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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask this of my parents for a night?

74 replies

AnxiousMama101 · 01/01/2019 06:23

I have a small dilemma but, due to baby brain and my anxiety, I’m struggling to decide if I’m being unreasonable? (Sorry for the long thread!)

Backstory:
I’m due my baby boy any day now and my parents are going to be my birth partners, alongside my husband.
My parents live three hours away from us and usually come to stay with us when they visit. Our spare bedroom is now the nursery however we have room for an air bed.
I’m due to have a sweep on Friday at midday (I’ll be 40+3) and I’m worried that I will go into labour after this (if I haven’t already by Friday!)
So I’ve asked my parents to come up Friday daytime just in case, even if it’s to support us/get some food in etc.

However, me and my husband have agreed that even though normally they would stay with us; if I am to have the baby, we would like to come home and it just be us three, to be a family.
As I don’t expect my parents to drive 3 hours home at whatever time of day it may be, that I could pay for them to stay in a hotel. They do struggle for money; so I would have no objection paying.

Do you think this is a reasonable request if I ask them to stay in a hotel for the night or two?

OP posts:

TinselTimes · 01/01/2019 06:24

Totally reasonable. Good luck with it all.

EmeraldBookshelf · 01/01/2019 06:29

Yes it’s a reasonable request as long as you’re paying and they’re willing. I would have wanted it the other way around though. Parents staying out of the way until baby arrives and then there or nearby to support you after birth.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 01/01/2019 06:29

I think it is a bit weird tbh. You want them there for the delivery but not at home? Just ask them to come a few days after the birth if your privacy is important to you. Never understood this personally, but if it’s what you want.

jessstan2 · 01/01/2019 06:31

I think it is very reasonable.

Good luck!

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2019 06:39

What if you don’t go into labour? How long will you pay for the hotel? Do they go home again and come back again in a few days?

Personally I’d get all my prep done the day before and just tell them to be on standby. I’d sooner spend the hotel money on a cleaner.

I’ll be honest though, I don’t really get the need to be ‘just us three’ - but that’s entirely your prerogative. I had a CS both times and the more people around the better.

I just think logistically you need to make all the arrangements very clear beforehand as it’s a confusing time and you don’t want to get embroiled in nonsense.

Would your parents enjoy a hotel stay?

ID81241 · 01/01/2019 06:46

But how come you want them there for the labour and delivery but not there for the actual newborn baby support? But don't think it's an unreasonable request at all. I also second the posters that say the baby might not come on the day of the sweep so best not to book anything in advance and have them stay with you until actual labour begins.

Also labour could be several days so you may need to plan for that in terms of overnights (hospital only allowed one person to stay overnight with me during my 3 day, 2 night labour - I chose my mum haha and my husband appreciated getting a full night's sleep).

Original poster

AnxiousMama101 · 01/01/2019 06:46

I do understand that most people would want it the other way around, which totally makes sense.

Due to being 21, I wanted my parents to support me during delivery but I don't want all the fuss after birth (as my parents can be quite full on). The plan was for them to be there for delivery, go home to allow us to adjust as a family of three, then come back after a week or so with my grandparents (who can't drive).

The trigger for my anxiety is having lots of people around me making a fuss; and I feel that I wouldn't be able to truly bond with new baby, my full on parents and everything else going on in one house, without shutting down.

I understand they are excited as this is the first grandchild, but they had already got it in their heads that they would naturally stay in the spare bedroom.

OP posts:

TulipDaisy · 01/01/2019 06:48

It's a bit weird but I understand and if you were my dd I would want you to be happy.

TulipDaisy · 01/01/2019 06:51

Thinking about it, I said 'no' to cousin's piling-in at the earliest opportunity. I needed time to adjust, so I understand. Besides, birth is no small thing to get over.

MoreCheeseDear · 01/01/2019 06:54

Seems rather selfish to me. Either have them for the birth and at home or manage without them. Rude to stick them in a hotel and tell them to bugger off when they've come down for you.

EmeraldBookshelf · 01/01/2019 07:03

Your age won’t make a difference here. No one knows what they’re doing the first time. Nothing your parents do can really help you during labour. Only a midwife and maybe an anaesthetist can help.
My first was a C section and I needed a lot of help from family after at the hospital and at home. I didn’t like having a house full of ‘visitors’ though. Just individuals who would actually do stuff that helped.
Why not play it by ear. You could still go 2 weeks overdue at this point. You don’t know when or how baby is coming or how you’ll feel after. I would ask them to stay away until you ask them to come. The thing about childbirth and child rearing is that prior to it we all want to stay in control and to make plans. However, what we learn to accept is that we lose control, we have to adjust to whatever we get, we just have to be flexible and respond to what happens minute by minute. That old annoying phrase is true, “Life is what happens when we make other plans”.

RChick · 01/01/2019 07:04

I had 3 sweeps over 11 days. Don't count on it working straight away.

Make your preference clear to your parents and they can either accept or not.

Theonewiththecat · 01/01/2019 07:06

How long will you put them up in a hotel for?
What if you're sweep doesn't work?
I had 2 sweeps, and had to be induced at 42 weeks.

Good luck 😀 you're not being unreasonable.

shpoot · 01/01/2019 07:09

Not sure why you want them at the birth but then want them to go away. Doesn't sound very fair especially when they've travelled so far.

Sounds a bit precious to me really. Just have the baby and then they can come up once you are home or at the hospital

MyOtherProfile · 01/01/2019 07:17

I really think you have this the wrong way round. I've never heard f anyone having 3 people as birth partners. There will be nothing for them to do and they will get in the way. Plus I found giving birth very intimate and wouldn't have wanted anyone other than dh and the hospital staff there. I really wonder if you will be allowed all those people taking up space.

Then coming home - that is when they can be useful. They can cook and clean and look after you and have baby cuddles but baby will still spend most of the time in your arms, especially if you are breast feeding.

Personally I would wait til you're in established labour before even telling them because it is all so unpredictable, then get them to come post birth.

Di11y · 01/01/2019 07:19

Assuming theres a local hotel that would take a last min booking and you’ll let them stay til you’re actually in labour I think that’s fair enough.

SoyDora · 01/01/2019 07:19

There’s a strong likelihood you won’t go into labour after the sweep. I’m 5 days overdue with my third baby and my first sweep was unsuccessful. How long will you pay for a hotel for if you don’t go into labour? What if you’re induced at 10-12 days overdue? Will you expect them to stay a couple of days, drive home then drive back again?

youarenotkiddingme · 01/01/2019 07:21

They won't be able to be at the actual birth?

I'd say that you would love for them to come down when babies born but want to have space to establish routine and also want them to have proper sleep and don't have a bed to offer them.

Therefore when babies here you'll pay for a hotel for them for a few nights.

I'm assuming you'll have in laws visiting too? You can sell it to them that you'll also have other visitors and it means you agent foisting them on your parents too.

HairyDogsFeet · 01/01/2019 08:05

Honestly when you are at home having given birth a few hours ago bleeding heavily and unable to go to the loo your mum will be more use than your husband.

SoyDora · 01/01/2019 08:08

Honestly when you are at home having given birth a few hours ago bleeding heavily and unable to go to the loo your mum will be more use than your husband

Speak for yourself, mine wouldn’t be!

calmsealife · 01/01/2019 08:09

You want your dad in the delivery room? I would rethink that, trust me.

Gina2012 · 01/01/2019 08:12

but they had already got it in their heads that they would naturally stay in the spare bedroom.

Funny that!

I think you need to handle this with great care

Or you could appear to be using your parents

Stringofpearls · 01/01/2019 08:13

Are you definitely allowed 3 birth partners in the delivery room. At my hospital the rule is max 2. It might be worth checking.

user1493413286 · 01/01/2019 08:14

I think it’s completely fine; especially as you’re willing to pay for the hotel. I’d have the conversation before the baby comes though.
My mum and I had a conversation when my sister had her DS about doing the same as we thought they might want their first night at home just the three of them finding their feet as a family.

Fundays12 · 01/01/2019 08:18

It’s your choice but most hospitals don’t allow 3 birthing partners in the room max 2 mainly even then 1 is preferred. To be honest you may need your parents more after birth than during. I only had my dh with me and obviously staff in and out but that was plenty.

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