To find MIL's inconsistent views on 'education' irritating?

[SarahAndQuack]

Since my DD was tiny (she's now 21 months), MIL has been very insistent that she will 'make DD clever' by buying her 'educational' toys. Things like a toy dog that chants ABC at you, or Disney books. Not what I would buy, but it's harmless. She'll always assume these toys will be the first and only way of teaching DD anything, so she'll say things like 'Now DD can start learning to count!' or 'Now DD can start learning her ABCs'. I admit, I find this irritating in itself, both because she's assuming I don't do anything to teach DD anything, and because of the emphasis on rote learning, which gets on my nerves. MIL is especially adamant that a child must rote-learn the alphabet and that 'all this phonics' is nonsense.

What bugs me especially, though, is that this emphasis on making DD 'clever' goes alongside a constant stream of digs at me. I'm an academic in English; I used to work a lot on psychology of reading, so I know a fair bit about phonics and so on. MIL repeatedly asks me if I've not considered doing a different, more family-friendly job, or has a go at me for using 'long words the baby won't understand'. She's on my facebook (a mistake, but too late!), as I'm good friends with several colleagues, she sees me having work-related discussions there and will then refer to 'all these long fancy words no one understands'.

I have tried to say, very casually, that it's just jargon that you get in any line of work and not to bother about it. But clearly, it bothers her, and to me the implication is that I'm too educated (or, somehow, it's only ok to be educated if you never show it). Yet she never shuts up about how she intends to educate my DD.

What do you think? AIBU?

I'm guessing she doesn't have a postgraduate education herself and finds your conversations with colleagues online make her feel inadequate.

You have two options.

1. Smile and nod about DD with the toys, ignoring the phonics points
2. Push back about the long words and say things like it being the benefit of a fantastic education, and you hope your DDs toys help her follow suit....

Her views seem very conflicted and she sounds incredibly annoying. Do you think she regrets her own educational (missed?) opportunities or perceived lack of "cleverness" - or recognition for the same? Have you tried talking to her about her experiences. This will definitely be about her, not you or your dd.

yes, it can be intimidating for people, to the point of getting aggressive, I have experienced this, too, thankfully not with family, it is hard, but yes, maybe try a non-confronyationl approach, trying to make her feel you are on the same side and she is supporting your DD, a little white lie won't hurt if it helps family relations!

Just make sure her attitude does not rub onto DD though!

You know you can adjust the settings of what she sees on facebook without her knowing? Adjust your settings for those posts.

YANBU. How annoying. Children don’t learn words unless they hear them. You should never dumb down your speed for children. Good grief and how annoying for you as an educated professional.

In buying those things, she's trying to please you. Trying to relate to you. Try to be a little more understanding.

YABVU, Grandmother buys toys for a grandchild. What a bitch. Let’s lynch her.

I’m sure it’s very dull up in your ivory tower. What comes across in your post is a huge amount of snobbery and patronising language.

motorcycle - yes, I'm sure you're right about how she feels. And yes, I think probably that second option is a good idea. I don't think she realises she's being so undermining, but I grew up with a granny who often put my mum down, sometimes nastily, and it made quite an impact. I'm not keen for DD to see the same.

barbarian - I'm sure she does feel she missed out. She went to college but dropped out to look after her mum. We've talked about it a bit. But I'm not sure how to get further with it. In an ideal world I'd be saying 'yay, MIL will teach you to read, DD' and she'd feel great that she was being educational, which is obviously what she wants. However, realistically, it's not very likely to happen like that, because she doesn't actually understand how to teach someone to read and doesn't have much interest in doing things like reading (age appropriate) books to DD, so doesn't get involved.

I agree - she is buying things she believes are educational because she wants to impress you and doesn't want to be seen as the non-intelligent MIL. It is an insecurity of hers around a DIL she sees as more intellectual than her and she doesn't want to appear daft.

Theres a massive difference between being able to hold a conversation and using words that most of the population have neither any reason or desire to understand.
You can value education in a general sense while still believing many fields of accamdemia are completely unnecessary and frankly a waste of taxpayers money.

And honestly it is rather rude to post messages on open social networks that many people cannot understand. If your colleagues want to have an intulectual discussion using obscure technical words stick to mediums that are not open for others to read.

In an ideal world I'd be saying 'yay, MIL will teach you to read, DD' and she'd feel great that she was being educational, which is obviously what she wants. However, realistically, it's not very likely to happen like that, because she doesn't actually understand how to teach someone to read

I don’t see why you would say MIL would be the one to teach her to read in an ideal world really? It’s generally down to parents or teachers to teach children to read.

Just let her carry on with buying toys for her grandchild, restrict what she can see on Facebook, explain that you will (presumably) be using phonics to teach her to read and ignore the annoying things she says.

I’d be tempted to go overboard with talking to DD in an ‘ooh, you’re going to be a super dooper professor just like mummy once we’ve mastered phonics, aren’t you?!’ kind of way whenever MIL is around!

And honestly it is rather rude to post messages on open social networks that many people cannot understand

What a lot of nonsense!!

Are you really advocating that everyone should adjust their social media language use to the lowest common denominator on their friends list user?

And what about subject matter? If I don’t understand rugby or cricket does that mean no one on my friends list should be allowed to discuss it because I might not be able to follow the conversation?

And how does one assess what “most people” can understand?

Wow User. Do you find it rude when people post in languages you don't speak too?

Mil is clearly very insecure about your qualifications. This is her problem.
I would leave her with buying the educational toys, it does no harm. Realistically you, dh and school are where she is going to learn the basics.
Try to think more kindly of her and deflect her onto some other things. Does Mil have any strengths you can play on?

Definitely set your Facebook so she can't see what you write!

Change your Facebook settings so she can't see much.

She's on my facebook (a mistake, but too late!), as I'm good friends with several colleagues, she sees me having work-related discussions there and will then refer to 'all these long fancy words no one understands'.

Put work friends on a different list so she doesn't see your conversations.

And honestly it is rather rude to post messages on open social networks that many people cannot understand. If your colleagues want to have an intulectual discussion using obscure technical words stick to mediums that are not open for others to read.

I don’t understand references to lots of pop culture, or foreign languages, or all kinds of things, if people can only post things that everyone can understand there would literally be nothing posted on social media. The whole point of social media is to post about what you’re interested in and connect with others with the same interests. If you have no interest in a person’s posts you don’t follow them, not the other way round.

That being said, in the specific case of your MIL to avoid triggering her insecurities I would limit what she can see on Facebook, and I’d pick her up on / get your dp to pick her up on any digs she makes about you/ your work each and every time. Undermining or insulting you in front of your child is not acceptable

Put her on restricted and ignore her. If shegoes on about making dd clever just go aww she’s already clever, she takes after me and laugh. None of this is your problem really

user139328237 wow, I'm astonished at this. You literally want to censor and dumb down all public discourse because it makes some people aware that they're not as well educated and articulate as others? What a dreadful world that would be.

@Namechange
Facebook is about keeping in contact with existing contacts rather than finding new ones and posts can appear on other people newsfeed. Main timeline facebook posts should be of relevance to the vast majority of your friends and anything you wouldn't talk about in a mixed group of friends in person is probably not appropriate.
Facebook has multiple features to separate posts on more obscure topics that will only be of interest to a minority of people such as groups, pages, splitting friends into groups, and messenger that can be used to restrict who a post is seen by and these features should be used when wanting to have an in depth discussion on something relatively obscure.
Just like in the real world it is also appropriate to assume a greater level of knowledge on specialist websites as people on these websites will on the whole have chosen to look for content particular to that topic.

I don't think YABU, however I'd just smile and nod at her when she says "and now I'm going to each DD... " I have had similar comments from my parents about changing my line of work (for some reason my mother is fixated that I work part time as a pharmacist in Boots!) when actually I have a good job in IT. I just ignore it and carry on - as long as I enjoy my job and DH is supportive it doesn't matter.

I'm in the smile and nod category. Mmmm is also a good word.

@user139328237 I'll dumb this down...WTAF?