Can't believe my 6 year old would say this... POSSIBLE SEN

[sparklydust]

As the title says really, I am ABSOLUTELY GUTTED. My DD just turned around and said 'I feel like you don't care about me' (this stemmed from me asking her to stop jumping around whilst me and DH were in the middle of something important).... she is currently battling suspected autism and/or possible ADHD and we are awaiting a referral for diagnosis and assessment.

I'm not going to lie, at times she can be so difficult. Never staying still, always wanting more and more and more, panicking about the smallest things, whining and generally overtly emotional over every single thing, repeating the same naughty behaviours over and over since she was just two... I could go on HOWEVER we love her dearly and really do try our damnest best. We are ALWAYS exhausted as she really does demand so much attention but we always try our best and to get a good balance. It just seems if she's not glued to us or we are not watching her do a dance for the thousandth time then we are the bad guys and clearly, from her perspective, don't care  I literally feel like crying right now.

She regularly has trips out, family time/outings, has a lovely home, food in her belly, firm but fair parents, loads of lovely toys and is showered in kisses, hugs and 'I love yous' - what more can we do? Please help - I am at my wits end and feel like the worlds worst mum right now 

I've just explained to her that if we didn't care we wouldn't do x,y & z but I'm not sure if it's sunk in - nothing ever seems too. When I asked her why she would say that I was met with the same thing I'm always met with "I don't know"

P.S. I have posted here in AIBU for traffic really as I need some advice ASAP

Sparkly Exhaustion and bad temper (in adults and children) is often caused by overeating wheat (i know this sounds weird but it causes lots of strange symptoms). Look at the book Wheat Belly if you don't believe me .

Six year old live in the moment. They're never going to carefully weigh up all the things you provide for them and all the hard work that takes. If they feel hurt or angry in a particular moment they'll lash out and say things like 'you hate me'. The next moment you'll be the best mum in the world ever.

My 9 year old DD was on a roll this morning, after slamming every door she went through, apparently not letting her watch the end of the news (!) when she was supposed to be getting dressed was because I did't love her and "this isn't how mummy's should behave", apparently. After I left her to her own devices for a while she came back into the room and apologised. It's a regular occurrence and I don't take it to heart, she just can't control her temper.

Both mine have said this and much more... Both are well adjusted and generally happy children, though they have their moments like all children.

You are being far too sensitive, and it concerns me that you’re expecting your young child to have adult boundaries and self-control... that will do your child far more damage.

My DS was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8.
The SEN boards here are full of very wise parents and they’ve been incredibly helpful over the years.

It was agony at the time, I blamed myself and felt guilty about everything.

DS said and did all sorts of things when he was having a meltdown. Over the years I (and school) Leary that’s talking about/investigating/ and even discipline for things he’d done or said was pointless until a few hours after. When he was angry or upset he’d rationalise any behaviour or go silent, or meltdown even more.

A few hours later he was more likely to explain the trigger or reason for extreme behaviour.

Maybe if this has upset you you might talk to her about it another time in a ‘safe ‘ space like story time or on a journey

Also for those saying OP being over sensitive- I think this is probably just the icing on the cake here: the sort of guilt and emotion that comes from parenting a SEN child is hard to put a lid on.

When your child is doing things that are really upsetting or annoying, or just make it impossible to have a conversation (ever) - you can feel a pit of guilt about hating that behaviour - even though you know you love the child desperately.

That’s really hard to reconcile

Don't react much to it. Be blasé "of course I do"
If she gets a reaction she's more likely to do it again and again.

Or after being told off for something "I might not like your behaviour right now but there is nothing that you can do that will ever stop me loving you"

ASD kids very often have no understanding of what they are saying. This sounds like something she's heard somebody else say and is just repeating it.

Don't take it to heart and be kind to yourself. Parenting SEN children is hard work, and in my experience, especially when they are young.

For you OP.

My DS has SEN and he also says things like this when he is overwhelmed and also when he is unhappy at being told off. He will say things like ‘you just don’t love me anymore’ and ‘I will have to leave now’. Don’t take it to heart, they don’t really mean it they just have difficulty expressing their emotions adequately

ASD kids very often have no understanding of what they are saying

But in my experience, most, if not all, children come out with this from time to time... it’s not specifically an ASD thing.

I've been where you are and all I can do is to assure you things will be ok. It will be a rollercoaster journey, I would be wrong to suggest otherwise but asd kids make wonderful young adults - and unlike my neurotypical dd she is sitting giving me a cuddle having just got in from university. They will tell you that they hate you (actually most kids do) but they will also be very affectionate - hang in there it will be ok.

Catgotyourbrain you have summed up the situation perfectly - that's exactly how I feel

Anniehm thank you for your positivity, it's a relief to hear

My DD is 7, no SEN and does this often. It bruises me to the core whereas my partner just laughs and says she's copying what others have said in playground that has got a reaction. I know he's right. She also told me the other day her step-grandma is the kindest lady in the whole world because she bought her a £70 Lego kit she wanted. Basically my point is that kids this age have no idea what love/ caring actually is. If anyone has any tips I'd gladly hear them however

My one and only son is 18 severely SN and so much work! Constantly needs assistance toileting, tube feeds, entertaining, repetitive questions, wants to be where he isn't and rarely if ever satisfied and constantly noisy. I lost it a little while ago with him telling me what cleaning task needs to be done. The only way I can recharge is to go out of the house, go to work or run errands or he naps. Without a doubt she knows you love her but impulse and emotional control isn't her strong suit and may say whatever pops in her head! My boy only pushes the buttons of the people he's comfortable with and trusts so in a way it's proof he is loved and able to be himself around us! Take care