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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my bf to look after my daughter?

74 replies

ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 11:20

Back to work today and nursery phoned to say dd was poorly d&v so she can’t go to back to nursery for 48 hrs. Work let me finish to collect her but I really need to go in tomorrow. My parents are working, I’ve text dds dad who isn’t but he says he’s busy Hmm. I could ask my grandparents but they haven’t been too well themselves so I feel bad asking.
My bfs not at work but he’s never had dd alone, although he’s fantastic with her and I know she’d be happy being left with him.
Thing is he hasn’t offered and I’ve mentioned I’m struggling. I’m not sure if he’s not mentioned it because he doesn’t want to or if he’s not sure I’d want him to.

He’s moved in here recently and I’m pregnant so it’s serious. The only thing he’s never really done intimate care, dd asked him to bath her a few times which he was happy to do if I was in the bathroom too. As soon as we got in dd went to him for a cuddle and he’s sat reading to her on the sofa.

I’m just not sure if it’s reasonable to ask him or I should wait and see if he offers.
Although if I say my bfs having her dad might suddenly become less busy anyway.

OP posts:
Frlrlrubert · 02/01/2019 12:42

If it we're me I'd have no issue asking.

The only potential problems I can see would be either

  1. DD still needs assistance with the toilet and BF has never wiped an arse other than his own - in which case use today to see if they're both ok with that happening, or

  2. he's up to his eyeballs in marking (I am) and could really do without a toddler tomorrow, in which case negotiate part of the day/ helping with something at the weekend so he can catch up?

B00kedEarly8 · 02/01/2019 13:27

Your child is sick, so take the parental leave off work, that is what it's for ! Secondly, you are about to have another baby, but you can't ask your live in partner for help ? ? ?

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 02/01/2019 13:31

The "intimate care" issue could be a very valid reason why he hasn't offered.

I lived with my SDs (2 & 6 at the time) for a few months before I had them alone for more than half an hour or so. They'd have been fine - I'm very lucky and they were very accepting. But it's not a situation in which a man who is non-family (yet, anyway) can just relax.

Sure, I could help wipe them after the toilet, but what if the two year old babbles to her daycare worker that "Mummy's friend touched me here" or something? Even now after a good couple of years where they see me as family, I'm constantly vigilant that there's no situation that could be misconstrued in an abusive sense.

Society is (quite rightly!) vigilant about abuse, and stepfathers are a risk group, so every step of the way it's something to think about.

If, right now, he feels uncomfortable about it, please respect that.

Omzlas · 02/01/2019 13:35

You're carrying his baby
You're living together

But won't ask him to look after your child? HmmHmm

Just ask him

And you do realise you're entitled to take parental leave, don't you?

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 02/01/2019 13:37

I’m with others who have alarm bells ringing? So you’ve moved him in and decided to have another child with him but he’s never taken care of your existing child, you don’t feel comfortable asking and he hasn’t offered? All a bit odd, to say the least.

Karigan195 · 02/01/2019 13:38

take the step and ask. You need help. Partners are supposed to help. He’s a teacher and not a new boyfriend so should be able to cope.

OutPinked · 02/01/2019 13:42

You’ve been together for a year and a half, not a month and you’ve also known him much longer. You’re serious enough to move in together and more importantly, have a baby together but you’re too afraid to ask him to watch your DD for a while? Doesn’t add up.

When the baby is born he will need to be a step father and father simultaneously for it to work therefore will sometimes have to look after both. He needs to get used to this.

Cuntcuntcunt · 02/01/2019 13:44

there's something odd that he didn't offer and that you don't feel you can ask tbh

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 13:44

I know everyone is saying he lives with me. But he’s just moved in. I think I expected we’d move slowly to him having dd alone, I wasn’t very well on the run up to Christmas so he did the food shopping. But I was thinking a few short trips to supermarket while he watch dd first. Like I said he got up with her a few mornings and watched her while I went for a nap. He’ll do bedtime story and when he’s with her he’s great, the other morning I got up and they were baking bread. But he hasn’t done getting her dressed, helping at the toilet those things.
I think I was asking in the sense that is asking him to suddenly do a full day of childcare a bit cheeky of me!
I was quite stressed earlier my boss wasn’t particularly nice about dd being ill, just had Christmas so could do without losing money, ex was as usual a idiot and I guess I just wanted my bf to offer so I didn’t feel I was putting it on him.

In regards to our dc, I’ve no doubt he’ll be hands on. In regards to my dd I’ve no doubt he wants to be just as hands on, we just haven’t got there yet. I think that’s mostly down to me though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePeachPit · 02/01/2019 13:49

Parental leave is to be booked and taken as full weeks isn’t it? My boss thinks the half day today is more than enough time to sort out alternative child care.

OP posts:
Karigan195 · 02/01/2019 13:52

Ok you need to wake up and small the coffee a bit. Ideally you might want to take it slowly but that baby is already inside you. He already lives in your house with you, you are already a family unit. He is effectively loco parentis already so stop tip toeing around it and just ask him.

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/01/2019 13:52

I'd see it as an opportunity. You're making a family together. Your DD is part of that and obviously has developed an attachment to your boyfriend. There is a danger that it impacts her negatively when baby arrives if she feels very much a second-class citizen when it comes to his attention and affection. So I would go for it and look for more opportunites in the future for him to have more involvement with her.

KatharinaRosalie · 02/01/2019 13:54

It really isn't cheeky. He's at home, you need to work, there's a child in the family that needs to be taken care of. No brainer really.

NoSquirrels · 02/01/2019 13:54

This does sound more about you than him, or your DD.

Have you asked yet?

NoSquirrels · 02/01/2019 13:57

Can you look at it this way? If you start as you mean to go on, he will be more invested and the relationship will develop sooner. He's bathed her. She wanted him to - she's comfortable with him! Compartmentalising everything into small supermarket trips at this stage is not helpful. You want life to be as "normal" as possible for everyone, and that means now that your partner lives in your house, he's happily available to do more with your DD. For both their sakes get on with it!

Chamomileteaplease · 02/01/2019 14:02

Maybe it's the best thing. It wasn't planned but your bf gets to look after your dd for two days. In at the deep end. Why not? Just ask.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/01/2019 14:05

Essentially you’re going to end up with 3kids,new baby,dd and man-baby
Already you’re resigned to fact he won’t be hands on.why won’t he be hands on
He’s got responsibilities as a parent,and yup that includes feeds,up at night and chores
But you seem to acquiescence that he won’t be any help to you or the kids.
What is the point of him?
How’s the accommodation arranged?is it rental?both on lease? Or your home you on the deeds.
How’s the finances work?joint acc for bills & food?
Work, how much mat leave are you taking?

Lelly0503 · 02/01/2019 15:36

@lipstick those questions are instrusive and irrelevant. The OP has actually portrayed her BF quite well, I don’t see how you have come
To the conclusions in your post.

OP It sounds like you may be over thinking the situation which is something I would do. I think all you can do is ask your BF, it sounds like he’ll be fine based on the level of involvement he has with your Dd already.

loubluee · 02/01/2019 15:51

OP just ask him. I remember when I was in this position years ago. When I finally asked dp he said he wanted to offer but was afraid he would be treading on someone’s feet. Luckily he and ds’s dad got along really well, and over the years often sorted childcare between them when I was working.

Please just ask, the worst he can say is no. If he does don’t take that as him letting you down, he may just not be comfortable yet. Good luck!

P.s- your boss is an arse!!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/01/2019 15:53

Not intrusive in the least,and not indeed to cause offence op
Pragmatically she has a partner whom she’s reluctant to,ask to watch her daughter. That’s unusual
So what happens postbirth with 1 baby and dd? Will her reticence justMelt away?
In birth plan there will need to be provision for looking after dd and her routine
Hopefully it will be a straightforward birth but if op in hospital longer will her op assist with dd
Finances and accommodation is something all cohabitees need to consider,I make no apologies for raising this

RomanyRoots · 02/01/2019 15:59

Ha Ha, I bet if you replied to her dad that your bf will take care of your dd, he would become surprisingly free.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 02/01/2019 16:27

So what if it's a bit sooner than you hoped to have him take on some childcare. You're either building a family with this man and need him to step up to the plate, or you don't.

Yabbers · 02/01/2019 17:27

It’s not just childcare though, it’s looking after a poorly child. If someone asked me to look after and child with D&V, I’d refuse, especially if I worked with children,

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2019 17:38

If he's never done intimate care, I don't think now is the right time to start, with a child who has diarrhea.

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