To have another child?

[cavycavy]

Me and DH are nearly 39 with one 4yr old child. We have a lovely 3 bed semi and a good income. We are not ‘wealthy’ by any means, but we have enough to pay the bills, shop in Aldi/Lidl and go on a cheap holiday (nearly) every year. We are certainly not poor but we are a bit shit at budgeting.

It too me 3 years to even contemplate having another child due to severe PND. Then another year to come off the medication.

I’m now ready and we would both love another child. We are realistic, it may not happen now with our age and I have gained a shit-tonne of weight on my medication. But that’s now coming off steadily (cheers AD’s) and we have decided to give it 2 years of trying to conceive naturally and let fate take its course. Obviously we also need to start being strict with a budget as, with 2 children, there would be no room for error.

This time I would also seek out support from my GP and midwife in anticipation of getting PND again. I’m fairly convinced my PND was a result of birth trauma/PTSD. I work with midwives and have discussed this with them and feel confident I would be well looked after. I’d even have the option of a c.section.

However....

We have never explicitly discussed these plans with our parents but due to us keeping the pram and the cot in the loft “just in case” they know it’s a possibility.

Both sets of parents have alluded to the idea that having another child wouldn’t be a good idea. DH parents purely because of finances. They are very wealthy and I think they consider us to be living in the breadline (which we aren’t, we have savings, we just don’t happen to shop in Waitrose and buy all our clothes from Joules).

My parents (mum specifically) think we are just too old and I have just survived horrendous PND, so why would we risk that again?

Both are probably worried about being lumbered with childcare again, and would feel obliged to offer, but we would absolutely pay for childcare this time round and we could afford this.

We both planned 3 children (ambitious given our age at the time) but we never anticipated me becoming so unwell. We feel like we have a couple of years to have one more shot at another child. I can’t bear the thought that we had an only child out of choice, I really really want our child to have a sibling. In our minds it’s the right decision. But it’s unsettling to know our own parents don’t think we are up to it!

AWBU to go ahead? Should we be grateful for what we have (we are very grateful already) and make the best life for our child that we can. Is it irresponsible to have another child if you aren’t ‘wealthy’? Are we too old? Is it irresponsible and unfair on everyone (myself included) for me to risk having PND again?

Maybe it’s selfish but I long to have a baby and enjoy, or simply REMEMBER, the first year. I really think it will be fine this time around, but perhaps I am naive.

Yes he is very positive about it but has said, ultimately, because it’s my body if I say ‘no more’ he will respect that and that he feels very lucky to have had one child. Once I was medicated I was much better. I never got to the point where I couldn’t look after my child alone or anything like that.

We have spent the last year saying yes/no/yes/no completely undecided. Wanting another child but also quite enjoying being past the nappy stage, the sleepless nights, the toddler phases, the childhood diseases etc etc..... we have a very lovely child who (for the most part) is very easy to look after.

A baby, we’d be resetting the clock and it would be another 5 years before we get to this point again. We’d be 44 years old.

Oh god....... I just don’t know now!!!

Ok, we have drawn up a budget. We could afford childcare but it would leave very little for fun things like holidays, taking into account the tax free bit from the government. That first year would be very tight. But it’s not impossible.

So really, the issue is simply starting again. Just as our lives are starting to feel easy again (having made it through the toddler years) do we have it in us to have another.

Our child tells me they want a dog, not a sibling!!

I still wouldn't in your shoes OP. I know it's easy for a stranger to say that though. I just think with how tight your finances would be plus the real chance that you will have PND again it would be madness.

What would happen if you were that unwell that you couldn't look after the dc? Who would support you? DH? How would he be able to and keep down a job?

Sometimes we have to be happy with what we've got.

So really, the issue is simply starting again.

Not really. It is also about the impact it could have on your MH, your DC and those around you.

Yes I agree with you both.

My husband said he would give it more thought today, but I think we both know the decision has been made.

Selfishly, it just makes me feel sad. Like I haven’t fulfilled my potential somehow. Or I’ve let our child down.

But I have so much to be happy about. A healthy lovely child, a happy marriage, my health is intact after surviving a horrible mental illness, a nice house etc etc.... lots of good things.

Does that longing for another baby go away?

I had PND with my first child but second time around I was fine. It doesn't automatically follow that because you had it once you would have it again.
I found it a lot easier with my second because I knew how to look after a baby, importantly for me I knew that although it's hard work it does get easier as they get older. Second baby was actually much harder work as hardly slept, first was actually pretty easy going (but I was a mess).
Sounds like you have support in case the worst happens and you know what signs to look out for so if you and DH both want a baby you should go for it.

RayRayBidet That is great for you that your PND didn't return but I know if a few women for who it was worse second time around and it really affected the older DC and their relationship.

OP it's not selfish to feel sad and you aren't letting your dc down by not having another baby. You really aren't.

What important to your Ds is that he has a happy life with parents that love him and care for him.

My mum had it with all of her children. She said it was managed better the last time, when (in the 80’s) it started to be taken more seriously and actively treated.

My grandmother had it (on my dads side) and I know my cousin had it too.

I have to acknowledge there’s a strong hereditary link in our family.

@GreatDuckCookery

Thank you. I am being selfish though. Because I’m the only one longing for another baby. DH and DC are perfectly happy as things are.

I think it will take me a while to accept that I will never have more but I am very grateful for what I have.

Cavy I’m in a similar situation. I’m 39 with one 4 year old and had terrible PND with him.

I have a bit of longing for another child and I am worried about DS being an only child. I just can’t quite pluck up the bravery to do it again though. I’m so scared of being ill again and it affecting DS.

@RiddleyW

I know. It’s a difficult situation. I’m thinking back to some counselling I had during PND days. I remember, then, agonising over something and the counsellor reminding me that there is no ‘correct’ decision.

I think a big issue of mine is having grown up in a large family, from a massive extended family. I have load of aunties and uncles and cousins. To me this feels like a ‘proper’ family. I know that logically, this is incorrect. It doesn’t make smaller family’s any less special. It’s just my bias.

I think you have to do what's right for your family OP and that might mean just having one child. It doesn't make it wrong. Just different to what you had growing up.

I also don't think it's selfish to want another baby, we can't help these feelings but it might be selfish for want of a better word to ignore what's happened previously and go ahead and have one.

It's hard to accept that there might not be another child for you but if you could look at how sticking with one child as a positive that might help you come to terms with it.

If I were you, given your age, severe pnd, weight issues and financial issues, I would definitely not have another child.

Your parents probably feel they are past doing the childcare and are giving you the heads up that you will have to sort it yourself now?

Go for it.

My only concern would be how bad was the PND?

I had PND with DC2 but not DCs1 and 3. I had a late in pregnancy loss after DC2 when I was 39, 6 months into the pregnacy and then went onto have DC3 at 42 with no complications whatsoever. The big worry was my history of PND with DC2 combined with the trauma that came with the loss of our baby girl after DC2.

I was in a good place with DC3 and had a great pregnancy- a bit wobbly at times but I could make sense of that. I knew that the history of PND combined with the fear of losing another baby was going to follow me into my next pregnancy. I was honest with myself. I took all the support I could get. Surprisingly, I needed so little. It was just knowing that I had a hand-hold from midwives, consultants, friends, and family, that gave me strength. And sleep! I really looked after myself.
My mental health was totally sound when pregnant with DC3 AND afterwards. So, that made a huge difference. I think knowing that the support was in place and that the midwives were very aware of my history gave me such a sense of safety. I felt incredibly supported which made me very stable emotionally.

Know that the support will be put in place. Be straight and honest and open about your history with your midwives, if you go for number 2. As we Americans like to say, lean into it, lean into your past experience. The more you acknowledge it, the more support you get, the better you will feel.

Good luck! Oh and ignore the parents! We'd never get anything accomplished it we took all of our cues from them, well-intended as they are. You just have to crack on with things and not give a hoot about their views.

Good luck! Oh and ignore the parents! We'd never get anything accomplished it we took all of our cues from them, well-intended as they are. You just have to crack on with things and not give a hoot about their views

Ignore the parents even though it would be the OP's mum that would most likely have to support her DD again? Really.

How old is your mum OP?

Does that longing for another baby go away?

Yes. In its own way.
I'm 46. My youngest is now 4. I wish I had more but I'm totally ok with not having more. I don't get broody. I admire cute babies but the sight of a pram leaves me cold. I'm no longer in the baby making club. And I think, despite the fact that we're having kids in our 40s and that is cool, I don't think the longing comes to us naturally at all in our 40s.

I found 38-40 a desperate time to have another baby. It was like, 'Get one out before the gate shuts/last chance saloon' type of thing. That fades, thank goodness. I'd hate to be ruled by that now. I still get a pang when I see a bump but not much of a pang at all.

We got a dog after our last DC. A dog cures broodiness! I highly recommend! And the kids are crazy about our dog who is now 3.

Ignore the parents even though it would be the OP's mum that would most likely have to support her DD again? Really.
How old is your mum OP?

I didn't see anything about her mom supporting her. Emotionally though, that's what parents do, at all ages! We support! My mum supported me throughout all of my pregnancies and was there for my deliveries.
But if you're talking about childcare, OP, then I'd rethink that. Give the grandparents a rest in that department, would be my advice.

OP said this is her first post

Both are probably worried about being lumbered with childcare again, and would feel obliged to offer,

TheVanguardSix

Firstly, as far as parents are concerned. I’m very close to my mum, she supported me through PND and was amazing

@PigletWasPoohsFriend
I was only trying to point out that it's not guaranteed that the op would definitely have it again.

My mum is 70. All grandparents are in their early 70’s. All were fit as a fiddle when I was pregnant and then over the last few years both GM’s have developed chronic health conditions. Both managed wonderfully well thanks to their healthy lifestyles but I still wouldn’t want to lumber them with the childcare 9 month old/toddler now.

We are actively avoiding asking them if they would be up for doing childcare because Im pretty certain they would say yes (esp my mum) because they wouldn’t want to be the reason we didn’t have another child. It’s not fair to ask them. So it HAS to be paid childcare.

I think, sadly, we have just left it too late. If only I had recovered from the PND more quickly.