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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to plan wedding after 1st was cancelled

91 replies

inkastinka1 · 03/01/2019 15:48

Hi, I know weddings also focus strongly on this board but I’m feeling really down about my situation.
Started planning wedding with my OH July 2017 after a short engagement (we had been together 2 and a half years by this point and have a daughter together) We found a lovely wedding venue and booked for the following June 2018.
Everything was ok for the first few months we both were very excited and were really enjoying the planning stages even though we were both very busy, OH runs a business and I work for him, 3 months in the cracks in planning the wedding started to show, we had booked somewhere with a capacity of 60 and I had repeatedly asked my OH if 30 would be enough for his side he said yes, anyway it wasn’t! In order to Accomodate his side my numbers dropped to 9 including myself and my kids, he was paying for most of it so I felt like I didn’t have a say, then he complained about how much everything was costing I think basically he wanted a champagne wedding on a lemonade budget (we have money so the budget wasn’t a thing) it was almost like he resented it.
We had chosen a humanist ceremony as we’d had one for our daughters naming ceremony and loved it, with the plan to nip to the register office before hand to get officially married, when I have tried to book the register office he always made excuses. During this time his close friend was going through a divorce, he also ran a business and it came to light that his ex wife was entitled to a portion of his business, this was shocking news to my OH and was completely flabbergasted as to how she could be entitled to anything from his business! This is a story for prenups I suppose. Ok so it’s now about Novenmber 2017 everything is booked dress is ordered, invites cakes etc etc it’s been stressful there has been arguments and the conversation slips back to needing to book the register office to which my OH proclaims he has no intention of marrying me! He says he hadn’t realised that if we should divorce he had no idea I was entitled to so much of his wealth/ business.
He does however want to continue with the day and the humanist ceremony... a fake wedding! As he feels it would be far to embarrassing to cancel and tell everyone. By December 2017 and a thousands arguments later everything has been cancelled with the loss of around £8000 in fees and deposits. I am devestated and humiliated but I could go through with a fake wedding a felt as tho I was deceiving people, We made up so well choreographed story about moving house and running a business and not having time to plan our wedding and nobody really questioned it.

Novenber 2018 he’s asks me to marry him, January 2019 he wants to know why I haven’t started planning anything yet... I am terrified the same thing will happen again, I love him we have a good life and we are happy, but I don’t think I can marry him..

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 03/01/2019 17:30

Aw what an ordeal for you, all the going backwards and forwards and never really knowing where you stand. Has it all been resolved now? How you both feel I mean. Maybe you could have some marriage counselling before you book anything. Sounds like you’re in a vulnerable position and he’s in the power position, making all the decisions atm, which doesn’t make anyone feel good (making huge assumptions there, sorry if I’m wrong) 💐

Jamiefraserskilt · 03/01/2019 17:32

Puts his family before yours
Puts his business before your wedding
Puts his wealth before the security of the children
Hmmmm
Why bother?
Do a partnership agreement to secure financial security for the children and yourself and save yourself the grief of all that hassle.
Your comment about not leaving because of poverty is a little worrying. He would have to provide for them either way. No mention of still loving him though.

magoria · 03/01/2019 17:40

Why would you even agree?

There seems to be nothing equal in your relationship.

Ask him to see a solicitor and make sure you and your DC are well protected in case he dies and don't marry him.

He is lucky you didn't leave him last time when he called it off because he didn't want you getting your grubby paws on his assets.

What has changed?

AnoukSpirit · 03/01/2019 17:41

Leaving is not easy at all in the short term, I agree. But staying in a situation like this long term is much worse.

What you've described isn't just normal ups and downs or wedding jitters. It really is not.

Men who behave like this at this stage do not mellow out.

If he cared about you he wouldn't have treated you like this, not even the part where he restricted the family and friends you could invite.

Loving someone doesn't mean staying with them and letting them mistreat us is right. If he loved you, he wouldn't have done any of that.

Littlemissdaredevil · 03/01/2019 17:46

I would suggest to your DP that you book the first registry office date available to do the formalities then have a fake wedding and reception at a later date!

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 03/01/2019 17:47

Oh dear op. You are stuck in a position with no money to call your own so you feel you have to do whatever he wants. Do you rent or is your house in joint names? In your situation I would marry just for some financial security. His heart is ruled by money so why shouldn't yours be? I still can't get over the ratio of family members invited to the wedding! Just because he's paying for it! Selfish twat.

Lweji · 03/01/2019 17:49

I wonder if he'll (or he'd) suddenly pop a pre-nup on you when you had already invested again in all the planning, dress, etc.

inkastinksalot1 · 03/01/2019 17:49

I don’t really know what’s changed, I think emotionally he’s not really grown up, he lives with his parents, then a friend before he bought a house that we moved in to, none of his friends had children nor were married I don’t think he any experiences to draw from, so he’s played everything out in this relationship. I have two sons from a previous relationship I know how tough it is to be on your own with kids and I know I could do it again if I needed to.

Gazelda · 03/01/2019 17:53

Have you spelt out to him how terrible he hurt you? How his behaviour has affected how you see him? How if your friends and family knew the true reason why the wedding was cancelled they'd be horrified?

Lweji · 03/01/2019 17:54

Sorry, OP, I think I missed some of your posts, as you changed your username from the original inkastinka1 to inkastinksalot1.

The board highlights the post with your original username, but not the others.

Allthewaves · 03/01/2019 17:59

I'd be wanting the registry office wedding now then plan for bigger wedding

winterisstillcoming · 03/01/2019 17:59

Has he rearranged his finances do you think? Put shares or savings in someone else's name so in the event of divorce you have no claim?

HeebieJeebies456 · 03/01/2019 18:03

I didn’t leave him, because a wasn’t prepared to plunge my children in to poverty, why do people think it’s so easy just to leave, and go where with 3 kids who are settled and have really good lives

Seriously?!!! Shock
You could have got a job elsewhere and moved - start afresh like plenty of women do with their children after a breakup.
Instead you carried on working for him!

You surrendered your self respect and autonomy for what - a facade of a 'loving' relationship.
Nice lesson to teach your kids!

You had a child with him, no doubt do the majority of childcare, parenting and housework/mental load.
Your earnings/savings/pension no doubt have taken a hit due to having a dc with him - THIS is why marriage allows a mother to claim on joint marital assets.

Even now you're allowing him to dictate to you and order you around re planning the wedding.
If he wants it that bad then tell HIM to organise it.

EC22 · 03/01/2019 18:08

My goodness! Why on earth do you want to marry him?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 03/01/2019 18:12

He sounds like a prize arsehole who’s done an absolute number on you. I appreciate it’s tough to leave, especially with kids, but surely that’s better than having your life chained to his?

Ethel36 · 03/01/2019 18:27

£8000 oh my gosh. Why do you want to marry him? If you really want to, just go to the registry office and do it. Other wise it will never ever happen.

SuziQ10 · 03/01/2019 18:45

A year after throwing £8k down the drain!
Wow. He sounds odd.

mummyhaschangedhername · 03/01/2019 18:49

Why did you say yes the second time?

SparklyMagpie · 03/01/2019 18:53

Oh helllllll no!!

ElevenSmiles · 03/01/2019 18:54

Sounds like a match made in heaven......you like the money...he makes the money.

madcatladyforever · 03/01/2019 18:58

So he cares more about what other people think than what you think. Big red flag.
My first husband was like this and it did not end well.
Leave now with your dignity intact. You don't need a man to have a great life.

lily2403 · 03/01/2019 18:59

He wouldn’t have a chance to ask me again he would have got told to feck off after the if we divorced comment

GreenTulips · 03/01/2019 19:03

If you don’t want to marry him then don’t

Why you felt the need to cover up for him is another story

Gth1234 · 03/01/2019 19:05

this time, just do a registry office, and a couple of close friends to witness it. Then have a separate party of some sort. Or not.

Gth1234 · 03/01/2019 19:05

posted to quickly.

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