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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited to funeral

63 replies

Thellama · 02/01/2019 20:31

It's the funeral of a member of husband's family on Friday. Husband wasn't particulatly close to them but is a little upset. I think we got on OK. His family don't seem to have any issues with me. We've been together 20 years.

It's a church service then to the crematorium.

There was potentially a child care issue and without giving me chance to sort it, husband just told me I'd need to stay at home to look after the children and not go. I said I'd like to go and he just grunted and walked off.

Child care got sorted and husband was indifferent.

Today he has told me I can't go to the crematorium. No discussion or explanation until I asked. First he said it's family only and then that it is small venue. Excluding partners, family members count to less than 20. Including partners it will be about 30. Obviously there will always be people who are invited even if they aren't family so it would probably be about 40. I don't think I've been to a crematorium that won't seat that many?

We are local but a lot of family aren't.

I'm getting the impression he doesn't want me to go at all.

I'm hurt and upset. I want to pay my respects obviously but I'm mainly upset about feeling like he thinks I'm not worth having there.

Husband and I are not in a good place right now so I'm feeling very sensitive and double guessing everything. This also makes it really difficult to speak to him properly about it as he's completely shut down (about everything, not just this).

I need to respect what he says though, I know.

Is it normal to exclude partners like this?

Am I being unreasonable in being upset and cross?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2019 21:21

You said yourself you're both not in a good place right now.

You're feeling highly sensitive and he's shut down completely about everything.

He's a bit upset that his family member has died, so from what you've said, I can understand why he doesn't want you there with him.

I also understand you feeling hurt by it though.

Lemoneeza · 02/01/2019 21:23

Do you have any suspicions about him? Reading massively between the lines, sounds like there could be someone else going to be there that he doesn't want you to see.

cherish123 · 02/01/2019 21:23

Some funerals are private and, so, invitation only. Maybe, they only want family. Just accept your DH's wishes, even if you don't agree.

Toomuchadoaboutnothing · 02/01/2019 21:25

You are entitled to pay your respects to this person by going to their funeral. I would attend the church service and leave going to the crematorium.

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 02/01/2019 21:25

Might he be more receptive if you said you’d like to be there to support him? If he really doesn’t want you there you’ll just have to let it go, I think.

Wauden · 02/01/2019 21:25

I don't think this is about him feeling you aren't worthy to go there, this is about something else, whatever that is.

Flowerpower220394 · 02/01/2019 21:26

You don't need a invitation to attend a funeral, if you want to go, go. No one can stop you.

Original poster

Thellama · 02/01/2019 21:28

He's just made it very clear he doesn't want me at the crematorium. I'm now getting shrugs and monosyllabic answers from him. I'm not going to get anything else from him so it's pointless pushing it.

I'm not going to go when he's been so clear he doesn't want me there. It isn't the time to make a fuss or upset him further.

The other night he finally acknowledged we are having issues which is a start. He's not very well right now and I've been treadiing on eggshells around him.

Obviously I'm perfect and everything is all his fault.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 02/01/2019 21:29

Don't go to the funeral. It doesn't sound like you were particularly close to the deceased. I appreciate that you are concerned about your relationship and that your H is being unkind, but please don't insist on going when he has told you not to go. Because a squabble between you and your H at a funeral will be distressing for the immediate family of the deceased, and that isn't fair on them.
Sort out things with your H after the funeral rather than making the event all about you.

ADropofReality · 02/01/2019 21:34

Where I come from there's one crematorium in the town (a fairly large town not some village). My family is large and seem not to be able to say no. As we are all notionally of a certain Methodist sect (I say we all - my grandmother's generation basically but my grandmother had 14 siblings) the funeral service is in the town chapel but as there is no burial ground the dead have to be cremated at the town crematorium. After the service in the spacious Methodist chapel we all then pile into the squished non-denominational crematorium for some nonsensical service by a non-denominational minister (who never knew the deceased and passes scripted platitudes on the coffin) while the coffin is sent on castors for the last journey.

I would rather such charades were passed by and my family laid next to their kith and kin in the town cemetery but of course thanks to Victorian planners that's no longer possible.

I can't help but feel contempt for the entire process. If I was not invited I would not care a damn; it would stop me sniggering at stupid parts of the process while my kith and kin hush and shush me.

When I go I am going to have them burn me in an early-19th C Hindu process, then the ashes handed to my county cricket club, to see if burnt-and-ground-cricket fan will produce a bit more spin in the wicket, and sod the crowd.

Ginger1982 · 02/01/2019 21:34

I would stay away. Perhaps he had said something to his family about you she doesn't want it coming out? You do need to sit down with him though.

mumsastudent · 02/01/2019 21:38

excuse me - but this is about a death of husbands family - maybe he wants to be supportive to closer family members -its not a social jolly for goodness sake - have a little empathy - if he needs to be close tohis family & perhaps something has been said or requested -it maybe about another spouse who they want to exclude because they are overly dramatic about grief which can be cringe making & upsetting (I have seen this -its awful & makes a hard experience worse.It may also be some close friends want to be there or the family want them there because they have travelled a long way. I doubt its really about you or you & your dp/h reationship

Treebauble · 02/01/2019 21:39

I agree with Ginger. He may have had discussions about you with his family and might have already started to paint you in a bad light to them.

MadeForThis · 02/01/2019 21:48

If he has only just admitted that you are having issues then I think he is throwing his toys out of the pram.

Not letting you go to the funeral is a way of saying that if you're not happy with the relationship then you can't go and play happy families. Bad terminology for a funeral but you know what I mean.

If you're not happy with him then you're not allowed to go.

Ilovelblue · 02/01/2019 21:55

When my mother died, there were a number of people I really wanted to be there and asked them to attend (they would have come anyway), but there were several others I either didn't know or had forgotten about and who had heard of her death and wanted to pay their respects. They just turned up.

I must admit, for the meal afterwards, I did issue an invitation to the people I wanted to come along and the hotel needed rough numbers anyway.

It does sound very much as if your husband has an issue with you going.

LonginesPrime · 02/01/2019 21:56

Perhaps it's an issue of space/money for the wake rather than the service? As in the family will feel obliged to invite everyone back so is trying to discourage too many people to ease the stress?

nicoala1 · 02/01/2019 21:57

Sorry, but all this ansgt to me, has nothing to do with the deceased person.

Does it really?

RomanyRoots · 02/01/2019 21:57

Sounds like he's hiding something.
Anyone can go to a funeral there are no invites, it's not something you do.
If you want to go then go, with or without your dh.

mostlydrinkstea · 02/01/2019 21:59

From a practical point of view many funerals are open to all at the church and then limited to close family at the crematorium. Timings can be tricky as you need to get a large group of people who usually haven't seen each other for ages and who are grieving to get those collective backsides in gear, get in their cars, drive to venue number 2. This is the practical reason why crem after church is often for family only. It means less cats to herd for the funeral director.

The close family at the crem may have absolutely nothing to do with your relationship with your partner. What you could do is go to the church and then go onto the wake and make sure that the rest of the guests don't eat all the food. I've come back from the crem to the wake to find nothing left for the family (and vicar) to eat.

When the dust has settled perhaps talk this over wit( your partner. Grief does weird things to people.

MarSeeAh · 02/01/2019 22:00

It is unusual for partners and spouses to be excluded. As a parish minister I regularly conduct funeral services, and even when the cremation part of the service is private and for family only, "family" most definitely includes spouses and partners.

This isn't really about the funeral. It's about your marriage, and your husband's attitude to you.

DeaflySilence · 02/01/2019 22:18

"His family don't seem to have any issues with me."

Is there anyone in his close family who you get on with particularly well? Someone you could contact to say your DH seems to be going through a particularly hard time at the moment, and now he has told you that he doesn't want you to go to the funeral.

Ask them if they know if this is a general view and, if not, tell them that you don't want to further upset DH on such an occasion, but equally you don't want to upset anyone else by just not being there, so you wanted to explain why you wouldn't be at the crematorium.

Is there a wake or social gathering after the service, to which you could go?

PinaColada1 · 02/01/2019 22:24

I would push this personally. Insist that you go.

It’s not a close family member to him, yet he doesn’t want you by his side. I think you need to be forcing the issue as otherwise you are limping along as an invisible person. Everyone else’s partner is probably there.

JustOneMoreStep · 02/01/2019 22:34

Funerals are not a free for all. I had to investigate the legal status of funerals when my father died as he specifically stated he did NOT want certain members of his immedate family to attend (and those people were adamant that they were going to attend). Funerals in churches can be attended by anyone as they are public places, technically you aren't entitled to attend a funeral if the person organizing the funeral objects, but they can't prevent you from entering a church so the logistics of that are unmanageable. A crematorium is a private space which you are hiring for that period of time, so the person organizing the funeral is quite entitled to dictate who can and cannot attend. In my families case we had the funeral director prepared to ask said person to leave if they turned up but they were quite prepared to call the police if said party refused.......to be honest this was a worry for us as family right up until we followed Dads coffin into the crem and the chapel doors closed. Thankfully they didn't turn up and the worry was unnecessary but it was stress we didn't need, though it was important to us that Dads final wishes were adhearded too.

Please respect your husbands/his families wishes on this. It's a horrid time.

InkyAndBinky · 02/01/2019 22:38

Obviously I'm perfect and everything is all his fault.

I believe you. 😊

I think you are right to leave it be. You might as well be as gracious and supportive as you can be now. (Even if you are pissed off). Deal with the funeral as a separate issue to the other stuff you have going on.

You can

PinaColada1 · 02/01/2019 22:48

I think though if the OPs DP doesn’t want her there, he’s not seeing her as in any way a significant person in his life. There isn’t any other valid reason, it’s not really about his or his families wishes and grief, it’s about excluding her.

So I’d push it to get to why. You can’t just push out your live in partner from significant family events because you are just feeling a bit off abut the relationship. It’s a very final thing.

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