to be upset by DSD jealousy over new DS?

[BigBot9]

Me and DH have a 2 month old DS. I was worried for the whole pregnancy about her becoming jealous and pushed out. We did everything in our power for that not to happen. DH still has 1-1 time with her and I take DS out so they can do that. He spoilt her at Christmas as he wanted to let her know she was special (bought her the most expensive LOL gift he could fund!). He talked to her about if she had any worries (and her worry was that it might be a boy and boys cry more!).

Well, the jealousy has kicked in... but, she's gone the opposite way to which we worried she might... she's so possessive over her brother. She tells me he doesn't love me as much as her. Won't give him back when she holds him (makes excuses and we physically have to pry him out of her hands). Asks 24/7 if she can hold him. When he cries she tells me it's because he doesn't like me and wants to be with her etc etc.

She's only 7, so this clearly stems from somewhere. Maybe she is jealous and doesn't want to see us holding him, or maybe she really does just want to hold him all the time. I don't know. But I really need some advice on how to deal with this as it is getting me down and I'm worried about it.

Can anyone help?

I would say make the most of it. She'll soon get fed up with it. If she wants to hold him then sit her down comfortably in an armchair and let her cuddle him while you get on with chores. Babies like to be held and he won't know who it is holding him. He'll soon get too big for her to manage and will be crawling and walking all over the place, pulling her hair, taking her toys, being a nuisance. I think you've got to be one step ahead with dad.

Dsd

Buy her a baby doll and pram, sling etc and get her to chose things for it and do chores for her baby.

Be thankful she does love him and not hate him and want to hurt him. Keep telling her she is a great big sister. The novelty will wear off.

She doesnt seound jealous, she sounds desperately insecure. The best you can do is offer her love, patience, understanding and firm boundaries.

Agree that he loves her very, very much but be clear that there is no hierarchy with love in families - every baby comes with enough love for everybody, no need to rank it. Also be clear as to when she can hold the baby and when she needs to leave him alone (he'll tell her himself presently).

Ultimately its a phase and it will pass.

That is quite strange behaviour. I’m not sure how you can deal with it! Maybe explain that babies are delicate and have needs that are to be met by the parents. Also explain the different relationships between mother and child and siblings? It’s very difficult for you

Maybe she imagines that she can't be pushed out if she's so close to her brother?

Not saying you would, just how she feels.

Maybe she's trying to give you another message. If you regularly go out with your DS so that your DH can be alone with his DD, then she might be getting the message that you love DS more than her and don't want to be with her? Also, I guess she'll be getting a lot of attention from you if she's holding the baby all the time, so it could be attention seeking. Although she's not your bio DD, she still needs to feel you love her as much as the baby, so could be feeling pushed out by you?

It sounds like she might be struggling to find her place in the new set up (not necessarily due to anything you or her dad have done wrong). I'm sure it will settle in time, 3 months is very early days, particularly as she isn't with you all time. Iwould just keep doing what you're doing. It's lovely that she adores him so much, though I understand that it must be exasperating.

She needs some specific big sister duties. Things she can do and you don't!! Choose his outfits when she is there, pour the bubble bath, read a story at his bedtime.
I let my dc help with the first bath and one pulled the plug out.
On the front room carpet.
Baby over load and they soon got bored!!

Also can you and your dh think of things you can all do together (this will get easier as your ds gets older) rather than separating the children. She is also looking for her place in the new family unit and trying to work out how to share you (and esp her dad).

Have you or dh thoyght about a sling? Might be a good way of keeping your son happy (and not available for holding) whilst you do stuff with dsd.

I have a new baby (4months now), my nearly 6 year old is obsessed with him. She follows him round the house and is always in his face. To be honest I make the most of it, he clearly adores her too and his face lights up when we pick her up from school. It is a phase, which will pass. I am fully aware she won’t be so fond of him when he is on the move/pinching her toys/messing up her games etc.

Maybe @CheshireChat - I think I'm just completely exhausted by it and I secretly worry to myself when she's with us for the 3/4 days a week we have her. I would NEVER show that, and feel mighty guilty because of it. I'm just so exhausted and don't know what else to try. DH was firm with his words when she didn't give DS back and wouldn't let go. She's done it once since and again, was told off but not shouted at etc. She's got dozens of baby dolls and loves babies. I let her try on my sling and said she could put her doll in it. She threw a tantrum as she wanted to put DS in it but she's just too little.

I love her and just want to ensure she's okay. I have no idea where this has come from as it's so out of character.

This sounds really normal OP, and you sound like a lovely step mum. Hang in there, this phase won't last long.

If it's any help apparently I was like this with my baby sister until I got bored of her when she about 2 months old and requested that my mum sent her home. I was 3 so a bit longer but I want to demonstrate that this probably won't last forever.

This sounds familiar, did you post awhile back while still pregnant about concerns this would happen?

I remember a thread like that and lots of useless and some unkind comments that I fe

She has big sister duties. Her duties are picking his outfits, helping with nappy changing, they have baths together (supervised of course), and she reads him 'guess how much I love you' every night. We try so hard to make things about the both of them...

Sorry posted too soon...

I remember a thread like that and lots of useless and some unkind comments that I felt were due to the OP being a SM.

@ItsQuietTime I did post something similar. Not sure if it's the same thread we are talking about though. Yes some people were unkind but that's mn for you I guess. I kind of knew that she would be like this. It's not a bad thing and I would rather she was like this than feeling completely jealous of his existence! I just don't know what to do and I think sleep deprivation and all the rest that comes with being a new mum makes it seem worse than it is...

My boys were 10 and 8 when their sister came along (all same dad) and three years down the line she remains their absolute favourite person. She comes first in everything. :) I thought they'd be too old for proper jealousy, but I wasn't anticipating the strength of their love for her, and I think it's wonderful.

BarbarianMum's posts are wise. Perhaps your dsd is surprised herself at how much she loves him and also trying to work out how the various relationships are now, and part of that is coming over as attempts to push you out (attempts which are obviously powerless, seeing as you are his mother, and which she knows are powerless - perhaps that's why they seem 'safe').

@CantWaitToRetire it's on a weekend when I go to my parent and baby/breastfeeding group. She's too old and it's not somewhere I would want to take her so it kind of falls in to place that DH and DSD have their own daddy daughter time.

I admit though I could have unintentionally made her feel bad by doing this. I hope not.

(I should clarify she comes first to them - we are trying to rebalance things a little bit and make sure she doesn't get too spoiled)

You're not unreasonable - I assume this is your first child, and oh my God they seem so precious and fragile when that age, I didn't like anyone taking mine off me... never mind a seven year old, I'd be having the abdabs even though my rational mind knows that babies bounce. Anyone not giving her back to me RIGHT AWAY when asked, even a vulnerable seven year old, would have got the full force of my hormonal panic-rage. So good self control!

It's lovely you're so concerned about her reaction, but to be honest it sounds like a good one - she's bonded with him and doesn't feel pushed out by him. Clearly not giving him back when asked is not safe and needs dealing with, but she doesn't seem unhappy from what you say.

Possibly she has absorbed from all the pre-work you and DH did with her that you both want her to love and be happy about the baby, and she's 'performing' that for you a bit - not that she doesn't love your DS really, but that she is presenting it in an overboard way to show you how much she loves him and get your approval/make you happy, and doesn't understand why its backfiring. Kids aren't usually very subtle and are often performing, trying out personas etc to see what reactions they get/what fits them...

I'd lay down some boundaries explaining why ("I must have baby back straight away when I say, as something might not be safe for him/he might be hungry etc"), continue to praise her for being a good loving sister, try and both get a bit of one to one time with her while other parent deals with baby. Ride it for another few months and then see where you are.

Also I don't know if you are in a position where you can have a civil discussion with her mum but might be worth having a 'parents conference' to raise your concerns with her and see if DSD has volunteered anything at home or if she might have some suggestions or insights. I appreciate this may be a very naive thing to suggest but in the best of all worlds it might be possible and helpful!

and part of that is coming over as attempts to push you out (attempts which are obviously powerless, seeing as you are his mother, and which she knows are powerless - perhaps that's why they seem 'safe').

That makes a lot of sense.

My daughter did the same when #3 was born, but it was out of utter adoration not jealousy. She's still the same now that he is a bolshy toddler.

I agree that she sounds very insecure (very common when children see their parents with their 'new' family) and expensive toys is not what she needs. Find a way to show her that you're not a 'new' family, your DS is now part of the existing family. What about taking some photos for her of the 4 of you and displaying them in your living room, letting her hold him for longer (7yo children aren't as clumsy as you might think), really reiterate the 'sister' role and make plans for when he's older and talk to her about them etc