Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my bf to look after my daughter?

74 replies

ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 11:20

Back to work today and nursery phoned to say dd was poorly d&v so she can’t go to back to nursery for 48 hrs. Work let me finish to collect her but I really need to go in tomorrow. My parents are working, I’ve text dds dad who isn’t but he says he’s busy Hmm. I could ask my grandparents but they haven’t been too well themselves so I feel bad asking.
My bfs not at work but he’s never had dd alone, although he’s fantastic with her and I know she’d be happy being left with him.
Thing is he hasn’t offered and I’ve mentioned I’m struggling. I’m not sure if he’s not mentioned it because he doesn’t want to or if he’s not sure I’d want him to.

He’s moved in here recently and I’m pregnant so it’s serious. The only thing he’s never really done intimate care, dd asked him to bath her a few times which he was happy to do if I was in the bathroom too. As soon as we got in dd went to him for a cuddle and he’s sat reading to her on the sofa.

I’m just not sure if it’s reasonable to ask him or I should wait and see if he offers.
Although if I say my bfs having her dad might suddenly become less busy anyway.

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 02/01/2019 11:23

Your DD has a dad, make it clear that he needs to make himself available to care for her or he doesn’t get to see her.

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 11:25

The court order says differently @Cherries101.

OP posts:
Eviecee · 02/01/2019 11:25

That is pointless advice, if her Dad isnt willing then he isnt going to help.

@OP i think you should ask your bf. You have nothing to lose by asking.

Lifeisabeach09 · 02/01/2019 11:27

Although I feel your DD's dad needs to do it, as this isn't an option, of course, ask your partner. He is taking on step-father role so looking after his step-children solo he will have to get used to.

CripsSandwiches · 02/01/2019 11:29

To be fair if he's living with you and made another child with you he should be OK having DD alone.

That said her dad should do it anyway. Who cares if he's busy. Sometimes when you have a kid you have to cancel plans because your kid is sick.

bobstersmum · 02/01/2019 11:32

He's not just a bf if he's living with you and you're pregnant with his child is he? I was expecting you to say you'd only been seeing him a month or something which might still apply

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 11:32

I don’t think he’ll say no if I ask. But him not offering makes me think he might feel uncomfortable having her alone.
My ex has been horrid at times and said some horrible things about my bf being around dd. I think that’s why he’s quite cautious about being alone with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 11:34

Oh and I know her dad should do it! But believe me if he doesn’t want to nothing I say will change his mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 11:36

No, I guess he’s my partner but I’m not keen on that word @bobstersmum.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 02/01/2019 11:38

Have you known him long?

Pieceofpurplesky · 02/01/2019 11:38

I would ask your boyfriend. When DS was ill I asked exh to have him, as I had already had time off, and the response was I needed to 'book ahead of time so he could organise it'. Yep, I'll schedule s&d to happen shall I Hmm

Magentaorwagenta · 02/01/2019 11:39

If you have court ordered time, no your ex does not have any obligation to care for her when it is not 'his" day.

If you share a house with your boyfriend and are pregnant together I have no idea why he can't look after her alone, unless you don't trust him, which is then an entirely different question and call the entire relationship into question.

You have the right to take parental leave to look after you own child which is what I would do in these circumstances while I worked out if I trusted my partner to care for my DD while I worked.

All the best op.

flowery · 02/01/2019 11:39

”But him not offering makes me think he might feel uncomfortable having her alone.”

That surely can’t be the case, otherwise why would he do something so significant as move in with her to form a family unit?

FinallyHere · 02/01/2019 11:42

I think that’s why he’s quite cautious about

If you are living with someone, and making new family together, your life is going to be massively better if you can talk openly and honestly together. Not assume, not guess, not think, but ask , perhaps using that old chestnut 'how would you feel about....'

They may not know how they feel, some people like to talk out loud to work it out, others need solitude and space. Knowing this about your partner , perhaps again by asking, is very helpful. All the best...

ChrisjenAvasarala · 02/01/2019 11:42

So what's the plan when the new baby comes along? He'll look after baby alone but you'd have to find childcare for your older child?

You're a blended family. He's a step father now. That means he takes on the task of caring for all the children in the household when you are at work or unavailablr and you care for them when he is working or unavailable.

You really should have made his role clear before you moved in and got pregnant. Sit down together and talk about family life and how it will work because you cannot parent on child together whist he remains hands off and not at all responsible for the other child in the household.

doxxed · 02/01/2019 11:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/01/2019 11:44

Ask him, sure it'll be fine.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/01/2019 11:45

Surely if you are pregnant and moved in, you are close enough to have an open conversation about it?

bobinks · 02/01/2019 11:51

OP maybe your BF is just a bit anxious about having sole charge of your DD, it can be quite daunting to look after sameone else's child. Doesn't sound like he has been alone with her at all yet? Or he might just be thinking that you are not asking because you don't want him to have her!

I would ask him to take her, and if he wants to then also set up some regular contact during the day - maybe pop home for lunch / do regular texts/ FTime at lunch if too far to come back / work through lunch to get back a bit early. Can he take DD round to Grandparents later if they are back before you?

If your BF doesn't feel OK on his own with your DD just yet, then you will of course just have to take time off work. It happens to parents/carers occasionally and your work colleagues/boss/clients will understand.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 02/01/2019 11:54

Exactly what Stompy said. I am honestly quite surprised that you live together, are expecting a baby together and haven't had a conversation like this up until this point.

WinnieFosterTether · 02/01/2019 11:55

Would it be worth calling DD's dad again and saying if he can't watch her then you'll need to ask your bf?
It should be fine to ask your bf but it sounds as though your ex has established a horrible dynamic that makes your bf wary of being alone with DD. In which case, I'd get her DF on board with the fact that if he doesn't step up then you'll ask your bf and will assume he's happy with that option.

whatwillbewillbe03 · 02/01/2019 11:59

I think you should definitely ask your BF to look after her. You are a family and a team so he should not hesitate.

I've had to ask my partner (we don't live together) on several occasions to help with my 7 yo DD and without hesitation he has stepped up and they have a great time together.

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 12:00

We didn’t plan this baby so it’s all happened a bit quicker than we’d have planned it. I did stress that I still wanted to take things slow with dd and us not rush. He’s really very good with her, but such as bathing etc we only did because she asked a few times. He’ll read her a bedtime story and stuff when I’m downstairs and he’s got up with her a few mornings over the holidays because I’ve not be sleeping well.
He’s only just moved in, he’s actually still moving stuff this week.

We’ve discussed the future, he’s a teacher so the plan is he’ll have both dc in the school holidays to cut down on childcare but we’ll have time to build up to that, I’m planning on taking a year off.

I think I just expected him to say he could have her, when I mentioned that I was struggling for tomorrow. The fact he didn’t threw me a bit.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 02/01/2019 12:01

Woooaaaahhhh, how long have you actually been together?

KatharinaRosalie · 02/01/2019 12:01

He's not at work, you live together and are expecting a baby. I really don't see why it's unreasonable for him to help here. Ask.

Swipe left for the next trending thread