To have another child?

[cavycavy]

Me and DH are nearly 39 with one 4yr old child. We have a lovely 3 bed semi and a good income. We are not ‘wealthy’ by any means, but we have enough to pay the bills, shop in Aldi/Lidl and go on a cheap holiday (nearly) every year. We are certainly not poor but we are a bit shit at budgeting.

It too me 3 years to even contemplate having another child due to severe PND. Then another year to come off the medication.

I’m now ready and we would both love another child. We are realistic, it may not happen now with our age and I have gained a shit-tonne of weight on my medication. But that’s now coming off steadily (cheers AD’s) and we have decided to give it 2 years of trying to conceive naturally and let fate take its course. Obviously we also need to start being strict with a budget as, with 2 children, there would be no room for error.

This time I would also seek out support from my GP and midwife in anticipation of getting PND again. I’m fairly convinced my PND was a result of birth trauma/PTSD. I work with midwives and have discussed this with them and feel confident I would be well looked after. I’d even have the option of a c.section.

However....

We have never explicitly discussed these plans with our parents but due to us keeping the pram and the cot in the loft “just in case” they know it’s a possibility.

Both sets of parents have alluded to the idea that having another child wouldn’t be a good idea. DH parents purely because of finances. They are very wealthy and I think they consider us to be living in the breadline (which we aren’t, we have savings, we just don’t happen to shop in Waitrose and buy all our clothes from Joules).

My parents (mum specifically) think we are just too old and I have just survived horrendous PND, so why would we risk that again?

Both are probably worried about being lumbered with childcare again, and would feel obliged to offer, but we would absolutely pay for childcare this time round and we could afford this.

We both planned 3 children (ambitious given our age at the time) but we never anticipated me becoming so unwell. We feel like we have a couple of years to have one more shot at another child. I can’t bear the thought that we had an only child out of choice, I really really want our child to have a sibling. In our minds it’s the right decision. But it’s unsettling to know our own parents don’t think we are up to it!

AWBU to go ahead? Should we be grateful for what we have (we are very grateful already) and make the best life for our child that we can. Is it irresponsible to have another child if you aren’t ‘wealthy’? Are we too old? Is it irresponsible and unfair on everyone (myself included) for me to risk having PND again?

Maybe it’s selfish but I long to have a baby and enjoy, or simply REMEMBER, the first year. I really think it will be fine this time around, but perhaps I am naive.

I honestly can’t get my head around being 39 years old and so interested in my parents view on whether my husband and I should have another child.

You had a tough time. You got through it. If you want a second, go for it.

What your parents and ILs think doesn't come into this. It's none of their business.

You sound like a very responsible person. I don't think any of the reasons you have given mean you can't have another child, however, I would involve your GP as soon as you get pregnant, have regular check ups and maybe even start an AD before giving birth. Don't wait until you feel depressed to see a professional.

As for the money issue, if you have savings, your budgeting can't be that bad? In any case, budgeting can be learnt, there are books, apps, courses etc. Why not give it a go?

As for your age, as long as women are able to conceive naturally that's nature's way of saying you are young enough to be a parent!

I honestly can’t get my head around being 39 years old and so interested in my parents view on whether my husband and I should have another child.

Tbf if her DPs in OPs own words were 'lumbered with childcare' then I can see why they have an opinion, aswell as the health of their DD.

What does your GP think? How severe was your PND?

Yes - you want another, can afford another ... why not?

I don’t see why your parents views come into it. I never discussed TTC with mine and my DP never did with his, despite being very close.

It’s none of their business; I’m quite surprised they’re offering an opinion.

You seem very aware of the hurdles that may come up and have realistic expectations of both having another child/not conceiving. Go for it, I would say.
I wish my only dc had siblings but I wasn't able to conceive for years, and now I'm 38 and my relationship has ended so realistically I won't be having another child.

It's one of my great regrets. I too suffered horrendous pnd after the birth of my first and it took me 3 years to feel ready to try for another child.

It is important for children to have siblings I believe, especially where there are no cousins nearby.

Don’t let other people’s opinions stop you having the family that you both want. You’ll always regret it if you don’t try for another by the sounds of it.

Good luck

Actually, I think u could have something to do with the parents. Especially if they had to step in last time when the op was so poorly.

But also would you want to see your daughter (even adult daughter) risk being that poorly again.

I am not saying the op should have one because her parents don't like it. But say I g it's good nothing to do with them isn't true either.

OP no one can predict the future or tell you wether it's a good idea. I, personally, wouldn't. I wouldn't risk be so poorly, I would be worried about the impact on the older one.

However that doesn't mean i think it's wrong for you to go for it. I can only give my personal opinion.

If you both want to you should go for it BUT I think only if you have a manageable plan for if it does go so badly again.
Hopefully you would avoid it, but as I'm sure you know, having had it once makes it more likely a second time. Your parents don't get a say in your family planning, but they are entitled to say no to more childcare, especially if this time there will be two children.
Can you really afford childcare for both if you are so unwell again, and if parents can't help? Maternity nurses for newborns run to £250 per 24 hours, and few nurseries will take them so young. I remember when we had Ds2 and were on an Aldi budget like you are, and once you factored in the loss of wages on mat leave, I could barely afford childcare when I needed to go in for a one day hospital procedure.

This isn't to say you shouldn't - but given your history, I think that you'd need to be very clear on your backup plan.

You say you have PND but also might have ptsd. Have you been checked for ptsd?

@BishBoshBashBop

Good point

It’s a very tough decision. Lots of research shows there is a 50% chance of recurrence of PND following a subsequent birth. The things you mention may help, but post-natal psychiatric illnesses are quite ‘biological’ and all those interventions might not stop it. And it is more likely if your illness was more severe. And what would be impact on your current child?

Sorry don’t want to sound overly negative, but you mentioned maybe you are being naive so am just offering this perspective.

Can I ask what antidepressant you were on that made you gain all that weight? Mirtazapine?

Just go for it. As you said, it might not be straightforward age wise. Everyone comes forward with anecdotes about people who get pregnant easily at that age but the reality is that fertility does take a dive at that age. Definitely try anyway!

Why does it effects your parents? Are you expecting them to do childcare? In which case yabu.

Given how unwell you were, would you be up to having a frank discussion with parents? Reassure them that you have a plan in place this time if you become unwell again and they won't be stuck with childcare

My experience with my second baby was incomparably easier than my first. Night and day. So I wouldn't be too worried about the PND risk, and just be alert for signs and if you do feel like you're headed that way, go straight to the doctor. I also wouldn't be super concerned about finances, nursery is expensive, but if your first isn't already at school, they will be by the time you have a second, full price nursery is only for a couple of years, and you sound like you're on a decent income and can cut back if you put your minds to it.
I really wanted to have (at least) two, and I'd have been so sad not to have done. I'm sure your parents are mainly just worried for you but I don't think that should put you off. It sounds to me like you're well prepared for it.
That said, we're stopping at 2 because we do now feel maxed out. It's awesome, but it's a lot of work.

It's none of your parents business so put their thoughts aside. Pnd once doesn't automatically mean you will be affected again even though it's more likely than average. Your let's just give it a go attitude is perfect, it may work for you, wonderful, if not it wasn't meant to be. Have fun trying!!!

One day both sets of parents will be dead. Sorry to be frank but when that day comes will you be glad you just had 1.

I say this as someone who had their 3rd knowing that family would worry a bit about us. It's been fine though and everyone has been wonderful. All that matters is that you and your DH do what you want to do. Yes you need to be practical but you don't need to factor in other people's opinions unless you are asking something of them. You might like to consider the reasons behind their worries but as long as you don't think there are concerns then that's all that matters.

Go for it and good luck . You sound like you’ve really thought it through, that you realize what could happen but could handle it. I suspect your DPs and DPILs are just worried about your health but that once DC2 arrived they would adore them

You sound like you want a baby and will regret it forever if you dont try. You are in a good position apart from the depression risk which you might not get or are better prepared for.

But i came onto say dont factor in giving your child a sibling as a reason. Lots of sibling relationships arent very good and if your next child has some kind of need you could even be giving the other a job in older life.
I also found going from 1 to 2 hard. With 1 i could focus on their needs. With 2 they sometimes have equal but conflicting needs so i have to pick and feel bad the other didnt get the option best for them.

I'm scrolling on a tiny screen so can't see if you said your parents do childcare....if they don't, then it's none of their business, but if you are relying on them for it, that's a bit of an issue.

I don't think the Op should ignore her parents and PILs thoughts on this matter, they are the ones that know the Op in RL not a bunch of strangers on the internet. They are the ones that see how she actually lives and copes day to day and what impact her PND had on her and her husband.

All to easy to say ignore them and go for it when you'll never have any dealings with her in real life.

Ignore the parents.

My friend had horrendous pnd (was hospitalised with it) and eventually went on to have another child. She had pnd again but no where near as bad as all the support was in place during pregnancy etc.

Go for it!

Wow loads of replies! Thank you.

My GP has said go for it. My PND diagnosis was delayed because it took a while for me to act on it, I was then unreasonably resistant to the diagnosis and didn’t want to accept it. She has recommended I am referred to a PND specialist midwife and be prescribed AD’s as soon as the baby is born. She feels we need to assume I will get it again as my mum had PND and a few other women in my family, it it’s very likely hereditary. So I’ve accepted it will happen again but GP feels AD from the beginning and specialist midwife will stop it from escalating to the point where it breaks me down completely.

Happy to hear all opinions, positive and negative re. This. Am I effectively CHOOSING to be mentally ill again? How will this effect my child, my marriage etc etc.

Firstly, as far as parents are concerned. I’m very close to my mum, she supported me through PND and was amazing. She has said a few times since I’ve recovered how relieved she is it’s all over. “You would never choose to go through that again would you?”

Well.... no... but how would I get another child?

DH parents just simply told us one day, “you can’t afford another child”. That was that.

I know it’s not very ‘mumsnet’ but I do really respect their opinion, they are our parents after all and probably know us better than anyone else. They won’t dictate our decision. However, I am confused and unsure, so their opinion somehow means more than it would if I was 100% certain.