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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

66 replies

ENLLIW · 01/01/2019 23:57

Need other people's perspective if am in the wrong with when what happened at Nye party.

Sorry it's long, can't sleep as I'm so confused.

So have a small group of my partners friends coming over for nye. They will be staying for a few days as they live far away. I met my partner through these friends, have been together about 3 years moved in about a year ago. He has 2 ds, 17 and 14 both will also be at the nye party.

Eldest son text my partner about his mum, partners ex coming to the party. Obviously she knows the friends from when they were together. He mentions it to me and I say, I'm not going to say no but would be uncomfortable with her being there. In the past when I have socialised with her before she just talks about when her and my dp were together, generally making me feel pushed out so I really didn't want her at the party. She also had boundary issues when I first moved into dp house, for instance she had her own key so would let herself in. So dp text back his ds changing the subject nothing more was said so thought she wasn't coming.

So fast forward to nye, doesn't start well. My dog escapes and runs off because she was scared by the fireworks this is 5 pm. Spend the next hour looking for her thinking she has been run over and is dying somewhere. Amazingly a friend finds her so get her back safe and sound. So I'm pretty emotional after that ordeal combined with both my parents dying round Christmas time, I find this time of year hard. I hit the vino hard!!

So round comes 9pm, yep you guessed it the ex with her partner in tow, no knock just walks straight in. I'm speechless and ashamed to say I lost it. Started packing my stuff to leave the house. Turns out she had text my dp to say she would pop in to see her ds and his friends, but he hadn't bothered to tell me, this pop in turns out to be stay till 2am.... 5 hours for a pop in!!!

Now I'm being roasted by both of them, my dp saying I over reacted, her saying I'm being childish.

My point is he should have told me so I wasn't put in thst position. If he had we could have arranged for her to come over earlier to see ds but not gate crash the party. She needs to learn where the boundaries are.

Should I be apologising???

OP posts:

Bobbiepin · 02/01/2019 00:00

YABU, packing your stuff and storming out is incredibly childish. Yes she should have knocked but you knew there was a possibility of her being there and if it made you that uncomfortable you should have told DP that you didn't want her there.

You only needed to step outside for a moment, take some deep breaths and chill the fuck out. You owe people some apologies, not least the friends staying with you. How awkward for them?!

User758172 · 02/01/2019 00:01

Yes. I think it was an overreaction on your part.

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 02/01/2019 00:02

I blame your partner. He’s completely failing to appreciate your feelings and his ex seems more than happy to push boundaries unchecked.

Speak to him about having one of your ex’s waltz in talking to everyone about “the good all days” when you were with them. Check how he’d feel about that!

Original poster

ENLLIW · 02/01/2019 00:02

I did say to dp that I didn't want her there.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 02/01/2019 00:04

I don’t think Yabu in the way you are feeling.
I’d be pretty pissed of too.
I wouldn’t have reacted that way however but now you have I would make it clear she is not welcome in your home unless you have been asked first and when she does come she needs to knock and wait.
If you are in this relationship for the long term, you need to set boundaries but just be careful. You will need to deal with her occasionally.
Also if she had a new partner why would she discuss her previous love life?

CrispbuttyNo1 · 02/01/2019 00:05

I think you overreacted but I can understand why you were pissed off.

Kisskiss · 02/01/2019 00:05

I think your dp created this mess. He knew you didn’t want her there, he knew she was coming but he didn’t do anything to prevent it or give you any warning. Not fair when it’s your home /party as well .

Your reaction does sound a little over the top, maybe say you regret that part of it, I’m guessing the ex assumed your dp had told you she was coming and that you were ok when th it.. BUT your dp really needs to respect you as well wrt the ex..

RagingWhoreBag · 02/01/2019 00:06

I totally understand where you’re coming from re the ex and boundaries - my DP’s ex is the same and we’ve had no end of rows about it.

But yes, making a big scene and packing your bags was probably a step too far.

I’d have politely seethed and then had words when she’d gone but I know that would still have resulted in a shit NYE for me so I can see why you blew up instead!

Don’t know how you deal with situations like this when they don’t see anything wrong with the lack of boundaries - it’s certainly a work in progress in my case, but I suspect the answer is detach, detach, detach.

loubluee · 02/01/2019 00:07

You over reacting. She’s the mother of his children. They are over. You are with him, she not.

RagingWhoreBag · 02/01/2019 00:08

And if you want to hear a fun example of over stepping boundaries - on their DD’s birthday his ex reminisced about how quickly he “knocked her up” as apparently he has super sperm. Yes, you read that right, she talked about his sperm in front of me and his family. Think yourself lucky

MiddleClassProblem · 02/01/2019 00:11

I think you sound like quite a sensitive person and given the time of year being difficult for you you DP should have been prepared to tell you and make it easier or he should have said a direct no in the first place.

However, I do think YABU with you reaction and think you would benefit from getting some coping tools in place with dealing with having her around. Whilst you are super sensitive, it can’t always be someone else’s responsibility to handle you with kid gloves to avoid such a reaction. You should take ownership of how you respond, acknowledge it was OTT and not actually necessary as all she had done is turn up at that point, and as I said before, acquire some tools to help you stay level headed.

PrettyLovely1 · 02/01/2019 00:12

Why are you with him?
He clearly doesnt care how you feel.
He has no boundries when it comes to him and his ex.
He keeps things from you.
Move on and find someone else.

notangelinajolie · 02/01/2019 00:13

Yes you overreacted. If it's any consolation I would have probably done the same.

Dilligaf81 · 02/01/2019 00:14

You DP and Ex were BVU you weren't. You said you didn't want her there for very valid reasons however your partner decide to agree to her coming and just not let you know.
Your reaction was one of emotion and anger and I think quite tame. I would have gone batshit at my feelings being so unimportant to him.
Plus if she has a new partner why is she not being more reasonable?

Pachyderm1 · 02/01/2019 00:16

I think you overreacted but I understand why you were upset

Original poster

ENLLIW · 02/01/2019 00:16

He is not a new partner, she left dp for this other man!

OP posts:

trojanpony · 02/01/2019 00:16

Yanbu in your feelings but this Started packing my stuff to leave the house. is an OTT reaction and unnecessary drama.

You could have just spoken to your DH and said WTF? She needs to leave. Now.

cariadlet · 02/01/2019 00:19

YNBU for how you felt: you were stressed after losing your dog, it's a difficult time of year for you, your dp hadn't let you know that his ex was coming and you'd been drinking which would have heightened your emotions.

YWBU for how you behaved: she had texted to say she was coming, she brought her partner with her (so not really a threat to the relationship between you and your dp) and I don't think that coming in without knocking was a big deal when it was a party to which she thought she had been invited. Packing your bag and threatening to walk out was extremely childish. I'm surprised that now you've had time to sober up and to think things over you're not embarrassed by how you reacted.

Original poster

ENLLIW · 02/01/2019 00:20

Thanks for your responses, I know I over reacted bit embarrassed about it now, there is more too it than what i have written but that would be soooooo long. Think it was the straw that broke the camels back combined with too much vino!

OP posts:

Ribbonsonabox · 02/01/2019 00:24

You did overreact a bit but I think you are right that he should have talked to you about her coming first... he was very disrespectful not to, I'd be really cross about that actually

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/01/2019 00:25

I feel sorry for the kids in this. She sounds like a pain in the ass but it's your dp you need to deal with - privately and not in front of the kids.

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 02/01/2019 00:37

Yes you are.

Apologise.

DeepanKrispanEven · 02/01/2019 00:37

Well, you did tell him you weren't going to say no. You will have to make sure that you say No in future.

springydaff · 02/01/2019 00:40

I think your overreaction was entirely due to the vino. I doubt very much you'd have gone into full meltdown if you weren't a bit/lot pissed. Booze can turn us into monsters.

Try not to be too embarrassed. She had it coming to her tbf. And wtf is going on that he didn't tell you? Sounds like he's still linked to her in some way... Sorry.

Sounds like she thinks she can come and go as she pleases. No she can't. Perhaps it's time you let her have it. Perhaps on the back of last night you can spell it out clear and plain: YOU come first, not her. Not a pleading discussion but a statement: you will NOT be disregarded in this way again.

DeaflySilence · 02/01/2019 00:47

"I hit the vino hard!!"

Is getting drunk (in the early half of the evening) the way you normally deal with emotion, and would your DP's children (teenagers) and your own if you have them, normally witness this?

If so, I think you do have a problem and I think your DPs ex wife is probably little to do with it.

If not, and this was an unusual occurrence, I think you should apologise to the people affected by your behavior at the party and chalk it up to experience.

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