Nursery not comforting my child?

[bigaba]

I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable and overprotective.

My 1+10 month old has been struggling settling into nursery, he will be absolutely hysterical when I drop him off. If anything it's just got worse as time has gone on, especially today after being off over Christmas.
Usually one of the nursery workers will cuddle him until he at least starts to settle. Today when I looked through the window as I left, I saw him hysterical again, his arms up to the nursery worker to pick him up and her just leaving him to cry without any comfort.
(Obviously I cant be sure what happened after this but it just upset me even more and have asked DP to go and collect him this morning so he doesn't have to be there all day).

Why are you sending him if you don't mind me asking? If DP is able to just go and collect him, does he need to go at all?

Hmm nursery drop off time is usually very busy. Are you sure the staff weren't just dealing with something else at the time rather than just ignoring him?

No don't get DH to collect him!
Talk to the manager when you collect him/next time you drop off and explain that you're worried by what you saw.

Try not to worry, a lot of children are upset when left but soon calm down. Give the nursery a quick ring to see how he is?

@FortunesFave DP is still off until Monday (7th) but otherwise full time!

@KitKat1985 I can't be sure of that which is why I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable, but she didn't seem busy and was directly looking at him, and then glanced through the window and looked quite shocked/concerned to see that I'd saw them not comforting him. I stayed back an extra 2 minutes to call my DP so they would've thought I'd have left by then.

@GreatDuckCookery I'm not sure I could keep him there today while I'm at work all day, I'd be on edge all day knowing how hysterical he was! He's only been going a few weeks, bless him.

I'm going to give them a ring at 9am.

That would upset me too and I would speak to the room leader or manager about it.

Could you send him to a child minder instead? (assuming you need the childcare). Not all kids are ready for a big nursery environment at that age. I would be worried too I would want my child comforted but it's difficult to know from just that snapshot, and if lots of children were having difficulty being dropped after after Christmas they may just not have had the time to pick them all up.

@PinkAvocado yeah, I think I'm going to. I wouldn't be so bothered but as he's been so hysterical the whole time, they made a point of telling me every time he's been that one of the nursery workers sits and cuddles him until he calmed down and that massively reassured me, but that clearly didn't happen today.

@CripsSandwiches we briefly tried childminders and he was far worse in a 1-1 environment!

The thing is the longer she comforts him every day the more he will expect it every day. The best thing is a quick cuddle and distracting him into something else. They have a lot of children to look after too. Sometimes this means waiting for him to calm down. There was a boy at my daughters nursery who would be crying every time we got there and sitting on a bench, he'd already had his cuddle and they were keeping a close eye on him. It takes time. My daughter hated going to one nursery and cried the place down at 2. We moved house and she settled into the new nursery instantly. Don't be afraid to talk to them about their policies and if you don't like something move nursery! In the gentlest way possible if you leaving is all cuddles and a big show of saying bye they will continue to get upset each time. But it's SO hard. Definitely talk to them just for peace of mind.

I'm sure she was just quickly doing something then would comfort him, unfortunately you only saw a snapshot.

I agree that childminders were better for both my two at that stage

I understand why you'd want to collect him early OP, I'd just be worried that it's sending him a message that someone will collect him if he's upset. Maybe anyway, he might be too young for that I'm not sure.

Give them a ring and see how he is. Hope he's ok, let us know.

I kind of agree with LongWalk. They're very busy and if one child needs hugging for say an hour...then that's an hour that worker is unable to hands-on help other children.

@LongWalkShortPlank it is so hard, isn't it! It's not getting any easier for me either, I leave feeling so guilty and awful every time. He's moving nurseries when he is 2 anyway to one I'm familiar with and he's loved every time we visited so I'm crossing my fingers that he settles better in that one!

I disagree with some previous posters. I work in childcare and would never leave a child to cry unless they were not wanting cuddles. Some children don't want picking up but this obviously isn't the case here.
Our job is to comfort them and I've often had 2 on my knee and my arm around another until they settle. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes, sometimes over an hour but I don't leave then to cry alone.

I’ve worked in lots of childcare settings and you never leave a child sobbing. If they need cuddling then they need cuddling, they’re babies, it’s how they’re designed.
If you have things to do then you just sit them on your hip and get on with the other stuff.
From an attachment point of view he should be handed over to the same person each day as far as possible who should be working to build a bond with him. I would be very unhappy about this.

She saw you watching? What did she do?

And I don't care how busy they are. If you have a very upset child you comfort them.

I felt guilty too, but thats just because we love them and hate to see them in distress. The thing is sometimes things that are good for them are distressing (nursery acclimatising, vaccination, baths, clipping nails lol). A few weeks is a very little time to settle. Three years down the line both my daughter and that little boy are happy and thriving in year one at school. You're doing what you have to do, and it's the right thing. I think the nursery are probably not being unreasonable, but keep an eye on it, just in case. And you should talk to them and find out how long it takes your little one to settle once you're gone. I bet they're joining in within fifteen minutes of you leaving, but you're worrying all day! How are they at pick up?

Well I'd keep him off the rest of the week as Dad is at home. I know you're paying for it but I still wouldn't send him as he doesn't need to go.

At our nursery teacher would either do a quick cuddle or distract or would just pick up and cart upset child with them and they're all 2/3 so def wouldn't be happy at someone staring at my 1 yo and not comforting him

@Nanny0gg she seemed to turn back and start talking to him but then I walked off and started repetitively calling DP to go and get him!

I've just rang up - she's said he's fine, that he keeps distracting himself and playing and then realising where is and getting all upset over again and that's completely normal - but I can hear him screaming in the background of the phonecall

I've told them DP is coming to get him now for my peace of mind for going back to work today.

My ds cried for 3 weeks straight when he started nursery. And for that 3 weeks he was comforted from the minute he got there. I would be very upset if I saw this too op.

By going to pick him up surely you're making it worse as he knows he can just cry and cry and you'll come back?

He needs to learn to settle otherwise you'll just have this issue no matter which nursery you send him to.

Follow your instincts. My dd hated nursery, I stuck with it for a few weeks, her crying and screaming every day when I dropped her off and often she would still be upset when I collected her. One day I turned up a bit early to pick her up and as I walked up to the door dd was at the door sobbing, everyone else was outside playing and dd was alone, no one was trying to comfort her. I never took her back. A few weeks later she started a different nursery and after a few day she settled in and was fine.

@Lovemusic33 that's an interesting story - I do wonder if it's the nursery. It definitely wasn't my first choice nursery, it was sort of a last choice of okay nurseries with baby wing space for the short term before he moves to our first choice that only accepts over 2's.

Is there any way he can move nurseries sooner?

I work in a nursery and would be very upset by this too