable but that doesn't make it simple to solve. What mental health professionals are looking after DSD2 can they give any advice!

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