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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overnight guests...

79 replies

ThousandCows · 02/01/2019 21:57

We don't have a spare bedroom, so any overnight guests stay in the lounge. No sofabed - it's either a (single) camp-bed or double thermarest-type thing on the floor.

We have a toddler who's a good sleeper, but up for the day at 6am. And a baby, who wakes 2-3 times a night, and then is up from 5am - I usually go into the living room at this point, so that DH can get another hour's sleep before getting up with aforementioned toddler.

I'm on maternity leave, but DH works long hours and on a working day, we probably get to spend about an hour with each other (cramming some telly and dinner into the same slot, so any actual conversation is a bonus ).

Anyway, I am a bit of an introvert and really dislike having ANY overnight guests - I get hugely stressed and uncomfortable about it as I just feel like life is already pretty full-on... But we keep having regular(ish) requests from certain family members to stay over (despite their knowing the accommodation/logistics options). AIBU to not want overnight guests? Fully prepared to be told I'm a miserable cow

OP posts:

Aspergallus · 02/01/2019 23:02

“Our sleeping arrangements are pretty chaotic at the moment due to the baby, so we don’t have room for overnight guests at the moment.”

That’s all that needs to be said. What’s wrong with these people anyway? We have a 4 month old (3rd DC) and while we are fortunate enough to have a spare room with en suite, our family have appreciated that we won’t want the extra washing and work that comes with guests and everyone who wants to visit has offered to stay in a B&B.

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/01/2019 23:04

I would open lounge door at 5am, pass baby into GPs, retreat back to bed. When dh gets up with toddler he can bring baby back to you and you stay in bed with baby for another hour or two!

EdWinchester · 02/01/2019 23:06

God no. I wouldn’t dream of having overnight guests with that set up.

And I can’t fathom why anyone would choose to stay tbh.

Smallhorse · 02/01/2019 23:06

Just say no .

Drum2018 · 02/01/2019 23:16

Absolutely No No No. I can't believe anyone would even ask to stay, knowing that you don't have space and the kids are so small and unpredictable at that age re. sleep pattern. Given they have the cheek to ask, you, and most especially your Dh, need to be firm with his family and say 'No, it won't work between lack of space and the kids waking so early'. If they try to come up with solutions cut them off and keep saying No. Fuck offending them - they need it spelling out.

Original poster

ThousandCows · 02/01/2019 23:21

If it makes any difference to the MN consensus, the responses we get are along the lines of "we don't mind sleeping on the floor/being woken up", and "but we're family/everyone else makes room for family..."

Not sure that changes anything but DH suggested I mention it (he's just got in from work and I've made him read the thread!)

OP posts:

Warpdrive · 02/01/2019 23:22

I wonder if they are competing with each other? One stays over so the other chooses to so they don’t feel left out...

HeebieJeebies456 · 02/01/2019 23:22

let them be offended - why are their feelings more importamt than yours or your family's needs?

If dh can't/won't deal with his family then just make sure that during the next visit your kids are in your room and disturbing your husband.
Maybe when it directly impacts him he'll deal with it?

As for not wanting to make small talk in the early hours, i don't blame you.
I'm not a morning person and if people imposed upon me like this i'd not give a shit and go about my business very loudly - whilst ignoring them.

thebaronetofcockburn · 02/01/2019 23:24

'You may not mind, but we do. No overnight guests at all until the kids are a bit older.'

quizqueen · 02/01/2019 23:29

I don't understand why people start allowing things like this to happen in the first place then say they don't like to be put out of their routine . Just say, 'no' at the beginning unless it's an emergency and then there's no family or friends expectations for it to be any different!

AlexaAmbidextra · 02/01/2019 23:30

I’ve said this on another thread but if any potential visitors exceed the number of my guest beds then they won’t be staying under my roof. I simply will not have people dossing on floors/sofas etc. Tbh, I hate overnights guests anyway.

Thewifipasswordis · 02/01/2019 23:32

You're not a hotel. Why is the dynamic as such that they think it's appropriate to try and invite themselves over to stay the night

You're not teenagers or school kids. Sleepovers are not really an adult thing are they?

NoSquirrels · 02/01/2019 23:34

the responses we get are along the lines of "we don't mind sleeping on the floor/being woken up", and "but we're family/everyone else makes room for family..."

That's so kind of you, we know, you are so sweet for offering to stay and help and you know we love having family to stay ordinarily. But we just can't do it at the moment, we're sorry. We are exhausted by the early mornings and we NEED the extra space that the living room provides. So if you're in there, we can't use it. And then we're more tired and worn out than ever ... and I know you wouldn't want that because you're offering to stay to help us out.

Do see if Auntie X/Uncle Y can put you up, and then you can come back at a civilised hour after a good night's sleep and I would be so grateful to have your help then, so I can take a nap...

givemesteel · 02/01/2019 23:35

Errr no. I have kids a similar age but with a couple of guest bedrooms so more space. I still don't like guests very regularly as when you're sleep deprived and busy with small kids it's a pain in the arse to have people there, you need decompression time in the eve and not feel like you need to tiptoe around to get a cup of tea / a bottle in the morning.

Next tine just say that you're sleep training / ill / going through sleep regression etc and at the moment you can't accommodate anyone for the time being.

Just say the lack of sleep is making you ill.

Day guests OK but you need to start bed time by 5pm.

Time to put your foot down, they're the ones being rude not you.

(by the way Mumsnet will change your username retrospectively if you ask - just report your op and ask them to).

pineapplebryanbrown · 02/01/2019 23:46

I don't understand the obsession some people have in staying overnight in peoples houses. I would always opt for a hotel for myself and be very tempted to pay for a room at a Travelodge for someone to prevent them staying at mine.

category12 · 03/01/2019 00:01

Fgs don't give them your bed, ever. If they will insist on coming, inflatable mattress and 5am starts it is.

AyoadesChinDimple · 03/01/2019 00:28

It's not really about what they want or will put up with though, it's your house, you who will be put out and more tired than you already are. Still a no from me.

HildaZelda · 03/01/2019 01:07

YANBU OP. I know how you feel. We have 2 spare rooms, but I still hate anyone staying. Had a friend stay for almost a week over Christmas and I couldn't wait to see the back of her to be honest. I spent the whole week constantly cleaning and tidying after her. Apparently she has a cleaner at home. I have to say I feel very sorry for the poor cleaner.
Friend is just so lazy. Will use multiple mugs, spoons, plates etc and just leave them on the table or worse again, the sitting room floor Will make something to eat and leave everything dumped in the kitchen where she last used it. Forget about putting anything into the sink, using the dishwasher and cleaning as you go, and the less said about the state of the bathroom and bedroom, the better

I agree. I think it's time for both of us to start refusing guests.

Anothermothersusername · 03/01/2019 01:48

They sound very overbearing.

Original poster

ThousandCows · 03/01/2019 02:57

quizqueen We said no for a long time, but this ended up resulting in a very 'emotionally charged' conversation whereby we were made to feel pretty awful, and since then have tried to accommodate on a few occasions. But, as is blindingly obvious, it just doesn't work for us. Except saying no takes us back to upsetting the family members, which DH in particular is really struggling with. He wants an easy life and for everyone to be happy - which is a lovely trait, but impossible to achieve!

HildaZelda that sounds like hard work! Hope you are enjoying having your space back to yourself

OP posts:

echt · 03/01/2019 03:09

You've given in once or twice, so there's your reasoning: We've tried this and it doesn't work for us, we need the living room. Don't say anything else. Don't say they would be uncomfortable, it's about you and your needs, which do not need further explanation.

Have to say, they sound bloody rude.

thebaronetofcockburn · 03/01/2019 12:49

Hilda, just say no to that friend! And grow a spine. We have two spare rooms now, too, but years ago had a guest like your friend and neither DH nor I had any problem pulling her up each and every time she did something like get up from the table and leave her plate and cutlery, or made something to eat and didn't clean it up. 'Oi, this isn't a hotel! There's no servants here. You need to get in here and clean this up!'

In the end she left 2 days later, calling us 'controlling' and 'neat freaks' and 'slave drivers'. I told her she was a slatternly mare and she never bothered us again. Result! Someone who doesn't respect your home where they are a guest isn't a friend.

Thousand, your husband is just going to have to suffer through it and the pair of you need to be firm. Under no circumstances do you give up your bed and 'grab', who does that, a lilo on the floor.

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2019 14:26

We said no for a long time, but this ended up resulting in a very 'emotionally charged' conversation whereby we were made to feel pretty awful, and since then have tried to accommodate on a few occasions.

Then unfortunately you - or your DH, really - needs to call them out on their selfishness, putting their wishes above your needs.

They are saying "We don't care how tired or stressed it makes you to put us up. You should put us first, even though we are the people who have the most options to make the situation better. We will not put your needs first; we are more important than you."

Extremely rude and selfish of them. They need to see that. Sod "emotionally charged".

abacucat · 03/01/2019 14:30

I can understand being upset at being told to book a Travel lodge room. In my culture you would never ever make your own parents book a hotel room when visiting you.
But it is fine to say you can sleep in the living room, but the kids will be up by 5am, so the kids will be in there by then.

SoyDora · 03/01/2019 14:34

If we didn’t have a spare room for guests we wouldn’t have overnight guests, simple as that!

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