Not invited to funeral

[Thellama]

It's the funeral of a member of husband's family on Friday. Husband wasn't particulatly close to them but is a little upset. I think we got on OK. His family don't seem to have any issues with me. We've been together 20 years.

It's a church service then to the crematorium.

There was potentially a child care issue and without giving me chance to sort it, husband just told me I'd need to stay at home to look after the children and not go. I said I'd like to go and he just grunted and walked off.

Child care got sorted and husband was indifferent.

Today he has told me I can't go to the crematorium. No discussion or explanation until I asked. First he said it's family only and then that it is small venue. Excluding partners, family members count to less than 20. Including partners it will be about 30. Obviously there will always be people who are invited even if they aren't family so it would probably be about 40. I don't think I've been to a crematorium that won't seat that many?

We are local but a lot of family aren't.

I'm getting the impression he doesn't want me to go at all.

I'm hurt and upset. I want to pay my respects obviously but I'm mainly upset about feeling like he thinks I'm not worth having there.

Husband and I are not in a good place right now so I'm feeling very sensitive and double guessing everything. This also makes it really difficult to speak to him properly about it as he's completely shut down (about everything, not just this).

I need to respect what he says though, I know.

Is it normal to exclude partners like this?

Am I being unreasonable in being upset and cross?

excuse me - but this is about a death of husbands family - maybe he wants to be supportive to closer family members -its not a social jolly for goodness sake - have a little empathy

If this is the case, he should tell OP that.

if he needs to be close tohis family & perhaps something has been said or requested -it maybe about another spouse who they want to exclude because they are overly dramatic about grief which can be cringe making & upsetting

If this is the case, he should tell OP that.

It may also be some close friends want to be there or the family want them there because they have travelled a long way.

This wouldn't prevent the OP from going. One person isn't going to make much of a difference.

I doubt its really about you or you & your dp/h reationship

I disagree. People in functional relationships talk. She shouldn't be having to guess at his motives.

1st of all - you got her 'invited' to a funeral. Thats just really odd.

2nd - you need to ask your husband why he is intent on you not going. the funeral is not the issue - you have a husband issue.

I hope it is because DH wants to support a particular family member at this funeral. My suspicion is that he has either started to paint you as a problem, or is planning to at the funeral. ‘ look she didn’t care enough to join me today’ type thing.

Yes - I too see this as him already deciding you are "no longer family" I'm afraid.

This isn't about the funeral, per se.
There is a reason he doesn't want you to go - maybe he's been saying things about your relationship, maybe he just doesn't want you to see him at a vulnerable time, maybe he's trying to distance you from his family - who knows.

But it's not about the funeral - it's about him not wanting you to be there.

"The church service is "open". I've been to funerals where part of it was family only so I don't think it's unusual."

Yes, sometimes family only. At my gm's funeral, only extended family came to the burial even though it was open. My DM thought maybe other people thought they couldn't come (as that had apparently been the case for gf).
My gp on the other side had 'closed' family funerals, but I presume this would have been made clear with the death notice or the time and place just not published in the papers.

Churches and chapels are open, anyone can attend so this is coming from him not the venue. The reception after (if there's one) is a different case. Think you need to talk! Good luck

Sounds to me like it is 100% his decision to exclude you. As you are having issues I assume his demand you don't attend is to 'punish' you or make you feel bad.

I wouldn't go to any of it. Have a spa day instead.

We do not do everything together including funerals. If someone I don't know very well but dh does, passes, I ask him if he wants me to go with him and visa versa. In these circumstances it is about supporting your other half. If he doesn't want you there then that is ok. Maybe his memories are private at the moment and he wants to quietly grieve with his family. Be aware he may need you when he gets back and regret his decision in retrospect but that is his call to make. Let him do this his way.

Could you just send some flowers?

I agree with others that, unless there is a massive back story and there usually is on Mumsnet it sounds as though your DH wants to go on his own, to pay his respects and to share time with members of his immediate family. It's not about 'shutting you out'.

My DH and I frequently attend funerals without each other (unfortunately at our age we attend quite a lot) - unless it was a family member that we were both very close to then I think it is perfectly acceptable to go alone.

When my father in law died there was a big funeral, close family only at the crematorium and a big wake. On my side of the family it has been very common for funerals to be strictly men only for the church/commital and no wake.

Do you think your husband is afraid that he might be emotional and not want you to see him cry? That would be the only reason I could think of.