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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a back seat driver

88 replies

LollipopCakeThing · 01/01/2019 22:16

Currently in the car with DH and the DCs on a long journey - DH is fuming because of my back seat driving.

He is annoyed because I keep telling him how to drive. He keeps going about 10mph over the speed limit we are meant to go when there is a roofbox on the car so I keep reminding him to slow down. He slows down but forgets a short time later and the speed creeps up.

Also, he sometimes drives too close to the car in front - not right on top of it but I feel it would be safer to be further back.

DH likes driving and I don’t want to as i need to go to the opticians and get better glasses - I can’t see well enough in the dark to drive.

I feel i have a right to speak up if we are at a risk of crashing but he thinks i should be quiet.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 02/01/2019 07:15

They brake far too late and that is probably why they've had 3 rear end shunts in about 5 years, all caused by them.

They don’t sound great but rear ended shunts are caused by the car behind going too fast, being too close or the driver not paying attention. It’s the only type of accident where by default it is the rear drivers fault in terms of insurance. So no, they weren’t caused by your friend braking too late - if she had applied the brakes too late, she would have hit the obstacle ahead of her.

Shoxfordian · 02/01/2019 07:19

I'd be telling you to walk as well

tillytrotter1 · 02/01/2019 07:25

I'd be dropping you off at the next services unless you shut the fuck up

I wouldn't wait that long, out on the hard shoulder!

My OH is a back seat driver, wherever he's sitting. He will openly admit that I'm a far better driver than he is, eg going round bends he will drop gears just before it stalls but yesterday he couldn't pick his phone up off the floor because he wouldn't take his eyes off the road when I was driving!
If you can't or won't drive you are in no position to criticise those who do, either put up or shut up!

PawPawNoodle · 02/01/2019 07:25

Is he breaking the law by speeding or did the leaflet recommend a specific speed and he is just going over that?

If it's the latter then YABU. YABU regarding your perception of distance from the car in front, which will never be accurate given you aren't in the driving seat.

explodingkitten · 02/01/2019 07:33

If you have a problem with the way your DH drives then you should sort out your own issues and drive yourself.

I took lessons for a year to pass my test just for this reason (my DH drives well but has medical issues making him feel faint sometimes, which is when I drive).

Toddlerteaplease · 02/01/2019 07:34

I was driving my dad around the other day. Omg I wanted to kill him. My mum was in the back thinking it was hilarious as she drives him nuts with her back seat driving. (She's no trouble as a passenger in my car)

MitziK · 02/01/2019 07:36

I've insisted upon being let out of a car and then caught a train and two buses home, rather than stay in a vehicle being driven by an utter moron. At no point did I actually say a word to him about his driving, though, as the moments-away-from-becoming-my-ex was already driving more dickishly than usual because I'd stiffened in my seat when he tailgated one driver and then overtaken a lorry on a blind bend at 65. Commenting upon his driving would have inflamed the situation and made him even worse a driver than he was already being.

Your best bet is to order some new glasses online and never, ever, get into the car with him driving again 'No, it's fine, I'll drive'. Won't stop him driving aggressively/too close/too fast - but you won't be in the car with him.

eurochick · 02/01/2019 07:39

I would also be turfing you out of the car at the next opportunity. In fact I have once. An ex indicated for me when I was driving. I stopped the car and told him to piss off.

Aragog · 02/01/2019 07:50

If you don't trust him then don't get in the car when he is driving. Or you go to the opticians and get your glasses and you drive. You can normally get a same day opticians appointment and get glasses within a few days.

You don't just sit their criticising someone. It's annoying at best.

I wouldn't be driving with someone constantly criticising me. Get out and walk or get a taxi/public transport.

Sonneedshelp · 02/01/2019 07:57

You're not driving because you need new glasses? How irresponsible to not have done this sooner, I suggest you make this priority now!!

Making your OH fuming with inane comments about his driving when you are so inept that you can't have correct glasses available in unreasonable.

Get a taxi until you can drive yourself!

Ohheyyy · 02/01/2019 07:58

Having a back seat driver is so distracting so I'd boot you out the car.

KillerSpider · 02/01/2019 08:01

Either he isn’t a safe driver and you shouldn’t let your children get in the car or you stay quiet

redcarbluecar · 02/01/2019 08:11

I think if you’re the passenger and the driver is speeding/tailgating so that you feel unsafe, you have a right to say something. I can see how annoying it would be, though, to have someone constantly scrutinising and commenting on your driving e.g. watching the speedo all the time. Perhaps it’s worth a conversation at home later where you try to explain your concern. If that gets nowhere and you still genuinely feel unsafe, look for an alternative mode of transport.

To everyone questioning how the OP can see to back seat drive if she can’t see to actually drive - she’s only said her glasses don’t allow her to drive at night. It’s clearly still possible to read the speedo and notice the proximity of the car in front, which are the only two issues mentioned.

letsgomaths · 02/01/2019 08:14

I've been known to offer a sleeping mask to my back-seat driving DH, keeping one in the car for this purpose. I used to be a driving instructor, so I tend to drive by the book more than most; e.g. not speeding up until after passing the sign for a higher speed limit; I've often been overtaken in these circumstances, and once, very memorably I was observing the 20mph speed limit in London, and driving in a bus lane as it was allowed at that time; I was overtaken by a bus.

It's funny how driving is sometimes the one thing nobody likes to hear criticism about; instructors often used to joke that men would happily hear insults about their wives, kids, clothes, house, job... but any insults of their cars or driving was a huge no-no!

donquixotedelamancha · 02/01/2019 08:31

I feel i have a right to speak up if we are at a risk of crashing

You describe his speed creeping up- sometimes 10 mph over the limit and being a bit close but 'not right on top' of the car in front. That doesn't sound incredibly dangerous.

Bottom line: he asked you to stop bothering him while driving and you wouldn't; that's pretty disrespectful.

Get some glasses and drive him around from now on.

Firesuit · 02/01/2019 09:14

If the criticisms are going 10mph over the speed limit and slightly to close to the car in front, I think the real problem is not that he is being dangerous, but your anxiety about not being in control.

I'm almost never in a car I'm not driving, and it freaks me out a little to be driven by others.

DW was fine being driven by me for many years, even told her family what a good driver I was, then she took a few driving lessons, and ever since she can't help offering advice, which is almost never justified. It seems even slight exposure to a driver role gave her anxiety about how she would cope, and that comes out as back-seat-driving, even in situations where absolutely nothing remarkable is happening.

Firesuit · 02/01/2019 09:18

Why should I just be quiet if I’m afraid he might crash and injure me and the children

From you own description is sounds more like you have unreasonable anxiety than that he is driving like a maniac.

MummySharkDoDo · 02/01/2019 09:21

Well I disagree with the majority, both dh and I remind each other about speed. It’s easy to creep over and we have bad habits/ roads here have had reduced speed limits. We don’t want tickets and never of us our precious.
If anything my dh encourages reminders, it’s so easy to drift off mentally when driving and extra eyes never hurt. We’ve honestly never argued about this and do to each other.

The only people I’d drop by the A’s of the road are:

  • those who randomly stomp imaginary brakes in the passenger foot well and make me jump (mum!) for things I saw 50m back and have already adjusted for.
  • those who stick their head forward and tell you when it clear to go, I’ll fuckin decide, I’m driving
-anybody who does the gasp/ jumping thing randomly noticing things well out of harms way due to their poor judgement, but who freak you out each time as you think there must be a sudden hazard
Firesuit · 02/01/2019 09:23

As someone pointed out, speedometers aren't accurate, If it's reading 10mph over some limit, in reality he's probably only 5 over. And it's very, very unlikely that whatever limit you have in mind is the best safe target speed in the first place, so worrying about the safety (as opposed to legality) of exceeding a limit by a small amount is a bit silly.

LittleLannister · 02/01/2019 09:23

I can’t stand back seat drivers, my MIL has only ever tried that once with me and it found her dropped to the nearest bus stop to find her own way to where we were heading, I also refused to have her in my car for the return journey.

Did it not occur to you that you nagging him, because that’s what it is, is more likely to make him lose concentration and cause the accident that you nag him to avoid having?!

It’s his licence, I’d he speeds, he gets the points/fine/ban, not you

sheldonstwin · 02/01/2019 09:26

No words for of comfort for you OP but just to let you know that I'm also a back seat driver. Mine is definitely derived from anxiety and I try not to do it but I can't help it. :(

Birdsgottafly · 02/01/2019 09:28

Both my Son-In-Laws drive too fast and too close to other cars. I won't get in the car with either of them.

To the pp who described how their friend had caused rear shunts, I know exactly what you mean. However it's exasperated by the rear driver, again driving too fast and too close.

I'd say that the majority of accidents aren't accidents and I kniw a few people who've never fully recovered from 'minor' bumps. They are Nurses etc and are still getting physiotherapy and have had to go on reduced duties/hours.

OP, start refusing to go into the car. No-one should be putting themselves at risk.

In no other situation would MNers say its OK for your Partner to do something that could physically harm you and your children. Or even make you anxious/break the law.

Firesuit · 02/01/2019 09:28

Having said all that, does the car not have cruise control? If it does, maybe he should get into the habit of using it as much as possible, so this becomes less of an issue. And make sure the next car had adaptive cruise control, then you can use cruise control nearly all the time. (Country roads are the exception, as the safe/sensible speed varies from one second to the next, and these are the only roads where safe speed is frequently less than the speed limit.)

ChrisjenAvasarala · 02/01/2019 09:33

This isn't "back seat driving".
You're not sitting there commenting on everything or going on about you would do better or watch the kerb or all of that.

He is driving dangerously. You're telling him to slow down. When you are in a car with someone who is speeding and you feel unsafe then you MUST immediately speak up. There was a TV advert campaign a few years ago telling you to do exactly that.

All these people saying they'd kick you out the car.... They are the problem. If they are speeding and tailgating and you told them to stop and they kicked you out, then they are the problem because they can't recognise that their driving is frightening their passenger and would rather kick them out to continue speeding rather than follow the law.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 02/01/2019 09:36

@LittleLannister

And if he crashes or the roof box becomes unstable and causes a crashes, it could be the OP and her children and all other road users who suffer from his actions.

When someone is breaking the law And the also the safety regulations for a piece of equipment and you're in the danger zone then you speak up. You don't sit quietly just because "it's their license".

The man is being an idiot and putting lives at risk.