Nursery not comforting my child?

[bigaba]

I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable and overprotective.

My 1+10 month old has been struggling settling into nursery, he will be absolutely hysterical when I drop him off. If anything it's just got worse as time has gone on, especially today after being off over Christmas.
Usually one of the nursery workers will cuddle him until he at least starts to settle. Today when I looked through the window as I left, I saw him hysterical again, his arms up to the nursery worker to pick him up and her just leaving him to cry without any comfort.
(Obviously I cant be sure what happened after this but it just upset me even more and have asked DP to go and collect him this morning so he doesn't have to be there all day).

He needs to learn to settle otherwise you'll just have this issue no matter which nursery you send him to

Not true. Children need to feel secure to be able to settle. He wasn’t being comforted and he won’t have a concept of how long he has been there like an adult would so no harm in collecting if they can.

@Thehop they only accept over 2's and he won't be 2 until March!

That's outrageous. I would be livid if I'd seen my daughter being let to cry and I completely get why you wouldn't want to leave him there all day.
I would speak to them about the fact that he's not settling and ask them what they can do to support him better. Make sure he has a Key Person and that they are trying hard to comfort him and build an attachment.
You are entitled to moan and demand they look after you child. That's what childcare workers go in to the profession for. Saying that they are too busy to cuddle him is ridiculous and untrue, I hate that being an excuse!

@Thesnobbymiddleclassone I feel like he needs to settle at his own pace as he isn't a dependent or shy baby. I don't feel like forcing him to stay there not knowing when anyone is coming back will make it any better, it'll just make him associate it with being upset etc more. If that makes sense. I'd rather take the measures to make him feel secure in any way.

Why has he gone to nursery anyway if your DH is off work until Monday?

@Coppermine DP Studies too so it made sense to give him time to get his work from over Christmas done today. Also, we didn't want to prolong keeping him out of nursery over the Christmas period as the worse he'd be when he gets back.

I disagree with some other posters too. I have spent a few weeks cuddling several children as they settle and on one occasion I had a baby glued to me for most of the first 8 weeks! After this all the children settled well and either had a cuddle every day first thing or ran off without a second glance.

However, it may have been hard to tell what was going on through the window and there are times the children have to be put down (when something else needs seeing too). It may also have been that the nursery nurse had placed him down near to toys in an attempt to distract him.

Copper, presumably because the long Christmas gap is only ever going to exacerbate the problem. My 18m DS loves nursery, but even I am a bit nervous that he will have had three weeks off when he goes in next week

I was in a situation like this. They made a point of comforting him on drop off, telling him everything they would do and being really lovely. One day, I was in the corridor outside and heard her shouting at him to calm down. It was obviously all for show.

I had to go to work and rather than challenge them I changed provider. It took 3 months due to waiting lists. The difference when I changed nurseries was amazing. But I regret and will always regret not turning round and pulling him out that day (I would have lost my job, which is why I didn't).

I spoke to several family friends who work in nurseries. They all talked about comforting children and carrying them round while they settle if needed. Key children are managed so you wouldn't have two very dependent children at once. They settle quicker if not left to cry.

"wheresmyhairytoe Wed 02-Jan-19 08:49:58

I disagree with some previous posters. I work in childcare and would never leave a child to cry unless they were not wanting cuddles. Some children don't want picking up but this obviously isn't the case here.
Our job is to comfort them and I've often had 2 on my knee and my arm around another until they settle. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes, sometimes over an hour but I don't leave then to cry alone."

Totally agree wish there was a like button.

I know extended breaks can make it difficult going back but given the child is changing nurseries again in two months, it seems a lot of upset and effort to go through if someone was at home for just another 3 days. But understand he's studying so childcare is needed.

Speak to them, see what they say.

I think when you can you should drop him later and pick him up earlier, that helped with my GD.

Sympathies, OP. My DS cried when he was dropped off, too, but the nursery staff were very good with him; they would take pictures to show me of him playing happily during the day. There was also a morning where I dropped him off, he cried, and I went to the manager's office to pay the bill (which took about 5 minutes) and when I walked past the room he was in, he was perfectly content and settled with some toys. But it's very hard...

This would upset me too OP

No advice but I am dreading this! I’m so scared to send DD to nursery for this reason. The thought of her sitting there alone would break my heart.

I agree give them a quick call and chat to the manager.

I presume you don't have any family or friends that could help for just the next two months? Just thinking it could take a while to settle him at this nursery , then he's going to get moved again.

What age was your lo when they started with the previous childminder and how long did you stay there before moving to nursery? As Lo is only 11 months now it seems like nothing has been tried for very long. Babies around 8 months tend to go through a clingy stage so it maybe that you started childcare at this time and misread it as meaning she would be better in a bigger environment rather than it taking time to bond with someone new, most babies do better in smaller environments with fewer carers to be passed around to if they are this attached.
No baby should be left to cry distraction doesn't mean the sae as standing letting them cry.

Yes, yes, the nursery is terrible so go pick him up. Is that what you are looking for?

A dozen kids in the room and you’re certain the one you heard crying when you phoned was yours? 🤔

The nursery worker was probably shocked because you were standing there staring at them through the window. The nursery worker might well have been soothing your boy using words, not everything needs to be cuddled out.

You seem determined that this nursery is crap and not at all like the one he can go to in March. You haven’t even bothered talking to the manager about it. I do wonder why people use nurseries then complain the staff doesn’t look after their PFB in exactly the way they would.

Mind you my new nephew goes to a childminders and can get quite hysterical. Although he is teething (and has hard painful poos) he is normally not a cry baby. However he soon bucks up because the child minder has CATS! He loves chasing them. Hopefully the cats are well used to it!

@Coppermine nope- the only other support we have is my DM who works full time.

@jannier 1+10 months. As in almost 2. Not 11 months. He was 19 months at a childminder for a couple of weeks. He didn't settle at all and would cry until he was sick. It didn't sit right for me for him to be in a little mum setting either and with him sociable personality thought he'd do better in a nursery. He's done considerably better in a nursery just not enough at all.

I would give them a call and see how he is. The nursery that my DD goes to also has cousins there, I have seen them balling their eyes out at dropping off time, some days, if we are late then I see DDs cousins all content and playing happily. Usually (although not always) kids really do settle down quickly after drop off. Does your DC bring something like a comfortor with them to nursery? It might help

@Yabbers would you not know the sound of your child crying compared to other children? I think I can tell thank you!

And I wasn't staring through the window, you have to walk past big windows to leave the car park area, I just was looking in? Should I keep my head down?

Absolutely disagree with everything Yabbers said. Of course you’re going to be critical of the people caring for your 10 month old baby!

This is really distressing. I would pull my child out of the nursery if I saw this. Trust your gut.

If he’s not settling it’s the wrong place. I’m a sahm and decided to send my 7th child to nursery at 3 (nearly 4) for the last year before school. He didn’t settle - stuck it out for 2 terms and then pulled him out. Didn’t enrole him anywhere else. Fast forward and he settled no problem at all in school - full days! So go with your instinct.