Not to collect this 'gift' from ex fil

[thduchessstill]

Today I missed the delivery of Fil's Christmas gift to the dc and have got a postcard telling me it needs to be collected from the depot. The problem is, I really don't want to go. I know what it is - some kind of charity goat/schoolroom/toilet 'gift', that will be over-packaged, hence not fitting through the letterbox and of very little interest to the dc whatsoever.

He sends these every year (though usually in time for Christmas) and every year I'm at work when they are delivered and have to collect them from the depot (40 minute round trip, nearly always has a long queue). It's a total pita. I don't agree with this kind of thing anyway for all the usual reasons, but I'm especially annoyed because he fucking well sends them here, making it my responsibility not only to collect them but to talk about them to the dc. Why? They stay with his son three times a fortnight and spend Boxing Day with that side of the family, which is when Fil gives them their 'real' gifts, but yet every year he sends these (one each for each dc) to my home. Maybe it's a dig at me, but he is actually a nice man and I can't imagine he means anything snide by it, but I have enough to do without going miles out of my way to collect these wretched things. I'm back at work on Monday and have other plans (not unchangeable) for the last few days of the holiday. His fuck of a son does nothing for the dc aside from 'having' them when he does and this all adds to my reluctance to add this to my long list of things to do.

Are they returned to sender if uncollected and if I so would I be horribly unreasonable not to get them?

*They are

This is missing the point, but I don't get how it can be over-packaged if it's a charity goat/schoolroom/toilet thing.

But anyway, why not just say thank you and at the same time tell him you always seem to miss the delivery and can he give any future presents to DH.

Most of these charity things come with gifts such as a cuddly toy , key ring or activity pack so thats why it probably doesnt fit through the door.
OP doesnt have to do anything but organising delivery takes all of 30 seconds and can be organised for a convenient time and place. Not wasting 30 seconds of time because its not you place to facilitate an ex pil doing something nice is pretty shitty imo

I think I would get it just because I would worry I was missing soemthing good!

I think I'd also tell the ex FIL that he needs to pass all the presents on to the kids when he sees them/via his son.

fruitbrewhaha "Why would you buy this for a child?" Maybe to show them how lucky they are that they have the things they need (assuming they do). To show how good it can be to be kind and spend money on others who have no way to materially repay the gift by buying one in return. It may not be your thing but I think it is a really nice idea.

"It's such a non-present." I kind of agree but so much of the tatt that is given at this time of year is also a non-gift. Including the crap in crackers!

And he does buy them a 'proper' present too.

I think the issue is that the father in law should be handing these over and explaining them or his son, their father, should ne.

FIL probably sends it so that the children have something to open from them on Christmas Day as well as Boxing Day. He doesn't sound like he is trying to put you out and would probably be horrified if he realised what a hassle it is for you to collect. Maybe just arrange for it to be delivered at a time you are in rather than ignore it? For next year, just mention that you are not often in so can he send any gifts for the children to his son. Maybe he sends them because he thinks it will just be an envelope that will reach you easily.

Thanks sweeneytoddsrazor.

Why is it you're so adamant your children shouldn't support charity?

Supporting charity is always something that you choose to do voluntarily because you genuinely want to.

If I were to swipe your purse and then give all of the contents to a good cause of MY choosing, would you be thrilled at the opportunity (or even just the imputed duty) for YOU to support charity?

What are the "usual" objections to this type of gift? Genuine question.

Simply, it isn’t a gift – at least not one for the supposed recipient of it.

You don’t know me at all, but I gave my son a few presents for Christmas which he really enjoyed. I'm just telling you this so that you can swoon with gratitude and thank me profusely for my great kindness towards you.

IF you ask somebody (probably an adult) what they would like for a present and THEY reply, completely unprompted, “Oh, there’s nothing I really need, thank you – I’d prefer you to give to somebody much less fortunate than me instead.” THEN, you might give a goat to an African family on their behalf - and could send your friend an acknowledgement card if you want to share with them what you've done, prompted by their kind suggestion.

There was nothing at all stopping the FIL from quietly making a donation himself – from him - to this charity which he wants to support – and then keeping quiet about it.

Giving to charity should be its own reward and, preferably, should be done anonymously; otherwise, you aren't giving at all but rather just trying to buy good PR (i.e. smug boasting rights and virtue-signalling) for yourself.

They are the children's presents so not your decision to make.
This is a present for your child. But you don’t care about that do you?

Incorrect. These are presents given to a stranger for which a completely unconnected third party, who happens to know the giver but wasn't aware of their decision to make the gift, is bizarrely supposed to express personal gratitude.

If it’s a goat it will have chewed its way out of the wrapping by now and be happily settled at the sorting office being petted by postmen n shorts.*

fruitbrewhaha "Why would you buy this for a child?"

Maybe to show them how lucky they are that they have the things they need (assuming they do). To show how good it can be to be kind and spend money on others who have no way to materially repay the gift by buying one in return. It may not be your thing but I think it is a really nice idea.

But unless you only ever buy for them and for nobody else - and you tell them that you've done this instead of buying them another present, how are they to take it as a reminder only of their own privilege (and not yours too) - any more than if you gave them 20 presents and then you also gave one to Auntie Mabel, but bizarrely put their name on it instead of AM's?

Surely it would be much better if you showed them the £100 (or whatever) total Christmas money that YOU received and said "I'm so fortunate but some people - even children - have nothing, which really isn't fair - I'm going to give £10/£20 of my money to them so that they can have a present too".

You'd hope that children who've been brought up with any values of fairness and being kind would respond by suggesting that they wanted to do the same for disadvantaged children with a small share of the money that they received. Then you tell them about goats or wells in developing countries and ask if they'd like to join with you and make a combined gift to make a huge difference to a poor family's life by buying them a goat.

It's a much better lesson for children if you encourage kindness rather than enforcing it (in a way they might not really fully understand anyway).

All the people saying just re-arrange delivery - maybe it isn't convenient?

If i get stuff i have to collect from RM, it goes to a depot on a town 10 miles in the opposite direction to work. The depot is open 8am til 2pm. Not helpful. I can get it delivered to another post office... but not ANY post office of choice - and the ones that i CAN choose from are no more convenient.

So to pick up a RM item i can only go on a Saturday morning - what happens when i actually have other plans?

If you were not so sure that it was a charity gift, if there was a possibility it was a "proper" gift or something valuable, would you find the inclination to go online to rearrange delivery, or go in the car to get it - given that you are still on holiday until Monday?

just ignore it. let FIL work it out when it's returned

I think I’m a fairly kind person but if I were in your shoes I think I would just ignore the card. I would explain to the children the reasons you have given here, they seem very valid. If fil ever asks I would explain your reason for not collecting. If he is a decent chap he will understand and won’t want to keep inconveniencing you in this way. Hopefully he will find another way of alerting the children to this type of gift.

I’m sorry that you have had to read some snippy, unhelpful replies to your post.

Happy New Year!

Gosh, I hadn't realised there were so many more replies.

I can only assume that those who are unable to understand why I don't feel inclined to put myself out for this have no experience of juggling everything on their own while another, feckless, parent does sweet FA. I'm never home before my local PO shuts in the week, and on Saturday mornings we're busy with clubs, but, in any case ex is far more able than me to sort that kind of thing as he doesn't work.

Today I've wasted 20 minutes rebooking ds2's swimming class because it has been automatically cancelled as ex never took him. It was on his contact day because he agreed to that when ds2 asked him as he (ds2) hated having to go on weekends. Ex lives a 2 minute walk from the pool. They both 'forgot' each week, so I've had to rebook and also pay an extra £10 'joining fee'. Yes, it's ds's fault as well as ex's, but he's the fucking adult. This is just one example of the endless, petty crap I have to deal with that wears me down. Also waiting for him to reply about when he wants to see the dc this week. None of it is his dad's fault, but, well, he brought him up.

I think the suggestions to send a firm but polite text to ex fil are great, but I have never had any contact details for him. I could maybe do something like that via ds1 though.

And, as others have pointed out, these are not presents for my dc in any real sense of the word, Some people have written how I can explain to them about charity, but both are very well-informed about this kind of stuff. They're not babies and we regularly give to food banks & animal homes and they each sponsor a wild animal. Ds1 is very well informed about how this kind of giving is not actually a very efficient way of doing it anyway. Yes, they're incredibly lucky compared to the recipients of these gifts, but compared to ex fil, not so much. He had two fairly well-to-do parents who didn't divorce and supported him well into his adulthood. My dc are not so fortunate. I'm sure ex fil does donate on his own behalf as well, but I feel like, rather than telling my dc how lucky they are, he could consider the fact they have one parent, his son, who does nothing for them - financially, practically or emotionally. I'm not suggesting he owes them anything as he obviously doesn't, but they/we could do without this virtue-signalling as well.

U agree OO. It isn't a real present, it's virtue signalling foisted upon you. And a pain for you to collect. I wouldn't bother collecting them either. There's no need for FIL to post these packages to you (that can't be delivered as surely he knows you work full time).

The op has already said the FIL has form for wrapping these so they don’t go through the letterbox.

Would they go through op without the wrapping? If so I would def leave it and wonder why your FIL is making it to big for the letter box every year.

You can arrange redelivery to your home on a different day online Vice.

You can choose any day.

This is one of those posts, where I think 'only on Mumsnet would this be a problem'.
So I think you are being unreasonable. Sorry.
I don't think there would be anything wrong with pointing out the inconvenience to him (politely, in addition to thanks!), so that this can be avoided in future years. If you don't tell him, then how's he supposed to know.
My kids would love one of those sponsored animal gifts ... especially the ones that come with the soft toy animals (which are perhaps the reason they're not fitting through the letterbox!).

HauntedPencil

OP isn’t an idiot

Read the thread

Dieu. I’m sure OP can send you the details and you can go and collect it

Might be out of your way - but I’m sure you have little else to do

Sorry Op, have just read your reply as above, and you do sound a bit frazzled. I would never mean to add to that, especially as a single mum of 3 myself.

Oh, wheesht Greentulips.
Some of us just perceive this to be more of a problem than others.

Give the card to the DC to take to their DF and they can ask him to collect their "gift". Then if FIL does get it returned to him, he only has his own son to blame.

Sweeney. It’s not just “30 seconds” nothing really does take “just 30 seconds”. People vastly underestimate how much time it takes to do tasks.

I can get why the OP has no appetite to do this. It’s just another task on her ever ending to do list. So, I can understand why she cannot be arsed having to sort it out