To find MIL's inconsistent views on 'education' irritating?

[SarahAndQuack]

Since my DD was tiny (she's now 21 months), MIL has been very insistent that she will 'make DD clever' by buying her 'educational' toys. Things like a toy dog that chants ABC at you, or Disney books. Not what I would buy, but it's harmless. She'll always assume these toys will be the first and only way of teaching DD anything, so she'll say things like 'Now DD can start learning to count!' or 'Now DD can start learning her ABCs'. I admit, I find this irritating in itself, both because she's assuming I don't do anything to teach DD anything, and because of the emphasis on rote learning, which gets on my nerves. MIL is especially adamant that a child must rote-learn the alphabet and that 'all this phonics' is nonsense.

What bugs me especially, though, is that this emphasis on making DD 'clever' goes alongside a constant stream of digs at me. I'm an academic in English; I used to work a lot on psychology of reading, so I know a fair bit about phonics and so on. MIL repeatedly asks me if I've not considered doing a different, more family-friendly job, or has a go at me for using 'long words the baby won't understand'. She's on my facebook (a mistake, but too late!), as I'm good friends with several colleagues, she sees me having work-related discussions there and will then refer to 'all these long fancy words no one understands'.

I have tried to say, very casually, that it's just jargon that you get in any line of work and not to bother about it. But clearly, it bothers her, and to me the implication is that I'm too educated (or, somehow, it's only ok to be educated if you never show it). Yet she never shuts up about how she intends to educate my DD.

What do you think? AIBU?

... and there you go! the very attitude you are referring to here for everybody to see! hide away you (preferably in your ivory tower) with your long words and useless knowledge, lest somebody feels uncomfortable!

Hide your MIL on Facebook or put her on a reduced list so she doesn’t see as much of what you post, and just indulge her comments. She doesn’t live with you, it’s not all the time.

You can value education in a general sense while still believing many fields of accamdemia are completely unnecessary and frankly a waste of taxpayers money.

Like what, pray? (Because, of course, national budgets are ruined, RUINED, by universities!)

And honestly it is rather rude to post messages on open social networks that many people cannot understand. If your colleagues want to have an intulectual discussion using obscure technical words stick to mediums that are not open for others to read.

Wow. Just wow.

When did intellectual discussion become something that is generally offensive?

And honestly it is rather rude to post messages on open social networks that many people cannot understand. If your colleagues want to have an intulectual discussion using obscure technical words stick to mediums that are not open for others to read
I know others have dealt with this but seriously stop revelling in your ignorance.
If I see something on FB I don’t understand I don’t get angry with other people about it I’ll look up the bits I don’t understand if it looks interesting otherwise I’ll ignore it.
What a narrow little world we’d all live in if we could only discuss things everyone knows already.

She sounds like my dm with whom I have actually argued about education. She thinks it’s all a complete nonsense and has a particular issue with phonics. However, in contrast to the OP’s MIL, she considers herself to be educationally superior to me.

According to my dm, I cannot spell, I have no grasp of grammar and am generally a little bit stupid. She has based this on my struggle to learn spellings at the age of seven, which as I was born in the late 70s, was rather a long time ago. Despite this desperate shortcoming and clear indication that I am, in fact, an imbecile, somehow I managed to get 10 GCSEs, 4 A-Levels and 3 degrees.

She considers my dc to be similarly educationally subnormal because they have been taught to read phonetically. I wish I was joking but sadly not.

Theres a massive difference between being able to hold a conversation and using words that most of the population have neither any reason or desire to understand.
You can value education in a general sense while still believing many fields of accamdemia are completely unnecessary and frankly a waste of taxpayers money

I value education and despise laziness when writing (both spelling and grammar) so whilst ignoring the repeated instances of poor grammar in your post, I would love to know what the hell "accamdemia" is.

Can't even blame autocorrect, because it tried to change it to the word I am assuming you meant.

You can value education in a general sense while still believing many fields of accamdemia are completely unnecessary and frankly a waste of taxpayers money.

It depends who gets to decide what fields of academia are completely unnecessary though; this reminds me of someone telling me of the son of a friend of hers who had just completed a ‘worthless’ PhD. I thought it might be something useless, but it turned out to be research into head injuries 😯

I'll definitely look into restricting some facebook settings - thanks for that recommendation!

I don't think I agree with people saying it's rude to talk shop on facebook. I see loads of friends posting about things I don't know about or understand - it never bothers me. And as someone else said, sometimes on FB you find someone posting in a language you don't speak, too, so you can hardly expect every post someone else writes to be written with you in mind.

I have to say, too: I do not think she is buying these toys to try to relate to me. She bought the same stuff for her other grandchild, long before I arrived on the scene. It simply is what she thinks is educational. I'm ok with that, but I think it's not ok for her to act as if she's the main educator while at the same time running me down.

@holidayshop - no, I said in an ideal world I'd be saying that! :D I don't think she will teach DD to read but I wouldn't have any issue with flattering her a bit. My issue is that I feel as if I'm always being pulled up short and told I do things the wrong way, while I can see that what she's doing isn't keeping DD's interest or getting much response. And honestly, you're not likely to get a 21 month old to do much that looks like reading, are you?! Best we might get would be DD pointing at words or saying the odd line from a familiar story, and she'd need to read to DD to get that, rather than just insisting she must 'learn her ABC'.

And, blimey, 4strings, that is awful.

She's definitely doing it to curry favour with you as there used to be a real push for children to learn letters, numbers and colours in very traditional ways. It all sounds very competitive to. MIL is in her 70s and is obsessed with educational toys. I bought DD a set of linkes (plastic circles that link together, perfect for chewing) and she sat there going through the colours including aqua, because of course a 4 month old needs to learn aqua! She keeps bringing round wooden puzzles and hard back books that would be beautiful for a much older child but not for a young baby. These are always given with a 'And aren't these great blackcat, they'll teach DD xyz. My DC could do complex equations at 2 months and had won a noble prize by their first birthday....or something just as ludicrous!

I've explained that DD actually needs to be building physical strength, feeling likes she's taking part in conversation and learning cause and effect (I push this button and it makes a noise). She's now actually got some toys that DD likes and nice play mat and their house. I always make it clear that they're not obligated to provide anything but equally I wouldn't want toys to be wasted because they're not age appropriate.

*Nobel prize! No one wants a noble prize

I'm really sure she isn't doing it to curry favour.

The toys are exactly the same things she bought for her other grandchild, and she talks about 'making him clever' in just the same way. I'm pretty sure she just thinks she is right.

She's only in her late 50s, by the way - phonics was around when her younger children were in school too.

(But, oh, I can so relate to the 'mine could do whatever by the age of two ...' stuff!)

She sounds like a pain in the arse. I’d nod and smile re the toys and resist her criticisms. You might like to point out that school will use phonics so DD may as well get used to them.

She will probably become hugely competitive as your dc grows up. My mother is constantly comparing my DC's exam results with those of her friends grandchildren. She's currently trying to plan dd2's gap year. It never stops.

That's a good point testing, thanks, I'll use the 'may as well get used to them' line.

Iused - oh, how annoying! And yes, I expect she will.

it is rather rude to post messages on open social networks that many people cannot understand

I wish people who don't understand a word would see it as a learning experience and ask what it means instead of taking offense. My vocabulary has really improved since I started doing that.

Late 80's to early 90's phonics were out of vogue in schools and were poo pooed by lots of teachers as an old way to teach reading, I know this as my mum was a teacher - trained in the 70's who went along with the school party line of no phonics with the exception of her SN classes - she was SENCO - who she had a huge success with improving their reading. Based on her age she may well have had children at school around about this time. I recall it as my mum used to moan about newfangled ideas/teachers not knowing what they were up to!

Also there is nothing wrong with learning things by rote alongside learning phonics, both compliment each other and help out. Rote learning works for a lot of students. I would hope you would be able to understand not one size fits all.

Also to the person up thread moaning their mother in law is talking about the colours at 4 months, I did the same, I also counted as appropriate with my children, ie walking up stairs, from a similar age, you may think its pointless but things filter in all the time, its not physical or mental it can be both. I used to build my kids stacking tower thing saying each colour and encourage them to stack it at the same time. Both my kids at 4 and 2, know colours, have pretty good language and can do most physical things as well!

It's how kids learn language is to hear it from the very beginning.

I do think you have a resistance to your MIL, it comes across as very snobby sadly and that everything she is doing is not good enough for you.

First: it's for you to decide what it's appropriate to put on your own Facebook timeline. I get irritated by constant memes and chain C&P posts, but it hasn't occurred to me to demand people stop doing it to suit my personal quirks. People who don't want to read your feed can restrict your post or unfriend you. It's as easy as that.

Second: I've taken years of rudeness from passive-aggressive in-laws who resented my qualifications and occupation and who took every opportunity possible to 'put me in my place'. I understand just how annoying it is to sit there silence and passively receive this kind of goading. IMO, however, it's the best way. If they don't receive the slightest inclination that they're succeeding in getting under my skin, it irks them far more. Smile, give brief answers, restrict her on Facebook, keep her at a manageable distance and, if necessary, deploy non-defensive communication that gives absolutely nothing to work with. The phrase 'I'm sure you see it that way' is one of my personal favourites!

It's aggravating when grown adults behave in such a childish manner, but it's not something I'd make my hill to die on unless it was part of a more extensive and damaging pattern of behaviour. If she's constantly putting you down in a damaging way or driving a wedge into your marriage then you have a right to demand better for yourself than this.

Good luck!

I know, noodle. I really do know about early years education - I studied the history of it, and the recent research, quite a lot. So there's no need for the 'I would hope you understand' comment, as I've nowhere said I have an issue with complementary strategies. They worked very well for me.

What I object to is insisting a 21 month old needs to rote learn their ABC, and that this will 'make her clever'!

The person upthread didn't object to using words for colours (or counting stairs, or any of the normal things virtually all vaguely non-feckless parents do). She objected to her MIL trying to teach 'aqua' as a specific colour word.

I don't see how it's snobby to say things should be age-appropriate, at all.

mariel - thank you - and I'm sorry you've had a similar experience!

Sorry but I would have used aqua, turquoise or some such if there were two different shades of blue. All words are age appropriate if used is the correct context.

My kids had a chair that sang the alphabet, both mine could copy the song quite easily within a few months of them starting to repeat songs etc, did it help with alphabet - no idea as I didn't do it in isolation!

You object to her suggesting rote learning her alphabet but then say you are happy with complementary learning methods - it doesn't come across at all.

Seriously live and let live a bit - I have been seriously hands off in pushing anything with my children apart from doing what they want and its working ok currently. Overthinking and analysing will just wind you up and achieve nothing!

I don't think there's anything wrong with using two words for pale and dark blue! I'm just clarifying that you misread that poster's point, and she wasn't saying anything like what you thought.

I don't understand your later points. What is wrong with saying I don't think it is sensible to make a child of 21 months rote learn the alphabet?

As I said in my OP, it is harmless.

But it's also not helpful. There's no shred of research to say that memorising your alphabet (whether in a song or anything else) at that age helps you later on.

I think you must be projecting issues onto me here, because there's really nothing in my post to suggest I'm not living and letting live. I don't go round demanding MIL not give her these toys - I say thanks, and I encourage DD to play with them if she is interested. Nor do I get into long arguments with MIL about phonics versus look-and-say.

What I object to is the idea of forcing things on children - and you say that is what you object to too. So why are we disagreeing here?

Not projecting anything at all, just don't get your issues if you also think it is all harmless.

Most of the toys these days just provide the building blocks for kids, you may find your child wants to know what the letters are as well as the phonics for them. Who cares if she learns them in order. Mine definitely have benefited from knowing the letters.

Ignore the comments let them play with the toys how they wish - my niece had the dinosaur that said all the letters barely pressed the letter buttons but it was made to roar a lot!

Ok.

I don't know how to put this without upsetting you. But, you're not actually understanding long sentences. I wrote that I think certain toys are harmless. I clarified that trying to make a child learn the alphabet is harmless.

I didn't say it is 'all' harmless.

In the same way, another poster explained to you that using unfamiliar words for colours can be unhelpful, and you misunderstood her and thought she was talking about never using colour nouns in general.

You need to learn to read the whole statement, in context. It is a very basic thing. When a child does not learn about context, that child is not learning a very useful lesson, and they risk becoming the sort of adult who is unable to read a short passage and comprehend it.