Can't believe my 6 year old would say this... POSSIBLE SEN

[sparklydust]

As the title says really, I am ABSOLUTELY GUTTED. My DD just turned around and said 'I feel like you don't care about me' (this stemmed from me asking her to stop jumping around whilst me and DH were in the middle of something important).... she is currently battling suspected autism and/or possible ADHD and we are awaiting a referral for diagnosis and assessment.

I'm not going to lie, at times she can be so difficult. Never staying still, always wanting more and more and more, panicking about the smallest things, whining and generally overtly emotional over every single thing, repeating the same naughty behaviours over and over since she was just two... I could go on HOWEVER we love her dearly and really do try our damnest best. We are ALWAYS exhausted as she really does demand so much attention but we always try our best and to get a good balance. It just seems if she's not glued to us or we are not watching her do a dance for the thousandth time then we are the bad guys and clearly, from her perspective, don't care  I literally feel like crying right now.

She regularly has trips out, family time/outings, has a lovely home, food in her belly, firm but fair parents, loads of lovely toys and is showered in kisses, hugs and 'I love yous' - what more can we do? Please help - I am at my wits end and feel like the worlds worst mum right now 

I've just explained to her that if we didn't care we wouldn't do x,y & z but I'm not sure if it's sunk in - nothing ever seems too. When I asked her why she would say that I was met with the same thing I'm always met with "I don't know"

P.S. I have posted here in AIBU for traffic really as I need some advice ASAP

Totally normal! Kids say stuff... try not to overreact. (The diagnosis must be difficult, but this is not part of that problem really, and not the thing to focus on/stress about). Good luck with it all.

I know you must all feel I'm being way over the top and I probably am TBH but I am exhausted, drained and at my wits end people - completely and utterly so yes, I probably am taking it to heart when I shouldn't be. It's just she is an only child so every year and stage is new to me plus I have no bloody clue how to deal with the possible diagnosis - I just want to help her and have no idea how to right now

P.S. it's time of the month too, I'm a wreck

My eldest has ASD and love is a confusing concept to him (he's 13). When he got to about 11, he asked us not to tell him that we loved him anymore as it makes him feel weird.

Agree it's perfectly normal for kids to say stuff like this from time to time.

Toughen up and don't be so sensitive.

I would reassure her "I do love you and always will". End of, move on.

Thank you all for your comments - it's definitely relieved me and brought me back down to Earth!

Just going to say what everyone else has said - this is normal. According to my 5 year old I'm the meanest mummy who ever lived and she hates me. She also loves me. It's a rollercoaster!

Remember that she's a child - she has no idea of the impact of her words. She just says what comes into her head and she may well feel at that moment, in her little world, that you don't care about her because she's so hard done by (!) and she's not getting what she wants. She has no idea of the effort you go to, nor should she. She's a kid. Kids don't know things.

My DCs occasionally say something like this to DH. He's a good dad and definitely does care for them - however he also cares WAY too much about what they are thinking or saying about him at a given moment, which is why they say it, as they know it will have a bigger effect.

It says a lot that you've been so upset by this. For your dds sake, you need to learn to just smile, say 'i care about you a lot' and then move on. ignore it and she'll move on to something else.

Yep, I think it’s normal. Mine told me he wishes he didn’t have a mummy! I was shocked and he apologised when he realised.

One thing she definitely needs to learn is that other people have needs and feelings and her needs don't always come first. It is exhausting, I know.

Also remember that 6 year olds live within the last hour or so. She may have felt uncared for in the last 5 min, 30 min, 60 min, regardless of what you do for her at all other times.

This is why punishments or consequences must happen soon after the behaviour happens.

If it happens again, tell her that you do care a lot about her, but that you need to deal with something important right now, and will give her some attention as soon as you can.
Could you find a mum replacement for when you can't pay full attention to her? Say, a deputy teddy bear?

Don't all kids say this sort of thing?

My son once told me, at about the same age, that he wasn’t going to let me foster him anymore. I have to say that I offered to show him the stretchmarks (under my breath) and decided Tracey Beaker wasn’t a great show for him to absorb.

Can I suggest that you might try acknowledging her feelings when you’re feeling calm and try introducing some kinds of social stories, trying to get her to see how another character might feel if someone was constantly interrupting and not waiting for attention. Then talk to her, relating what she did to you and your DH? I dunno, but this has worked for me with students who are not much older (they still didn’t learn how to wait, but they could understand the reactions of others a little more). Lastly, I think it’s useful to remember that some kids have crappy days too and can be bloody hard work at times, NT or not.

My son (now 9, and not any kind of SEN) has said horrible things to me. We ALL say things in the heat of the moment, even kids. When he was 4 and I was massively pg with DS2 I carried him out of Dunelm under my arm with him screaming that he hated me (all because I wouldn't let him swing the basket around and hit people in the ankles with it). When he gets told off for something, he can become very negative about himself (e.g. he'll say things like 'I don't deserve that toy because I'm an idiot'). It's quite distressing to hear at the time but he's a very smart kid and to be honest I think it's done to be a bit manipulative! I'm making my son sound dreadful here - he's really not. He's a very bubbly, happy, intelligent little boy but I just want to show you that saying something like that is pretty normal. xx

Oh my 6yo dd is such a drama queen at the moment! Her current favourite lines are “Everyone hates me!” And “You don’t want me to have a nice life!”.

It’s hard to hear if you’re low though 💐.

Make sure that you’re taking some time for yourself. Having just gone through an asd diagnosis with my eldest, I know how hard it can be.

It's obviously upset you but I think it's a standard comment a lot of children say.
My son is 6 and has autism, today he has told me that...
I'm ugly
I'm a horror
He hopes I die
I'm a fat old lady!
He hates his life etc
But when I pull him up and tell him what each of those things actually mean (especially talking about me dying) he gets really upset and tells me he loves me and he's sorry. I've learnt to not take things to heart as kids in general come out with a lot of shite they don't mean /understand!

OP

It is hard to hear, but very very normal, you are doing nothing wrong.

My 13 year old told me the other day that he loves me very much, even if he sometimes thinks he hates me.

You'll probably have a few years of this. Brace yourself.

My 7 year old son is exactly the same. He's currently going through diagnosis but is not really getting any support as he is low level. He does every single thing you've described in your daughter. He also says things like "you don't love me" "you don't care about me" etc regularly, especially when not getting his own way. I try to just ignore it now and tell him that we do and try to reassure him. We also have another none sen child who is constantly pushed out and in the background of his loud, overbearing behavior

That is quite a good statement actually for a child with SEN (ignoring the negative). I didn't notice if you put her age but for comparison my 16 yr old with ASD only started to talk about his feelings last year.

If you think about it, misreading social cues is a specifically ASD thing. So your busy behaviour was read as you don't care for her. Don't stress over it.

Anyway that aside ... I have a dd with ASD too. She sounds like your dd - anxiety, etc. I have learnt the hard way to slow down in my interactions, speech, activity levels and the pace of life with her. My dd soaks up the atmostphere around her and xmas is a very full on time of year. I always used to wonder why she would 'crack' just at the moment things went wrong for me. So if I had a busy time at work and felt stressed, things would suddenly go wrong for her. I realised that she couldn't cope when I was stressed. Watch out to see if that's the case?

Please don't worry about her comments - you will need to model to her that one does not react powerfully to incidents and words so that she can learn to do the same. Look up social stories too - to teach her that she was a little baby who was born and loved. Maybe look at photos of when she was younger - how you showed her love - holding, cuddling, warm clothes, fun trips, etc.

Fullorregret so sorry your going through similar. It is horrible but it is also reassuring to know I am not the only one going through this

I told my 6yo off the other day and he made a poster for his door about his horrible mummy

Sorry, I meant to add that, while I agree with the posters who say that the comment is normal, I'm sure you reacted the way you did because you are worried about her for other reasons. I'm sorry things are tough, OP, but I bet she knows how much you care about her

We get this as well.

They’ll say things like “Why don’t you want me to be happy? If you loved me you’d want me to be happy!” in response to something trivial like being told that they can’t have ice cream for breakfast, or that they need to stop playing or watching TV because it’s time to do something else.

They’re saying it because they’re cross or trying to get their own way as a general rule. Best not to take it to heart.

Send her to her room to think about it

I don't think this is a SEN thing. Mine say stuff like that... I've lost count of the number of times they are going to leave and find a different family because they have fallen out or because we have said no to something.

Not so long ago my 8 year old lay down on the carpet and said he'll just lie here and die. Because I told him to turn off his playstation.... We think he's going to drama school

Don't let it bother you, they are just trying every trick in the book to get their own way. At this age they are learning empathy so play on emotions.

I did the same apparently.