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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset by DSD jealousy over new DS?

71 replies

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 12:39

Me and DH have a 2 month old DS. I was worried for the whole pregnancy about her becoming jealous and pushed out. We did everything in our power for that not to happen. DH still has 1-1 time with her and I take DS out so they can do that. He spoilt her at Christmas as he wanted to let her know she was special (bought her the most expensive LOL gift he could fund!). He talked to her about if she had any worries (and her worry was that it might be a boy and boys cry more!).

Well, the jealousy has kicked in... but, she's gone the opposite way to which we worried she might... she's so possessive over her brother. She tells me he doesn't love me as much as her. Won't give him back when she holds him (makes excuses and we physically have to pry him out of her hands). Asks 24/7 if she can hold him. When he cries she tells me it's because he doesn't like me and wants to be with her etc etc.

She's only 7, so this clearly stems from somewhere. Maybe she is jealous and doesn't want to see us holding him, or maybe she really does just want to hold him all the time. I don't know. But I really need some advice on how to deal with this as it is getting me down and I'm worried about it.

Can anyone help?

OP posts:

abacucat · 03/01/2019 14:08

I suspect in bio families this is easier as the parents have already gone through the pfb stage. Whereas with her you are in the normal pfb stage
I would let her hold the baby as long as she wants.

Original poster

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 14:09

@abacucat what does pfb mean?

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 03/01/2019 14:09

In the first instance I dont think that this is too strange although needs managing. Your heart was in the right place wanting to spoil her so she wouldnt be jealous but it isnt the right approach. Indulgence often has the opposite effect. You are doing so many right things, involving her in tasks and giving her responsibilities. Its a shame she cant take up the doll activities, it was a good idea. Now to the not so popular bit, she does need to understand that the baby is not hers to own. He is too tiny for her to be holding him much, except sat on a sofa with a parent beside her. She is 7 and must have boundaries and no means no. Without being harsh I would gently correct some of the things she says. Do not let her use the baby as a weapon. A seven-year-old is very quick to find new ways. Hopefully, she will get bored with this one. soon. You and her Dad are in charge here, don't let her think that she is. I think a lot of this behaviour could even system from your own anxiety that she doesn't get jealous. Don't overthink it, just set your boundaries with the behaviour you want. Praise her when she gets it right and blank her when she gets it wrong

Original poster

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 14:10

That sounds like good advice @Confusedbeetle - thank you.

OP posts:

StormTreader · 03/01/2019 14:16

PFB is Precious First Born.

Original poster

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 14:16

Thanks @StormTreader :)

OP posts:

Original poster

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 14:20

Oh I didn't mention, the other thing that's a bit frustrating is that she's started lying about little things. A lot. She recently told her mum that I went out and left her alone to look after DS for half an hour! Of course I never did this and wouldn't dream of it, but DH got a horrid text from DSD mum saying I'm irresponsible and she should report me! Of course it never happened. I've always got on really well with her but now things are a bit awkward...

OP posts:

TheBigBangRocks · 03/01/2019 14:21

She does sound insecure for her behaviour. She will have now actually realised the baby is with her dad all the time and she is not. That's a big thing for children to fully understand and get to grips with.

Along with that will be a change in relationship between you and her now you have your own child. That can be subtle or huge depending on the parent. Everything changes when an own child comes along in a blended family.

Gomyownway · 03/01/2019 14:25

Could part of it be her worry about what happens the rest of the week she’s not with you, and her feeling left out?

I think you’ve had some great advice on here. Most importantly, be kind to yourself.

Original poster

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 14:26

@Gomyownway yes some brilliant advice! Thank you all :)

OP posts:

Original poster

BigBot9 · 03/01/2019 14:39

@Mixedupmummy thank you :)

OP posts:

ambereeree · 03/01/2019 14:45

My DD who is 3 says her baby brother loves her the most all the time. I tell her of course he does you're his big sister and best friend. BUT i can see this would not be the same with a dsd.
You're doing so well but I think she is using the status quo of spoiling her to try and demand the baby when she wants. At 7 she should be sat on the sofa next to an adult for a quick cuddle.

Neverunderfed · 03/01/2019 14:53

That's just her trying to show how well she is doing with the LO I would suggest, trying to show you trust her with the baby, she's a big girl etc

Namestheyareachangin · 03/01/2019 15:24

Oooh that fib must have caused a right drama But to be honest, I'm sure there was no mischief in it - as Neverunderfed said, just wishful thinking/fantasy got out of hand - she obviously really want a sense of 'ownership' of the baby, maybe because she's not with him all the time like a full sibling would be, and the idea he's basically 'her' baby, playing mummy, imagining she's looking after him all by herself... it's all just probably got a bit mixed up in her mind and her telling of it to her mum.

I'm sure if you and her mum usually get on well she'd never normally have given it credence - but with the best will in the world she is probably also on edge right now, wanting to be sure her precious baby isn't getting sidelined or overlooked now your 'real' child is here and probably not reacting with the healthy scepticism such a strange statement would usually throw up.

Gosh it must be really tough for everyone, and poor you having to do all this 'politics' whilst getting to grips with being a mum (and of a colicky preemie, and weaning back to the breast.... you must be fair knackered ). You have the massive advantage though that it sounds like everybody's heart is in the right place at bottom... it'll all come out in the wash xx

PerfectPeony · 03/01/2019 15:32

You sound like a lovely stepmom. I say that as someone who had a horrible one!

Everything you’re doing sounds fine. I agree make sure you all spend time together as a family too. Maybe some nice days out. It’s not been very long, especially considering she’s not with you all the time.

PikaPikaTink · 04/01/2019 11:50

You need to nip the lying in the bud. What if she repeats that you left your baby with her at school?

MoreCheeseDear · 04/01/2019 11:55

What did she say when you asked her why she lied to her mum?

Original poster

BigBot9 · 04/01/2019 12:00

@PikaPikaTink it's difficult as it should be her mum and Dad dealing with it. I can't do it on my own and they both seem to have brushed it under the carpet

@MoreCheeseDear she just says she can't remember why she said it.

OP posts:

PikaPikaTink · 04/01/2019 12:26

@bigbot9 I agree it should be the parents. But my 7 year old neice told the school my sister had bitten her because she was cross with her mummy for not letting her sit and play with her phone until school when she awoke at 4am and my sister was interviewed by social services. Luckily my niece admitted to lying when she saw the trouble that her mum got into and social service believed her but it shows that schools take children's allegations very seriously.

diddl · 05/01/2019 14:15

"she just says she can't remember why she said it."

It sounds as if she is trying show that she is important in the new family group.

It's quite daft that her mum believed her!

BertrandRussell · 05/01/2019 15:30

Why on earth would her mum have believed that? What a silly woman!

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