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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to plan wedding after 1st was cancelled

91 replies

inkastinka1 · 03/01/2019 15:48

Hi, I know weddings also focus strongly on this board but I’m feeling really down about my situation.
Started planning wedding with my OH July 2017 after a short engagement (we had been together 2 and a half years by this point and have a daughter together) We found a lovely wedding venue and booked for the following June 2018.
Everything was ok for the first few months we both were very excited and were really enjoying the planning stages even though we were both very busy, OH runs a business and I work for him, 3 months in the cracks in planning the wedding started to show, we had booked somewhere with a capacity of 60 and I had repeatedly asked my OH if 30 would be enough for his side he said yes, anyway it wasn’t! In order to Accomodate his side my numbers dropped to 9 including myself and my kids, he was paying for most of it so I felt like I didn’t have a say, then he complained about how much everything was costing I think basically he wanted a champagne wedding on a lemonade budget (we have money so the budget wasn’t a thing) it was almost like he resented it.
We had chosen a humanist ceremony as we’d had one for our daughters naming ceremony and loved it, with the plan to nip to the register office before hand to get officially married, when I have tried to book the register office he always made excuses. During this time his close friend was going through a divorce, he also ran a business and it came to light that his ex wife was entitled to a portion of his business, this was shocking news to my OH and was completely flabbergasted as to how she could be entitled to anything from his business! This is a story for prenups I suppose. Ok so it’s now about Novenmber 2017 everything is booked dress is ordered, invites cakes etc etc it’s been stressful there has been arguments and the conversation slips back to needing to book the register office to which my OH proclaims he has no intention of marrying me! He says he hadn’t realised that if we should divorce he had no idea I was entitled to so much of his wealth/ business.
He does however want to continue with the day and the humanist ceremony... a fake wedding! As he feels it would be far to embarrassing to cancel and tell everyone. By December 2017 and a thousands arguments later everything has been cancelled with the loss of around £8000 in fees and deposits. I am devestated and humiliated but I could go through with a fake wedding a felt as tho I was deceiving people, We made up so well choreographed story about moving house and running a business and not having time to plan our wedding and nobody really questioned it.

Novenber 2018 he’s asks me to marry him, January 2019 he wants to know why I haven’t started planning anything yet... I am terrified the same thing will happen again, I love him we have a good life and we are happy, but I don’t think I can marry him..

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 03/01/2019 16:44

I couldn't have stayed with him. He made it all about money and is a completely selfish twat. Make sure you have your own money put aside in your own name, and even if you stay with him for now, you can then leave the next time his true colours show.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 03/01/2019 16:45

are you protected as things stand OP? is the house in both names?

TheNewYear · 03/01/2019 16:46

I agree, I would have a quiet marriage at the Register Office and only after that has taken place, I would then agree to arrange a wedding party to celebrate with friends and family - and make sure you have the guests you want, rather than pandering to him and only inviting five (since you and your children don’t count as guests).

SimplyStruggling · 03/01/2019 16:47

Do you now earn more? Or does he have debts?

FacingUp · 03/01/2019 16:50

It’s bad enough you have a child with this dickhead! Don’t marry him ffs?! Selfish prick needs kicking to the curb! He doesn’t want you getting any of his Money! Tell him to shove it up his arse. Angry

Lweji · 03/01/2019 16:50

Wait...

a) you stayed with him?

b) who lost £8000?

c) why should you be doing the planning, and not him?

IamFrauBlucher · 03/01/2019 16:51

Either he had a wobble at the effect of his friend and had now realised that the difference is you input to the financial success of his business,

Or,

He's a gaslighting turd.

Only you truly know in the end op.

Bringbackthestrioes · 03/01/2019 16:52

I would have cancelled the first one as soon as he told me having my family members attending was less important than him having all his Confused
Why is he now so keen to rush into getting married? If you are still happy to marry him then I would do what pp suggested and get married in a reg office then plan a ceremony that you will BOTH be happy with.

LordNibbler · 03/01/2019 16:53

I can't believe you let him do this to you, and then help cover up for him by making an excuse to friends and family.
He may love you, but he loves his money/business more and wants to make sure you don't get any sort of share.

Jaxhog · 03/01/2019 16:56

Why did you even stay with him after all that? Have some self respect.

He wants a 'fake' wedding! Why would you do this? What a gem he is!

Pachyderm1 · 03/01/2019 16:59

they’re technically not legal here they hold legal weight but they can be still discounted if the court believes it unfair, I’ve done a lot of research!!

Research is not the same as a law degree. Prenups are very commonly enforced in the U.K. and, while not technically legally binding, will be upheld unless certain safeguards aren’t met (things like hidden assets / duress etc). So it would be extremely reckless to sign one if you’re depending on it being unenforceable.

OP, if you’re determined to marry the shitbag then I agree with PP’s suggestions that you do it next week in a registry office. Then plan the party at your leisure, confident that he can’t engineer another reversal.

nothinglikeadame · 03/01/2019 16:59

I wouldn't get married under these circumstances, doesn't sound like a very pleasant chap to be honest.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2019 17:01

is his Friend now happily involved in another relationship now and has approved his marrying you? the timing of his cold feet is not coincidental.

10PollyPockets · 03/01/2019 17:01

I wouldn't marry him, my story is different but I was engaged for a long time, always said if i got to x age I wouldn't worry about getting married anymore. X age came about and I repeated that I wasn't interested anymore, "d"h said no let's get married in a registry office. This suited me as we couldn't afford a big wedding and didn't want one either. Less than a year later he announces he was very unhappy long before we got married (not that I knew) and marriage has basically broken down. I now feel trapped and we are "working" on the marriage but at this stage I don't think anything could help. I really regret getting married.
I think your oh is doing what mine did and suggesting a wedding to try and fix things but I think you are always going to worry about his intentions and he has warped views about women running off with all his money. Has he ever been sorry for what he did?

MatildaTheCat · 03/01/2019 17:02

Why did you agree to lie to everyone about the reason for cancelling the last wedding? That was a serious mistake in my opinion. Your OH now thinks he has further carte Blanche to run the show.

Register office wedding and possibly a party at a later date. And no more lies or secrets.

That’s if you actually want to marry him after his last stunt? What made you change your mind?

Isleepinahedgefund · 03/01/2019 17:03

I think he’s gone about it all wrong, but I actually think he’s being quite smart. People need to realise and appreciate that marriage is a contract that can have severe financial consequences if the contract ends. It is not all about love and fairytales, and fortunately is no longer about the woman becoming one of the man’s chattels!

The idea of a fake wedding was ridiculous. If you decide to marry him, make sure you have your savvy financial head on too. Know what you are entering into contract wise!

I would also have thought again when he made you have less guests in favour of his.

Slothslothsloth · 03/01/2019 17:11

I would also have thought again when he made you have less guests in favour of his

Yes this alone is something I cannot imagine happening (or OP accepting) in a healthy and equal relationship.

Do you find that he generally dominates you and expects you to defer to him, OP?

desperatesux · 03/01/2019 17:13

I was in a similar position and I got married at the time mainly for financial reasons but our relationship is far better now we are on a more equal footing. You really need to for your financial security unless you plan to leave and start over. If everything is in his name (unless you are in Ireland) you get nothing but maintenance if he ups and leaves you if not married. If he owns his own business this will be easy for him to reduce and get out of too. I would book a registry office and say you can plan a party after it is done. Pre nups in Ireland are only taken into consideration if they are fair (fuck off pre nups where you get nothing and he gets everything in the event of a split) are invalid and the courts put no weight on them

SushiMonster · 03/01/2019 17:13

What MrsTerryPratchett says.

Lweji · 03/01/2019 17:18

You could tell him something along the lines of:
"Book the registry office and then I'll see if I show up"

More seriously, if he really wants to marry you now, and I'd look into his real motivations, he should sort it out and do all the work to compensate you for all the previous hassle.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 03/01/2019 17:19

@Pachyderm1 there is more than one legal jurisdiction in the UK.

Also having a law degree or even being a solicitor doesn't mean you will get the correct legal advice from someone.

You need a solicitor who specialises in that particular area of law in your legal jurisdiction and is also practising so should be up to date.

category12 · 03/01/2019 17:21

If you want to marry him, as pps have said - quiet registry office affair only.

Get married and only then plan your humanist do. No way should you start planning another "wedding" with his track record.

Pieceofpurplesky · 03/01/2019 17:24

Book a solicitor to check how his company is doing. Draw up a pre nup that leaves you safe and secure when you split, marry him and then divorce him. What a dick he is.

Angrybird345 · 03/01/2019 17:24

I wouldn’t marry him - or be with him - if he were the last man on the planet. He’s awful!

Kikipost · 03/01/2019 17:27

Novenber 2018 he’s asks me to marry him, January 2019 he wants to know why I haven’t started planning anything yet...

You’re planning to marry this man. So tell him. Be honest about how hurt and unsettled you feel

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