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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to funeral

63 replies

Thellama · 02/01/2019 20:31

It's the funeral of a member of husband's family on Friday. Husband wasn't particulatly close to them but is a little upset. I think we got on OK. His family don't seem to have any issues with me. We've been together 20 years.

It's a church service then to the crematorium.

There was potentially a child care issue and without giving me chance to sort it, husband just told me I'd need to stay at home to look after the children and not go. I said I'd like to go and he just grunted and walked off.

Child care got sorted and husband was indifferent.

Today he has told me I can't go to the crematorium. No discussion or explanation until I asked. First he said it's family only and then that it is small venue. Excluding partners, family members count to less than 20. Including partners it will be about 30. Obviously there will always be people who are invited even if they aren't family so it would probably be about 40. I don't think I've been to a crematorium that won't seat that many?

We are local but a lot of family aren't.

I'm getting the impression he doesn't want me to go at all.

I'm hurt and upset. I want to pay my respects obviously but I'm mainly upset about feeling like he thinks I'm not worth having there.

Husband and I are not in a good place right now so I'm feeling very sensitive and double guessing everything. This also makes it really difficult to speak to him properly about it as he's completely shut down (about everything, not just this).

I need to respect what he says though, I know.

Is it normal to exclude partners like this?

Am I being unreasonable in being upset and cross?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 02/01/2019 20:35

You don't do invitations to a funeral. Are they not usually open to anyone who wants to go? It sounds like it's your husband that doesn't want you to go rather then anyone else

BlueSuffragette · 02/01/2019 20:36

I think anybody can attend a funeral, it's not invitation only. The issue seems to be more about why your DH doesn't want you to be there.

redexpat · 02/01/2019 20:39

Grief does funny things to people. Have you asked him directly why he doesnt want you there? He might not realise that you also want to pay your respects.

PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2019 20:39

Invitations aren’t usually a thing for funerals.

This sounds like it’s coming from your dh. I’d let it go, but after it’s over try and have a serious talk about where things are going in your relationship.

Bluelady · 02/01/2019 20:39

Never heard of being invited to a funeral. I thought people just pitched up.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2019 20:45

Tbf I would respect his wishes, as it is his family member. You don't sound close to them anyway.

Original poster
Thellama · 02/01/2019 20:46

The church service is "open". I've been to funerals where part of it was family only so I don't think it's unusual.

Even if that is unusual, he has told me I'm not to go (sounds awful when written down, it wasn't) and I need to respect that. I'm not going to go if he doesn't want me there.

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 02/01/2019 20:47

Aren't funerals open to all?

Im Indian so every funeral has a crematorium service. Ive been to a fair few crematoriums around the UK and theyve all seated around 40/50 people if not more. Plus usually its always full and some people are happy to stand.

Doesn't sound like its a seating issue IMO. I wonder why your DH is pretty much banning you. You say you're not in a good place right now with each other, so could he be doing this to put distance between you and his family?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2019 20:50

That is what I thought, maybe if your having problems, he is trying to put a distance between you and his family,maybe have some space.

InkyAndBinky · 02/01/2019 20:50

Do you really want to go to the funeral? Did you know the person who died?

Might you husband want to go on his own so he can comfort other members of his family without you being there.
I don't think the fact you are not invited is that bad. If anything I'm sure it's got more to do with you and your husbands difficulties rather than you not being wanted at the funeral.

I don't think it would bother me that I wasn't invited.

Topseyt · 02/01/2019 20:51

Funerals are open to all. Not usually done by invitation. If you want to pay your respects then go and do so. It is your choice.

nicoala1 · 02/01/2019 20:53

Sounds like a DH issue more than a funeral attendance thing.

But honestly, if you can, just turn up and do not be bullied or told what to do by anyone. But if you feel better staying away, have a BIG convo with your DH later and maybe move on.

DH will surely be asked where his wife is? I dunno. Sorry for your loss anyway.

user1511042793 · 02/01/2019 20:58

Crem is a public place so you cant be banned. I went to one which seated 40 and 150 of us crammed in. You can just go not one will stop you. The issue is not that though is it. You need to know why he doesn’t want you there.

whatisforteamum · 02/01/2019 21:00

Sorry for your loss.Let your dh go alone.If you want to pay your respects light a candle at home and think of the person.I did this when my grandma died hundreds of miles.away and dc had just had all of Xmas off so could not miss school.

Eliza9917 · 02/01/2019 21:07

If he wants to exclude you and create space, pack your bags and leave while he's at the funeral. He can have plenty of space when he gets back to an empty house.

OhTheRoses · 02/01/2019 21:07

I have often been to the church service part of a funeral and the family and very closest go to the burial or cremation and then join the rest of the party at the wake. Seems normal to me but not normal to exclude a spouse.

Windgate · 02/01/2019 21:07

You have a massive H problem. I'm so sorry

Lifeofsmiley · 02/01/2019 21:07

It’s your partner who is excluding you.
Funerals are open to anyone.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 02/01/2019 21:09

The church service is "open". I've been to funerals where part of it was family only so I don't think it's unusual.

All funerals are technically open to anyone who wants to attend. You don't 'invite' people, nor do you need to wait for an invitation. What usually happens is that the time/place is announced and anyone who wants to attend to pay their respects can do so.

However, crematorium chapels are small and they run to a VERY tight schedule so large crowds can be problematic. It's not unusual for the family to request that immediate family only attend the crem and then all are welcome to a memorial church service.

ReaganSomerset · 02/01/2019 21:12

Go to the church service and the wake then. YANBU though.

Crinkle77 · 02/01/2019 21:14

I have heard of some funerals where the church service is open to everyone but the crem after is family only.

winterisstillcoming · 02/01/2019 21:15

Could he be embarrassed at the thought of getting emotional? Is there someone he doesn't want you to meet? Or something he doesn't want you to hear?

NothingOnTellyAgain · 02/01/2019 21:15

He doesn't want you to go and that is very weird.

I would be wanting to know why TBH

HollowTalk · 02/01/2019 21:17

He sounds really horrible.

Travelledtheworld · 02/01/2019 21:18

I think your husband is either going to be very emotional and doesn't want you to see him in this state.
OR
He doesn't really care and he's just going out of a sense of duty and doesn't want to make a big issue of it.

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