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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

66 replies

ENLLIW · 01/01/2019 23:57

Need other people's perspective if am in the wrong with when what happened at Nye party.

Sorry it's long, can't sleep as I'm so confused.

So have a small group of my partners friends coming over for nye. They will be staying for a few days as they live far away. I met my partner through these friends, have been together about 3 years moved in about a year ago. He has 2 ds, 17 and 14 both will also be at the nye party.

Eldest son text my partner about his mum, partners ex coming to the party. Obviously she knows the friends from when they were together. He mentions it to me and I say, I'm not going to say no but would be uncomfortable with her being there. In the past when I have socialised with her before she just talks about when her and my dp were together, generally making me feel pushed out so I really didn't want her at the party. She also had boundary issues when I first moved into dp house, for instance she had her own key so would let herself in. So dp text back his ds changing the subject nothing more was said so thought she wasn't coming.

So fast forward to nye, doesn't start well. My dog escapes and runs off because she was scared by the fireworks this is 5 pm. Spend the next hour looking for her thinking she has been run over and is dying somewhere. Amazingly a friend finds her so get her back safe and sound. So I'm pretty emotional after that ordeal combined with both my parents dying round Christmas time, I find this time of year hard. I hit the vino hard!!

So round comes 9pm, yep you guessed it the ex with her partner in tow, no knock just walks straight in. I'm speechless and ashamed to say I lost it. Started packing my stuff to leave the house. Turns out she had text my dp to say she would pop in to see her ds and his friends, but he hadn't bothered to tell me, this pop in turns out to be stay till 2am.... 5 hours for a pop in!!!

Now I'm being roasted by both of them, my dp saying I over reacted, her saying I'm being childish.

My point is he should have told me so I wasn't put in thst position. If he had we could have arranged for her to come over earlier to see ds but not gate crash the party. She needs to learn where the boundaries are.

Should I be apologising???

OP posts:
BackforGood · 02/01/2019 00:48

I agree with everyone else.
YANBU to be cross with your partner for not letting you know, but you completely over reacted and no doubt made everyone else at the party very uncomfortable.

YellowOcelot · 02/01/2019 00:48

I think I understand, I've been in your position. I don't blame you one bit, this stuff is hard! Talk to your partner, make sure he knows exactly how you feel. Communication is key here. Disengage from the ex, her opinion of you is neither here nor there.

Rachie1973 · 02/01/2019 00:51

You said you wouldn’t say ‘no’. Then reacted in a completely childish manner.

Gina2012 · 02/01/2019 00:51

He mentions it to me and I say, I'm not going to say no but would be uncomfortable with her being there

Next time learn to say no.

Clearly

Stop giving passive aggressive mixed messages

YABU

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/01/2019 00:51

YANBU.

Who is looking out for you, who is mindful of how you feel and what you want?

Was your partner sensitive, knowing that you lost your parents at this time of year? Did anyone give a fuck that you’d had a massive scare with your dog (and dogs are members of the family in their own way)?

Your partner was thoughtless and the lack of boundaries with his ex is appalling. It’s like they are still a force in some way.

I don’t blame you for reacting to it.

EyeDrops · 02/01/2019 00:53

Well, you did tell him you weren't going to say no. You will have to make sure that you say No in future.

^^ This!! I think it would have been reasonable to assume that her coming remained a likely possibility - really both you and DP should have thought to clarify before the party.

I understand your discomfort and upset, but you should have said a clear no if that was what you meant.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2019 00:55

ENLLIW I feel very sorry for your situation. You did overreact but sadly I think that that probably just made you look bad, and that was not fair! The ex should have been told to come round over and see the kids. Your dp should have told you the situation.

Yes, I think you have probably embarrassed him but I think he deserves it and maybe now people will take your feelings into consideration a bit more!

Are you going back to him/staying with him?

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2019 00:56

come round early...

Coolaschmoola · 02/01/2019 00:57

OMG how embarrassing!

If you mean no, SAY no.

What you actually said was, "I'm not going to say no." Which was clearly interpreted as "Ok ish."

He probably thought because you'd discussed it and you said the above it was sorted.

You sound very insecure. She left him for another man, so she's obviously not interested. She brought the msn she had an affair with, and your DP was ok with that, and was civil, but the only person not involved in what sounds like a train wreck of a break up goes postal, packs bags and causes a huge scene.

It sounds like they are all able to behave like adults for the sake of good co-parenting, whilst you are screeching.

Not good. Apologise. To everyone. Then decide if you can deal with his ex always being a feature.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 02/01/2019 00:58

Started packing my stuff to leave the house
I take so long to pack, I would have sobered up by the time I'd finished

Doobee · 02/01/2019 00:59

Why are you with him? Seriously. I’d never get with a guy with kids and an ex as I wouldn’t want all the hassle. Don’t you want an easier life than this? Find yourself somebody without a tricky ex?

Original poster
ENLLIW · 02/01/2019 01:00

I did a 300 mile relocate to be with him, I really want it to work. It is good to get other people's perspective that aren't involved in the situation.

OP posts:
Coolaschmoola · 02/01/2019 01:00

And yes, you were childish.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/01/2019 01:01

Did you start to pack up and leave then decide to stay? What did the friends you had staying think?

ReaganSomerset · 02/01/2019 01:04

Well, alcohol intoxication can be used as a mitigating factor in many criminal trials, so I daresay you can use it here. Don't worry, OP. Chalk it up to experience. Smile

Original poster
ENLLIW · 02/01/2019 01:08

They have had much bigger dramas at parties than this. One didn't notice till he was told this morning!!

OP posts:
ToeToToe · 02/01/2019 01:09

It's a difficult one, OP. I don't particularly blame you for not wanting the ex there - but "I'm not going to say No, but..." - all your partner heard was "Not No". Work on communication - and if you don't want the ex there, I think you need to say so explicitly. "Are you having a fucking laugh? No way!" would work.

Apart from that, hitting the vino hard, and then acting a bit over-emotional can happen to the best of us.

How are you being roasted by both of them? Because she should not be roasting you at all - it was at your home, your party, and she was BVVVU just walking into the home you share with your DP. Your DP really needs to back you up on this one - he can't take his ex-wife's side and allow a wedge to be driven between the two of you. He needs to tell her not to just walk into the house.

So no, don't apologise. He needs to apologise to you, for not saying she'd be "popping in" - because at least if you'd expected her, you probably wouldn't have reacted that way.

Original poster
ENLLIW · 02/01/2019 01:10

Couldn't go any where as I was too drunk to drive and I don't know anyone else who lives here.

OP posts:
MissLanesAmericanCousin · 02/01/2019 01:12

I'm so sorry Op, I can tell that your upset and I thoroughly understand that. However, I think the best way to handle this kind of situation is to act civil, and don't feel threatened if you are. I remember the first time I met my DH's EX girlfriend. She wanted him back after he let her go. The first time I had to meet her I greeted her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. This SHOCKED her. Then and there she knew that there was no way that I would feel threatened by her. You have to take your power back OP.

Yulebealrite · 02/01/2019 01:22

Yes you probably should apologise as you overreacted, however given the way you reacted they were bloody minded to stay for 5 hours. That was unreasonable too.

springydaff · 02/01/2019 01:23

ooh that makes me feel very uncomfortable that you moved 300 miles to be with him and you really want it to work. That just isn't a good premise for a relationship.

He disregarded you last night. It's not on what he did, it really isn't. She's a silly cow but he's the villain here. Maybe he was squiffy himself - and you also weren't clear (was that because you don't want to rock the boat because you 'want the relationship to work'? ie on your best behaviour? That's just no premise for a relationship) but, even so, there is no excuse for letting her come and not telling you. It sounds like he thought he could sneak her in and you'd get over it...

Also she stayed 5 hours when you were freaking out and packing? Wtaf?? Disrespectful cow. And he let her stay, doing nothing about it?

He's your problem.

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/01/2019 01:28

Events at other people's houses, yes, expect her to be there. Events at YOUR house, she needs to learn it is inappropriate to attend no matter whether the old gang are there or not (she could arrange to see them the day after), she needs to be told clearly where her boundaries are and you need to learn to be clear about saying no.
You know you over reacted due to booze but that said, how very dare her to try and justify her disregard for your feelings.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2019 01:42

Are you and your dp talking now? It sounds like you both need to work some stuff out around the ex.

Drinking around New Year's Eve is pretty normal, but you know it didn't help her.

I would just say I bet the ex got a kick out of your overreacting so next time be super cool. She left him, you got him, if he is worth having make it work and good luck for the New Year.

Thanks
Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2019 01:42

it didn't help you... !! sorry

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2019 01:45

PS I am glad the dog was OK.

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