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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my bf to look after my daughter?

74 replies

ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 11:20

Back to work today and nursery phoned to say dd was poorly d&v so she can’t go to back to nursery for 48 hrs. Work let me finish to collect her but I really need to go in tomorrow. My parents are working, I’ve text dds dad who isn’t but he says he’s busy Hmm. I could ask my grandparents but they haven’t been too well themselves so I feel bad asking.
My bfs not at work but he’s never had dd alone, although he’s fantastic with her and I know she’d be happy being left with him.
Thing is he hasn’t offered and I’ve mentioned I’m struggling. I’m not sure if he’s not mentioned it because he doesn’t want to or if he’s not sure I’d want him to.

He’s moved in here recently and I’m pregnant so it’s serious. The only thing he’s never really done intimate care, dd asked him to bath her a few times which he was happy to do if I was in the bathroom too. As soon as we got in dd went to him for a cuddle and he’s sat reading to her on the sofa.

I’m just not sure if it’s reasonable to ask him or I should wait and see if he offers.
Although if I say my bfs having her dad might suddenly become less busy anyway.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/01/2019 12:04

you are waiting for him to offer
he is probably waiting for you to ask

With a tricky ex and a D&V situation I would say you should ask rather than him offer

NoSquirrels · 02/01/2019 12:05

Just ask, woman! What are you worried about?

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 12:06

It's possible your ex's words are still ringing in his ears.

Just ask him, and see his reaction to see if really doesn't want to.

If he's unhappy about it then it may have to be your GPs.

ComfortablyGlum · 02/01/2019 12:06

I can’t understand how you can be in a serious relationship and not be able to openly discuss something like child care.

It should be a simple conversation not something that needs a thread on the internet.

You “I’m struggling with childcare for Dd would you be able to have her tomorrow?”

Him “Yeah of course no problem” or “No sorry I don’t feel comfortable doing that”

You both discuss the above. Why is is so hard? Sorry if I sound a bitch op but I hate seeing people in fairly new relationships that seem incapable of simple communication. Just bloody well talk to each other!!!

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 12:07

We’ve been together around 18 months. I’ve known him more than 5 years as a friend.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 02/01/2019 12:08

It sounds like you've not been together long, but, it is what it is, and he's a teacher so you should be able to trust him. Speak to him about it all today. You'll be trusting him with your baby soon enough anyway.

NoSquirrels · 02/01/2019 12:10

Just. Ask. Him.

NoSquirrels · 02/01/2019 12:12

Because, if you cannot ask a man you have been together with 18 months, who you are having a baby with, who has moved into your house, who has no other prior commitments, to watch your nursery-aged child, then you have problems going forward you need to address.

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 12:13

I feel awkward because I know him and if I ask I know he won’t say no. So I guess I wondered what the general consensus on bfs doing childcare was.

OP posts:
StirFriedBadger · 02/01/2019 12:13

If he's a teacher is it because he's busy planning for the next term? Round here most are back to school tomorrow or have staff development days at least.

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 12:14

Yes, but he’ll be equally trusting me with his child @bobstersmum.

OP posts:
ChrisjenAvasarala · 02/01/2019 12:16

Seriously... I don't understand what your plan is
When you have the baby and you want an hour to go out without kids, will he watch the baby and you will need to find childcare for your other child?

You are a blended family. You are not boyfriend and girlfriend with separate family lives. You really need to talk about this before baby is born.

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 12:16

He is busy, work to do and still moving his things in @StirFriedBadger. He’s doing some marking/planning now while sat with dd. He’s not back till Monday though.

OP posts:
IJustLostTheGame · 02/01/2019 12:16

He should look after your dd. You live together and are going to have a baby together. You are all a family now.
When you have the baby he will have to step in to do things anyway, he can't just help with the baby.

Handsfull13 · 02/01/2019 12:17

I would definitely ask him. He loves you and is becoming part of your family so it seems natural he can help with childcare in an emergency.
As long as she is happy to stay with him I would do it. Maybe ask work if you can work a slightly shorter day to get back to her and make up the hours elsewhere.

NoSquirrels · 02/01/2019 12:17

He's not "a boyfriend" though, is he?

He's your significant other. You are pretty committed to each other, in a life-partner sense.

You didn't just start dating him...

Pogmella · 02/01/2019 12:20

Think it's a bit poor he hasn't offered at least half a day or something tbh. My partner has his own DS. The first time he had DD on his own I was quietly dieing from a chest infection on the sofa with DD clambering all over me showing me her colouring in. He popped in with my antibiotics and offered to take her to the cinema for an hour because it was just the obvious thing to do.... I imagine if he hadn't offered I would feel odd asking i suppose.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 02/01/2019 12:20

To be honest, the fact that he knows the situation and knows you have no one to look after her but hasn't said "what do you mean there's no one, I'm at home" shows that you have some serious problems and he isn't committed to being a family with you. Because that's what a partner who has blended his life with a family would say.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/01/2019 12:22

You’re pg by this man,you live together, but you have reservations about asking he help you
you have misgivings asking him to care for your sick dd whilst you’re at work?
He knows you’re in need and he didn’t spontaneously offer,your partner of 18mths didn’t offer?

Fairenuff · 02/01/2019 12:24

You live together, you are having a baby together yet you don't feel like you can ask him for help.

Something is not right here OP.

Laloup1 · 02/01/2019 12:26

The timing is unfortunate with him literally moving in! But in his shoes I would do this. After knowing my partner’s daughter for about six months i was happy to help with childcare here and there. So I think it’s reasonable to ask.
Assuming he’s ok with nappies if she’s still in them?!

MrsG010814 · 02/01/2019 12:26

I don't understand what the issue is, you either ask your oh to look after her or you take time off work. I don't understand why your finding this so difficult. You clearly don't trust your oh with your dd otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

altiara · 02/01/2019 12:28

Ask him! He might think you don’t want him too as you’ve been searching for other people to do it.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 02/01/2019 12:29

I feel awkward because I know him and if I ask I know he won’t say no. So I guess I wondered what the general consensus on bfs doing childcare was
What is your issue here? He is your live in partner, he is taking on a child with you and expecting a second - he needs to be helping with the childcare?! I just don't understand why you can't ask. He should say yes, no problem and if he doesn't, well you've got far bigger problems frankly.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/01/2019 12:37

Sure it’s disruptive when a child is unwell,it’s unplanned and requires adult to act
But he’s your partner,soon to be a dad.he’ll have to be hands on with two kids
Have you two actually discussed parenting style,preferences and expectations, will he assist with cahikdcare,new baby,domestic tasks,night time if baby unsettled
He will have to step up when new baby arrives and that includes helping with DD