Can't believe my 6 year old would say this... POSSIBLE SEN

[sparklydust]

As the title says really, I am ABSOLUTELY GUTTED. My DD just turned around and said 'I feel like you don't care about me' (this stemmed from me asking her to stop jumping around whilst me and DH were in the middle of something important).... she is currently battling suspected autism and/or possible ADHD and we are awaiting a referral for diagnosis and assessment.

I'm not going to lie, at times she can be so difficult. Never staying still, always wanting more and more and more, panicking about the smallest things, whining and generally overtly emotional over every single thing, repeating the same naughty behaviours over and over since she was just two... I could go on HOWEVER we love her dearly and really do try our damnest best. We are ALWAYS exhausted as she really does demand so much attention but we always try our best and to get a good balance. It just seems if she's not glued to us or we are not watching her do a dance for the thousandth time then we are the bad guys and clearly, from her perspective, don't care  I literally feel like crying right now.

She regularly has trips out, family time/outings, has a lovely home, food in her belly, firm but fair parents, loads of lovely toys and is showered in kisses, hugs and 'I love yous' - what more can we do? Please help - I am at my wits end and feel like the worlds worst mum right now 

I've just explained to her that if we didn't care we wouldn't do x,y & z but I'm not sure if it's sunk in - nothing ever seems too. When I asked her why she would say that I was met with the same thing I'm always met with "I don't know"

P.S. I have posted here in AIBU for traffic really as I need some advice ASAP

My ds, when he was 6 and 7 used to say that all the time too. Not sure why you took it to heart so much.
Or he used to say "You care more about X (sibling) than you do about me".
He's a huge attention seeker though which sounds like your DD. I haven't heard him say similar recently so maybe he's just grown out of it.

I think it's quite normal for kids to say this kind of thing. My son certainly does. My advice would be to acknowledge her feelings and explain/reassure, but don't make a big thing out of it. So just say eg I do love you DD, I can see you are sad be wise I can't do X but so stones parents have to do y and z and it doesn't mean you aren't important.

Sorry for the autocorrect typos.

I think you should just ignore this and move on. ASD kids, especially girls, tend to parrot things they've heard others say when they don't quite have the words to express how they feel. It just means that in the minute she was angry with you, not that she feels you don't care.

Even a neurotypical 6 year old might lash out and say something like that without really meaning a word of it. She knows you love her and that's why she feels free to experiment with saying horrible things to you!

My 6yo says similar things all the time: “I feel like you love X (his sister) more than me.” “You never do anything for me.” “I feel like you don’t love me right now.” At other times, he says the opposite! I think it’s fairly normal behaviour- I don’t outright dismiss it but do try to walk a line of reassuring without too much indulgence.

Honestly, I think you would be hard pressed to find a child who didn't say this several times a week during their childhood. Or "You love [sibling's name] more than you love me". It's attention-seeking and emotional blackmail because your attention was focused, quite justly, on something else more important at the time. She's a child who has just learned a fab new button to press to make sure she gets her parents' attention

My DS has ASD and says similar, he also says things like "I feel like I should kill myself, "I wish I hadn't been born", "I don't think you're even my real family", and more besides.

His keyworker from CAHMS did some assessments with him and says he's not depressed and doesn't really want to kill himself, he was actually horrified when we explained the meaning of it to him, but he doesn't know how to properly/appropriately articulate his feelings so he makes these shocking statements instead. So when he's overwhelmed, he doesn't know how to say that he's overwhelmed and instead says "I feel like I should die". We're having to learn to read between the lines to figure out what he means as opposed to what he's saying.

Keep reiterating that you do care and try not to take it personally

My 7 year old says this regularly when i tell her off or cannot adhere to what she require the second she asks. Soon after she's telling me im the best mum in the world!

I think its quite common so try not to take it to heart and ignore it.

My child is 5 no Sen and said this the other day after I said something she didn't like. I don't this is to do with Sen and I think it must be fairly normal. I'm fairly confident that I give the impression I care about her tons so I think she said it cos she didn't like what I said!

You’re reading too much into it .
My dd is 7 and she’s said “you don’t love me anymore do you?” When she’s been told off for something and similar things along those lines ..
it’s just something some kids do

Kids say stuff like this all the time.

My niece (4) said to her Mum the other day- you love all the other babies and not me. We all just laughed it off!

I’ve had this from both my nine year old (no Sen) and eight year old (diagnosed with asd and adhd). Both the girls have come out with it and to be honest I think it’s more kids than Sen. Sorry it’s horrible to hear. Our youngest (5) has significant Sen so I do my best for the other two but they have complained but I don’t take it personally (little hell beasts).

Agree with everyone else. It is a pretty normal thing for a child to say. They are just hitting back at you 'parenting' them (ie, stopping them doing something). Just ignore, don't go in to lengthy explanations / discussions.

Oh standard stuff from kids at some point..
I think it is important to separate behaviour from love and tell them that.
I love you to the moon and back. I don't like your behaviour at the moment. Rinse and repeat. Eventually they get the message and separate it themselves...
I would walk on hot coals for my kids and they know that but when they are fighting, being rude or disrespectful, they need to know (as I am losing my shit with them) that it is their behaviour that I am disliking.
Both have sen issues. One has no filter and the other does not know when to stop.

God OP I was expecting something terrible!

You're massively over reacting to this. Just say 'don't be daft' and move on. Being absolutely gutted is just silly

My stepdaughter once told my husband, 'You can be unspeakably cruel'.

She was 6 and I think he'd said something like 'No, you can't have a bag of crisps', when it was just before lunchtime.

He was a bit staggered but also found it funny. My husband reckoned she had overheard her mum talking to her friends saying, 'He could be unspeakably cruel.'

Ignore and move on. This is standard 6 year old stuff!

Please don't expect adult reasoning from a 6\7 year old. As other PPs have said, most normal 6 year olds can't cope with their emotions sometimes IT'S NORMAL !!!!!! They have only been in the world for a short time!!!!!!

Just speak quietly to her and carry on as if not much has happened or been said. Don't ignore her though. Say something calmly like " I understand you are upset now, we do love you".

Maybe you need to toughen up a bit and laugh a few of these off as the way you've reacted very much empowers her acting as she does. Help her to see she isn't the centre of the universe and can't manipulate her with a breezy "well, sounds like it's not my day then!" Or similar. If you suspect asd it's going to be really important that she learns other people might not respond immediately in the way she wants.

This is as simple as "If mum loved me, she'd want me to be happy. Not getting that toy/having to clean my room/not having her watch my dance makes me sad because its not what I want, therefore she doesn't love me".
It's not a big assessment on your parenting for the last 6 years, its a way of saying "you're not saying or doing what I want right now".

Surely it's one of those things kids say that parents laugh about. She clearly copied it from somewhere.
Do you really think a 6 year old would mean it? Perhaps you need a reality check regarding expectations from a 6 year old.

Normal for kids to occasionally say this. Mine does and no SEN (usually when not getting own way, frustrated etc). I just down play it and say, 'I'm sorry you feel like that because I love you very much' (then move on). I wouldn't give much attention to it otherwise they may do it to seek a reaction.

Christ. Buckle in for the teen years!

I'm the worst parent in the world ever according to DS. I'm also the best mummy in the world. I don't believe either statement

Best not to laugh AT her though. She does have feelings that are important to her. I remember feeling humiliated by my well meaning parents laughing at me. It wasn't nice.