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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

66 replies

ENLLIW · 01/01/2019 23:57

Need other people's perspective if am in the wrong with when what happened at Nye party.

Sorry it's long, can't sleep as I'm so confused.

So have a small group of my partners friends coming over for nye. They will be staying for a few days as they live far away. I met my partner through these friends, have been together about 3 years moved in about a year ago. He has 2 ds, 17 and 14 both will also be at the nye party.

Eldest son text my partner about his mum, partners ex coming to the party. Obviously she knows the friends from when they were together. He mentions it to me and I say, I'm not going to say no but would be uncomfortable with her being there. In the past when I have socialised with her before she just talks about when her and my dp were together, generally making me feel pushed out so I really didn't want her at the party. She also had boundary issues when I first moved into dp house, for instance she had her own key so would let herself in. So dp text back his ds changing the subject nothing more was said so thought she wasn't coming.

So fast forward to nye, doesn't start well. My dog escapes and runs off because she was scared by the fireworks this is 5 pm. Spend the next hour looking for her thinking she has been run over and is dying somewhere. Amazingly a friend finds her so get her back safe and sound. So I'm pretty emotional after that ordeal combined with both my parents dying round Christmas time, I find this time of year hard. I hit the vino hard!!

So round comes 9pm, yep you guessed it the ex with her partner in tow, no knock just walks straight in. I'm speechless and ashamed to say I lost it. Started packing my stuff to leave the house. Turns out she had text my dp to say she would pop in to see her ds and his friends, but he hadn't bothered to tell me, this pop in turns out to be stay till 2am.... 5 hours for a pop in!!!

Now I'm being roasted by both of them, my dp saying I over reacted, her saying I'm being childish.

My point is he should have told me so I wasn't put in thst position. If he had we could have arranged for her to come over earlier to see ds but not gate crash the party. She needs to learn where the boundaries are.

Should I be apologising???

OP posts:

PolkaDoting · 02/01/2019 01:49

I can totally see why the DC thought their mother was still invited.

Banana1979 · 02/01/2019 01:50

She left him for this other man and she arrived with this other man- her partner. So whats the problem? I think the issue here is because she left him you feel he may still want her. I bet if he left her you wouldn't feel this way
HOWEVER..I agree with you in that why the hell does she have to come to your party? Your partners kids are teenagers verging on adulthood not toddlers
He doesnt even have to deal with her much as i said his kids are grown and its odd that her coming to your party was even a suggestion
I suggest to save face apologise to her mention you weren't feeling great as you missed your parents and festivities left you feeling overwhelmed however make it clear to your partner that you dont want to see her again, she has boundary issues and you have a right not to be forced to be around her and its not because shes his ex but because you don't like her as a person and that you are perplexed she was even invited. As i said their kids are grown now

Banana1979 · 02/01/2019 01:52

Its your party not the friends party and she didn't have 2 be there just cos she knows them. They can throw their own party 4 her

BikingBeatrix · 02/01/2019 02:00

I’m guessingyou livein the house that they shared with their children when they were together ? If so that’s part of the boundaries problem as she continues to use her key. Otherwise why does she have a key? Regardless of whether it’s the old family home, she doesn’t need the key. Your dp needs to see that and deal with it. Her letting herself in has to stop. Her boundaries are all wrong.

It’s possible your reaction was a bit OTT but I see why were you were/are upset. It’s a horrid situation (ages ago I was in a similar set-up) and your partner has to understand this and deal with it differently. But behaving ‚badly‘ and getting upset is par for the course at NY and most people there are bound to have seen much much worse.

ChangoMutney · 02/01/2019 02:01

Hold on what was the timing of this? Did you do the packing thing as soon as she arrived, so she knew you weren’t happy but still stayed for hours? If she did I’d say she enjoyed the affect she was having.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 02/01/2019 02:16

I don’t blame you for reacting the way you did OP.

It sounds like your DP’s ex has been pushing boundaries and causing issues in your relationship for a long time. With everything going on; friends staying, organising the house for a party, almost losing your dog and most of all this time of year being tied to awful memories, it’s totally understandable that your DP’s ex just swanning into your home, when you are not expecting it would trigger an emotional response.

You are entitled to feel the way you feel. Your DP messed up big time in not pre warning you, this is ON him! Not you! (Although I would apologise to your guests as it must have made things uncomfortable for them!) I bet he knew that you would not be happy, at his ex attending your New Years party! I bet it was just easier to not tell you, then he didn’t have to say no to his ex! It sounds like he doesn’t like saying no to her! The very fact that she turned up with the man that she left him for proves that! She clearly walks all over your dp and this would drive me crazy! I could not watch whilst an ex disrespected my partner and walked all over him, treating him like a possession and something she still has control over. I’m not surprised that this has caused issues in your relationship!

BumbleBeee69 · 02/01/2019 02:21

I don’t think you over reacted at all OP, your DP does not give two shits about you or your feelings though, that is what stands out to me.

Rachelle3211 · 02/01/2019 12:50

If you didn't say no why wouldn't she come? Sounds like she's moved on with her new dp, and your dp is ok being around them even though she cheated. I guess I'm confused as to why this upsets you more than him? I think it's nice his kids get to hang out with both their parents at New Years.
Yes, I think YWBU. Next time just say no. If you melted down in front of everyone I would apologize to his kids as well.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/01/2019 12:57

I don't think YABU to not want her there.

But the packing and storming was a bit of a daft thing to do, especially as you had nowhere to storm to

I'd put it down to the wine, apologise for your reaction, and have a sober discussion with DP about his ex, who sounds a nightmare btw

BikingBeatrix · 02/01/2019 17:07

I was also thinking maybe he just forgot to tell you. It might not have been a deliberate ommision. Nonetheless he does need to make changes in the way he engages with his ex.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 02/01/2019 17:12

I'm not going to say no but would be uncomfortable with her being there.

Sorry, I think he (conveniently) stopped listening at "I'm not going to say no".

elvis86 · 02/01/2019 17:38

Another vote for YABU I'm afraid.

It sounds like your partner and his ex are managing to be civil for the sake of their kids, which is refreshing and must be lovely for the kids. It would be a shame if you had to spoil it (especially as you weren't involved in the break up and really have the least reason to cause trouble). It likely won't end well for you if, for the sake of his kids, your partner is able to get over his ex leaving him for her new partner. What makes you think he'll allow you to mess things up for his kids?

That's not to minimise if his ex is overstepping boundaries, but if you'd really be ok with her continued presence in your lives but for that (I wonder whether you would really, or whether you're actually very insecure and threatened as others have suggested?), have you actually tried telling her how you feel?

Explain that you're pleased that things are civil for the kids' sake and you're keen that this should continue, but that her letting herself in and talking at length about the past makes you feel uncomfortable? Perhaps at the same time as you apologise for NYE?

Of course she could be a total bitch, but it sounds like everyone else (including her) is trying to be reasonable and make it work, so perhaps she'd be receptive?

michwright · 02/01/2019 18:52

You had alotto drink, and your partner's ex walks into your home at your Nye party, I think your reaction was completely acceptable considering you were intoxicated !
Had you been sober maybe you could have handled it a different way.

FloydWasACat · 02/01/2019 19:14

OP you did react in the wrong way, but I completely understand why you did. It's embarrassing for you the next day but they were both disrespectful of the whole situation. As a PP put earlier, chalk it up to experience and see past it xx

FloydWasACat · 02/01/2019 19:15

PS. Happy New year, please don't let this blight 2019 for you xx

FloydWasACat · 02/01/2019 19:16

passed it ffs!

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