Is DSD1 or DSD2 being unreasonable?

[deliveryanywhere]

DSD2 is 15 and has anorexia and other mental health issues. While she was having inpatient treatment last year we let DSD1 who is 17 invite her girlfriend to stay for a week

We didn't tell DSD2 as she was really ill and we didnt think it was something she needed to know or worry about but DSD1 told her in an arguement even though she was asked not to. She was really upset that someone had been in our house without her knowing and felt that we enjoyed having her instead because shes a 'normal teenage girl'.

DSD2 has now decided she hates DSD1's girlfriend and that she isnt allowed to come back here again. DSD1 has promised that DSD2 won't have to interact with her and that she will make sure they keep out of her way but DSD2 still doesnt want her here. She doesnt like intereacting with many people anyway but we all have other guests round regularly which she doesnt mind as long as she doesnt have to talk to them.

Who is being unreasonable?

It isn't as simple as just saying no to her though, she is extremely ill and it would almost definately cause screaming, self harm and refusal to eat.

But nor can you just say yes to her either, especially not at the expense of her sister.

Did DSD1's GF only come over because DSD2 was away from home, or does she come over often? Also 'last year' could mean anything from a few days ago to 12 months ago.

Anorexia is unreasonable, DSD2 to people functioning normally (and I mean that kindly) is absolutely unreasonable, but DSD1 having the friend round makes DSD2 feel that she was somehow replaced and probably less in control. When she is well again I'm sure she will appreciate how U she was but in the meantime DSD1 needs plenty of support as she is feeling that she is constantly on eggshells and can't have a normal life due to her Dsis illness.

for you as I'm sure you've taken the brunt of everything.

Just in case its relevant though I suspect its not dsd1 is allowed her gf round at her mums where she is every other week as much as she likes, dsd2 never goes there.

DSD2, you can’t allow her to control her sister like that. Feel for you, OP.

Dsd2 is being unreasonable, but anorexia is all about control. She's already trying to exert control on one area that she has dominion over (eating). Really the issue here is why she needs that level of control. I'd suggest getting her psychiatrist's opinion on this issue. It's not as straightforward as it should be.

I am getting the sense that dsd1’s gf may have come round precisely because dsd2 was away. Which may explain why it was used by dsd1 as ammo in an argument.

Again, the adults made a mistake by facilitating this in the name of not upsetting dsd1, thereby holding everyone hostage to the anorexia.

I hope you can all access family therapy. Sounds like it is needed

DSD1 was NASTY

It's still a bit miserable for DSD1, though, not being allowed to bring someone home. Even if it's only home 50% of the time.

Is there a compromise in terms of length of time DSD1 has GF over for? For an evening and not overnight, for instance? If she stayed for a week before obviously that is not going to be the situation again, but DSD1 should be allowed to bring a friend home for an evening.

What does DSD2's treatment team think? What are their suggestions about how to handle this?

I would say it's a bit of both.
Dsd2 clearly has problems she is dealing with so needs to feel safe and in control.

Dsd1 was asked not to tell her sister something which she dropped into an argument.

It wasn't as if you asked her to omit that because you didn't want dsd2 partner to stay over, you did it purely for her mental health.

I wouldn't be letting the girlfriend over right now until dsd2 is feeling more secure and safe in her own mind and home.
Protecting mental health trumps sleepovers in my mind. It's not like your saying dsd1 can't see her girlfriend just not at home for now.

Dsd2 is being unreasonable.
She can't hold the whole household to ransom and enabling her to is unlikely to help her recovery.

If I remember correctly there was a similar thread not that long ago on here. It might be worth doing a search for it bevause I think there was some good advice on it

It is clear that DSD2 has a dysfunctional level of control over the family and that you are all in a dysfunctional cycle of pandering to and increasing DSD2’s control issues. I think the family therapy sessions sound essential. Poor DSD1.

How did it come up in the argument? What did dsd1 say about it in the first place?

I am wondering how it was used as an argument, how the sisters get on generally, and also if dsd2 has met the gf before. Anorexia is a tough illness so I would suspect that it’s the illness being unreasonable rather than simply dsd2.

Bee why was DSD1 'NASTY'?! OP are DSD2s demands normally adhered to?

I don't agree with not allowing the gf over, what's the next level DSD1 not to come over herself or more restrictions?

Can the gf come in short bursts starting say 1/2 hour to introduce the idea she isn’t a threat? Then prolong visits. Idk what your dsds psych team would recommend but I think you should take the lead from them.

So DSD1 stays with her bio mother every other week, and DSD2 never goes there? Have I got that right?

The problem is DSD2’s illness has expanded to not only controlling her own food/weight and using self harm as a control mechanism but she is now also trying to control her sister, her home and everyone/everything in it. (This is obviously not her fault, it’s the illness)

I would say it’s really important to not allow her behaviour to control her sister and family therapy and coping strategies for dsd2 need to control should be a high priority.

I really think the GF should be allowed to stay BUT how you introduce that into the family dynamics should be under the advice of a trained therapist.

It’s more that it was the big secret.
Why couldn’t you just say DSD2 had her girlfriend round ? Does she not normally stay?
I think you were wrong to hide it. It’s not a big thing but you have made it so in an ill 15 year olds head.

DSD2 is unreasonable. MH issues don’t give you a free pass to be shitty to everyone in your life and expect them just to smile and say ok.

DSD2 IBU.

Allowing DSD to control what she shouldn't be trying to control is not a good move, OP.

Even if her illness is shrieking at you - and of course it will, it wants its own way. In the same way that alcoholics and junkies are manipulative, so are anorexics in the acute stage. What they're all pushing for is stuff that they say will make them better, but will make them iller.

You all need help on how to push back and manage the madness. Especially DSD1.

DSD1 was NASTY

Please expand, bumble

I know AN is a controlling illness.
But to be fair the whole family were keeping news from the house from DSD.
I’d be pissed off that my family decided what I should or shouldn’t know whilst I was being ill.
I still want to know why it had to be a flipping secret.

It isn't as simple as just saying no to her though, she is extremely ill and it would almost definately cause screaming, self harm and refusal to eat.

It is that simple. If you give into her demands, and allow her illicit levels of control, you'll get the screaming, self-harm and hunger strike anyway.

But from a child who's even iller than she was before you enabled her. Don't underestimate how profoundly disordered anorexic thinking is.

It's not just dieting gone wrong, their brains really aren't working much on many levels. DSD2 won't have any insight into this, she may well be thinking other people are the mad ones.