Is DSD1 or DSD2 being unreasonable?

[deliveryanywhere]

DSD2 is 15 and has anorexia and other mental health issues. While she was having inpatient treatment last year we let DSD1 who is 17 invite her girlfriend to stay for a week

We didn't tell DSD2 as she was really ill and we didnt think it was something she needed to know or worry about but DSD1 told her in an arguement even though she was asked not to. She was really upset that someone had been in our house without her knowing and felt that we enjoyed having her instead because shes a 'normal teenage girl'.

DSD2 has now decided she hates DSD1's girlfriend and that she isnt allowed to come back here again. DSD1 has promised that DSD2 won't have to interact with her and that she will make sure they keep out of her way but DSD2 still doesnt want her here. She doesnt like intereacting with many people anyway but we all have other guests round regularly which she doesnt mind as long as she doesnt have to talk to them.

Who is being unreasonable?

DSD2 is being unreasonable. If you (as the parents) have allowed DSD1's girlfriend in the house, that's final. DSD1 needs to adapt and accept that her sister will have partners/friends over.

I agree with previous posters who have suggested DSD2 is trying to control the house and her sister. Your priority should be to ensure DSD1 doesn’t end up a casulty here — mention it to DSD2’s counsellor / therapist. This behaviour needs to be treated asap.

I was a sibling of an anorexic. It was awful. Got to the poing where I was blamed for everything that went wrong because it was ‘easier’ for my parents — that has ruined my relationship with them now and my sibling doesn’t even remember or appreciate anything that they did for them. Anorexics don’t think clearly or logically. If she had another MH condition you wouldn’t let her dictate, anorexia is just another Mh condition. Mention it to therapist and let them treat it.

Bee why was DSD1 'NASTY'?

She was nasty - or probably more accurately mean - by throwing this at her sister during an argument, it has a 'rubbing her sister's nose in it' feel.

The real problem is that it should never have been an issue, the subterfuge is the actual act of initial unreasonable behaviour. MH conditions are, by their very nature, often unreasonable. Managing DSD2's insecurity and, most likely, sense of betrayal will need the input of her medical team.

You cannot bow down to dsd2s manipulation.

DSD2. Yes she has MH issues, but she also doesn't get to utterly dictate the whole family and you all live. That's part of recovery- Understanding that you're not in control of everything and everyone. Your other daughter is entitled to have a home life, and friends or partners come over. Trying to be manipulative is pretty standard with a lot of teenage girls with ED. Whilst she should have her own space respected, and some compromise on how often people come over, with prior notice they are coming may be reasonable, a blanket control of everything else is not.

And in regards to DSD2 having a tantrum, self harming, and not eating- if it's not this, there will be another issue, and another. If she knows it will always result in what she wants. DAD1 shouldn't have been put in the position where she had to sneak her partner in just because her sister was in hospital. No, she shouldn't have brought it up the way she did, but I'd imagine that her life isn't much fun with all the focus on DSD2 (understandably as she's mentally unwell) and fed up of the control DSD2 has over everyone either by her actions or threat of actions.

I was a sibling of an anorexic. It was awful. Got to the poing where I was blamed for everything that went wrong because it was ‘easier’ for my parents — that has ruined my relationship with them now and my sibling doesn’t even remember or appreciate anything that they did for them. Anorexics don’t think clearly or logically. If she had another MH condition you wouldn’t let her dictate, anorexia is just another Mh condition. Mention it to therapist and let them treat it.

I can really relate to this with my two DD's DD2 didn't have a full blown ED but had bulimic tendencies and we had 1 year of absolute hell with her and we're probably now about 4 years of tentative 'is she ok or isn't she' kind of thing. It broke me, I'm still feeling fragile but I did reach a point where I had nothing left to give. She still struggles with fatigue and mood swings but the hardest part is trying to smooth the waters between 2 siblings who I fear will never be close.

Why are DSD 1 & 2 being pitched against each other? The adults make the rules of the house and this what is followed so if they are allowed gfs/bfs over then there's a rule that it's ok. It's not appropriate to make DSD 1 responsible for DSD 2s behaviour. I appreciate it feels like an impossible situation because DSD 2 is so unwell but you cannot let it dictate the day to day life of DSD 1. If DSD 2 deteriorates for any reason then it's better to seek further treatment than try to avoid all possible triggers because life will always throw different things your way.

If you allow dsd2 to have an inappropriate level of control over her sister's life in order to avoid self-harm, you will actually be reinforcing the cycle of self-harm. Better to support dsd2 to find alternative coping methods while being clear that self-harm will not change your parenting in her favour.

Talk to the treatment team. They would not be happy with ds2 controlling access to the family house and it may come better if they take the lead on discussing it with ds2.

Really clear boundaries needed with anxiety or you get sucked into all sorts. But when ds2 is so unwell you need support from the treatment team to establish and maintain those.

Sorry dsd - phone kept autocorrecting

Does dsd2 have asd? Either way I would treat dad's anxieties with compassion and ease them as much as possible but it's not fair to allow them to completely rule the house and impinge on other dsd's social life.

It isn't as simple as just saying no to her though, she is extremely ill and it would almost definitely cause screaming, self harm and refusal to eat

deliveryanywhere just as a cautionary tale, my mother kept deferring to one of my siblings because of these fears. It's led to the complete breakdown of relationship between my mother and one of my other siblings (because they were constantly being let down because of this) and because my father blames the ill sibling for their behaviour they've had a complete relationship breakdown too. It's resulted in each parent only having a relationship with 3 out of 4 children and only one of the siblings actually talking to all of the others.

It's a complete mess because my mother allowed her fear of my sibling's mental wellbeing rule everything else that happened in the home.

There's no easy answer, but always treading on eggshells definitely isn't one because you're likely to lose the trust and affection of DSD1 forever.

Best of luck handling this.

DSD 2 is being unreasonable. It's your house. It's up to you who s allowed in it.
DSD 1 shouldn't have brought it up in an argument but it shouldn't have been kept secret anyway.
Anorexia is about control and it is selfish (I say this having had an eating disorder through my teens).
Calmly say it's not her place to decide what her sister does.
Refuse to be blackmailed by the threats of self harm and starvation. Just tell her ok if that's what you're going to do we can't enable that so you will be back in treatment.
Don't get in a fight.
Remember DSD 1 is a teenage girl too and if she can't live a normal life she will leave asap. She needs to see she's important too.
I feel for you though. Anorexia is like a horrible friend who won't leave you alone and tells you she's always right and you don't need anyone but her.
The internet is full of sites devoted to the God that is "Ana".
Ana is the worst "friend" anyone could have and she's very hard to get rid of.

DSD2 is being unreasonable.

My DD1 had anorexia, DD2 is 2 years younger than DD1. You already know what a terrible illness it is, and how it affects everyone at home, and my heart goes out to you. Just know that it is possible to get through this, we have and many do. But I understand just how bloody terrifying it is, and how much one doesn't want to rock the family boat (more than has happened already) because one has had enough of all the temper, the rows and the threats.

I'd say 2 things: the illness will use what it can to confirm that it is in charge. It loves a row and a chance to manipulate and control. Your DSD2 will find excuses not to eat, and to self-harm, whatever you do. That doesn't mean you should accede to demands, because (as I have learnt, but it was a hard lesson) actually, the more you accede, the more demands there are. The illness has to learn that there are boundaries and they will be enforced. If she doesn't eat, she will be in-patient for longer, or go back to in-patient services.

Second, I remember before my DD went in the first time, not understanding, truly, that there was a safety net in the form of in-patient treatment. You know this safety net is there and so you can rely on it: I know it's not what anyone wants, but she has to be kept safe, and it means that, if she doesn't eat, there will be appropriate consequences. Eating, or not, is her choice.

I remember the desperation I felt when my DD was so ill, and the effects of her illness affected our family dynamics then and, years later, now. If you''d find it helpful I'm happy for you to PM me

DSD2 is being unreasonable, but presumably this is because of her illness. She should be supported in coming to terms with it. She doesn’t have to like it, but she has to accept it and be polite.

I assume her reaction to the girlfriend staying before is also a feature of her illness? If so you can reassure her that going forward you will always let her know when people will be staying etc.

You are probably being unreasonable in listening to their tittle tattle.

To be honest, I don't know what a parent should do. You can't protect kids from every circumstance in life

By keeping the gf’s sleepovers a secret, you gave all the power and ammunition to DSD1 to throw in the face of equally vulnerable DSD2. This should never have happened.

You created this mess yourself OP.