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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset by DSD jealousy over new DS?

71 replies

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 12:39

Me and DH have a 2 month old DS. I was worried for the whole pregnancy about her becoming jealous and pushed out. We did everything in our power for that not to happen. DH still has 1-1 time with her and I take DS out so they can do that. He spoilt her at Christmas as he wanted to let her know she was special (bought her the most expensive LOL gift he could fund!). He talked to her about if she had any worries (and her worry was that it might be a boy and boys cry more!).

Well, the jealousy has kicked in... but, she's gone the opposite way to which we worried she might... she's so possessive over her brother. She tells me he doesn't love me as much as her. Won't give him back when she holds him (makes excuses and we physically have to pry him out of her hands). Asks 24/7 if she can hold him. When he cries she tells me it's because he doesn't like me and wants to be with her etc etc.

She's only 7, so this clearly stems from somewhere. Maybe she is jealous and doesn't want to see us holding him, or maybe she really does just want to hold him all the time. I don't know. But I really need some advice on how to deal with this as it is getting me down and I'm worried about it.

Can anyone help?

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 03/01/2019 13:16

I'd be a bit worried that your DH bought her the most expensive present he could find. Is he going too far the other way?

abacucat · 03/01/2019 13:18

I have known a little girl just a bit older, behave exactly like this to her little sister. She was obsessed by her. I have no advice, just saying this happens in bio families too.

GunpowderGelatine · 03/01/2019 13:18

Also maybe go on a shopping trip and let her pick some new clothes for baby brother, all 4 of you.

GunpowderGelatine · 03/01/2019 13:20

OP were you the poster who wanted a pregnancy photo shoot but wanted a few pictures just you and your DH? If so, I've thought about you since and the horrific pasting you got from some right sad twats (soz if it's not you though!)

mumsastudent · 03/01/2019 13:23

op her behaviour is the same as a full sibling - don't worry! but I always made my dc sit on the floor to cuddle baby (safer cant fall far!)

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 03/01/2019 13:23

Whilst i can see why you'd find this annoying, it will pass. Make sure that she is clear on ground rules - he's little and needs his mum - and be firm but kind when she doesn't want to hand him over. I think that she needs to have it said to her that her comments about DS not liking you are unkind but not as telling off. DSD, I feel really hurt when you say that DS doesn't like me. You're being such a great big sister to him. I love you helping to look after him and I feel a bit upset when you say those sorts of things. Then when she does say them, she need gently reminding that it's unkind and not ok, whilst also continuing with everything you're doing to make her feel included, which sounds great. Praise her lots for all the nice things she does with and for her brother as well.

Mixedupmummy · 03/01/2019 13:28

fwiw I think it's normal and you're dealing with it well I say that from experience 3 dc here.
must be hard having your first baby and also being thrown into the deep end with sibling jealously/rivalry with a step child try not to worry so much you're doing a good job

gamerwidow · 03/01/2019 13:33

It's up to you not to join in with the tug of war so when she says 'He love me more than you' you say 'Yes he does love you very much it's very special the love between brother and sister'.
Let her feel her love is extra special if she wants to it doesn't diminish your love for your DS.
Other than that it really does sound like you are doing everything you can to include her and you just have to be firm with when it's OK for her to hold DS and when you need to have him back.

Firstty · 03/01/2019 13:33

Sounds like you are dealing with it great OP. Don't be afraid to be more strict though - you don't have to shout at her but make a rule that she must give her baby brother back as soon as she is asked or you will consider that she is not mature enough to hold him on her own.

Original poster

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 13:35

@gamerwidow I just tell her 'he loves us all the same'

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 03/01/2019 13:37

Mmm I'd not add in too many more activities based solely on the baby tbh. You dont want to unwittingly reinforce the idea that the best/only way for her to get attention is through interaction with him.

Mumshappy · 03/01/2019 13:38

Dds 14 and 8 argue over ds 8 months all the time. Who he likes the most who can make him laugh the most etc. They both adore him but its annoying at times.

Tinty · 03/01/2019 13:39

My DS was like this with his Dsis, he was 8 when she was born, loved her to bits. Still does at 21 and 13, and god does she adore him. In our family it is bbro, parents and cats actually cats may come before parents, or Lsis, parents and cats. .

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Just praise her for looking after her baby brother so well. Put her in safe positions to hold him, and look forward to her entertaining him lots as he gets more robust and mobile.

Try to see this as a good thing. When she says he loves me more than you, say I don't blame him you are lovely. She will grow up and get over it and if you ignore the silliness and praise the good things hopefully you will be a lovely blended family.

Original poster

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 13:40

@BarbarianMum it's so hard. It's easy from the outside to say and I agree with you but when you're in the midst of it, everything you do seems to go wrong!

OP posts:

GunpowderGelatine · 03/01/2019 13:41

TBH I wouldn't even allude to the "he loves me more" by countering her - I'd ignore that but and not entertain it at all, I would just say (like I did with DD when DS was born and she said the same thing) "He loves you so much, I reckon you're his best friend" etc.

abacucat · 03/01/2019 13:42

When she says he loves me more than you, say I don't blame him you are lovely.
I think this is good advice.

BarbarianMum · 03/01/2019 13:43

Oh yes, giving advice is easy. So here's some more. Be kind to yourself. We're all just muddling through at the end of the day and it sounds like you're doing fine.

florentina1 · 03/01/2019 13:51

I would encourage her verbally, telling her how lucky his is to have such a lovely sister. I think is a great that you have tried so hard to make her feel special even if it has slightly backfired on you. I think the novelty might wear off soon, if it is encouraged. I would address the hurtful things she says, by telling her the baby has enough love for everyone. He has a very special love for his sister and she will be able to teach him many things.

My two were 9 and 7 when the new baby came along. My God the arguments about who was going to look after him, whose turn to feed, whose turn to hold. They worshipped him right from the start.they are all in their 40s now but are extremely close. That bond formed in childhood has never broken, and I do sometimes feel like an outsider. Even though his is now a Senior Paramedic, he is still their baby brother.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 03/01/2019 13:53

I think this sounds fairly normal, I was apparently like this with my siblings although the age gap was less that your DSD. It soon calmed down after I realised that babies were a bit boring, My parents didn't make a fuss, just made sure the babies were safe, but I do remember liking being able to "help" my Mum care for my siblings, it did make me feel valued and I suspect she did this so I felt included and it worked as I never remember feeling jealous of the new arrivals. It sounds like you have done a good job preparing your DSD for her new brother and she obviously loves him and wants to do a bit of mothering herself. Try not to worry and just carry on what you are doing and let things run their course. It will be lovely for your DS to have a loving big sister.

slashlover · 03/01/2019 13:57

Could you go out for an hour or two with DSD and leave DS with his dad?

Thewifipasswordis · 03/01/2019 13:57

If she's getting everything about 'them' at your house OP then when she goes home she will be pining for him, and insecure about her relationship when she's not at yours. Thats being reflected in her behaviour. You need to give them their own separate things too, give her 'reading time' or 'doll house time' or 'astrophysics time' (whatever basically) and tell her it's baby brother's quiet time for himself (not naptime!) She needs to feel secure at yours away from him as well, and not just when she's got hold of him.

Jeanclaudejackety · 03/01/2019 13:59

Don't let yourself be bothered by the 'he loves me more than you' thing, she's just worried that she won't mean anything anymore and she knows your his mum, not hers. That has to be hard for her. You sound really nice but don't let yourself be locked into a battle of wills with her just humour her loads and praise her how good a sister she is etc. 'my brother loves me more than you!' and your response is 'no he loves us all the same' try 'well he must know how fabulous of a big sister you are! Isn't he so lucky to have you!' she is trying to push you into claiming the baby away from her so she can confirm what is buried in her mind that she is less important now. She is only 7 honestly they can seem sooo clever and so mature but really their brains are confused piles of goo until they're about 15

BertrandRussell · 03/01/2019 14:01

Can I ask-why can’t she hold him as long as she wants? An
I missing something?

Original poster

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 14:06

@slashlover I will when he's a bit bigger. He was born small (less than 5lbs) and we had to wean him off bottles on to boob (it was soul destroying and so so hard). Not ready to introduce bottles again just yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 14:08

@BertrandRussell she can. It's brilliant when I need to get things done but he can get quite fractious and I'm not comfortable with her holding him when he's starting to get grumpy and wriggling about (which is a lot!). There are times when it's just not appropriate for her to be holding him, especially if he needs feeding or is crying (he has colic and is miserable every evening).

Otherwise, she holds him quite a lot!

OP posts:

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