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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask this of my parents for a night?

74 replies

AnxiousMama101 · 01/01/2019 06:23

I have a small dilemma but, due to baby brain and my anxiety, I’m struggling to decide if I’m being unreasonable? (Sorry for the long thread!)

Backstory:
I’m due my baby boy any day now and my parents are going to be my birth partners, alongside my husband.
My parents live three hours away from us and usually come to stay with us when they visit. Our spare bedroom is now the nursery however we have room for an air bed.
I’m due to have a sweep on Friday at midday (I’ll be 40+3) and I’m worried that I will go into labour after this (if I haven’t already by Friday!)
So I’ve asked my parents to come up Friday daytime just in case, even if it’s to support us/get some food in etc.

However, me and my husband have agreed that even though normally they would stay with us; if I am to have the baby, we would like to come home and it just be us three, to be a family.
As I don’t expect my parents to drive 3 hours home at whatever time of day it may be, that I could pay for them to stay in a hotel. They do struggle for money; so I would have no objection paying.

Do you think this is a reasonable request if I ask them to stay in a hotel for the night or two?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 01/01/2019 08:24

3 birth partners?!
And from someone who is triggered by too much fuss and people, with full on parents?
Just have your husband with you.
No accommodation problems.
Much calmer birth I’m sure.
They can visit later.

Littlefrog99 · 01/01/2019 08:27

I didn't know hospitals allowed 3 birthing partners, I've worked in 7 different hospitals and the maximum they allowed was 2. The 2nd only being allowed to join mum once she was in established labour.

YNBU to ask your parents to help you in whatever way you feel you need their help.

LotsToThinkOf · 01/01/2019 08:32

If fuss triggers your anxiety then having 3 birthing partners would tip you over the edge. I’d call them once you’ve had the baby, I agree it’s a bit strange to want them their for the labour and not afterwards.

MsVestibule · 01/01/2019 08:38

I'm really quite shocked that you want your dad in the delivery room with you!! Three people 'supporting' you in what is really quite a small room is a bit odd. Has the hospital OK'd this?

Regarding the hotel question- fine if they're happy with it, but as others have said, sweeps are often not successful so it would be a wasted 6 hour round trip. Maybe better to wait until you actually go into labour and your DH can then spend a few minutes ringing around local hotels?

GaryBaldbiscuit · 01/01/2019 08:38

No, I think you are being unreasonable and precious.
The family of 3 you want may not be what you expect. A new baby is really really tiring. Having your parents to give a hand will be a great help.

Wintermam · 01/01/2019 08:38

The trigger for my anxiety is having lots of people around me making a fuss

So you've decided to have your parents who are 'quite full on' in the delivery room with you as well as your husband and possibly a handful of midwives if everything doesn't go to plan?

I really don't mean to be awful especially when you're so close to giving birth but I'd re-think your choices of having them there. Everyone is different but as a pp said, I much preferred the help after birth when I was sore and tired.

TinselandToblerones · 01/01/2019 08:41

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask your parents to stay in a hotel this time but it is unreasonable to ask them to come up when you’ve no idea if you’ll go into labour or not

LagunaBubbles · 01/01/2019 08:43

I'm another one who thinks you've got it the wrong way round.

Inertia · 01/01/2019 08:45

The absolute last place you’ll want extra people around making a fuss is in the delivery room when you are giving birth. One birth partner is plenty, and most birth units only allow one partner anyway.

There’s also no guarantee of labour starting after a sweep. If anxiety is triggered by fuss, you’ll be driven spare by full-on parents there for a week fussing over the progress of your labour.

I think you will suffer far less risk of anxiety if you just tell your parents once the baby is born, get yourselves organised for shopping and cleaning, and put up your parents in a hotel once you have the baby. Don’t tell them that it’s because you don’t want them in the house, tell them it’s because they’d be more comfortable in a hotel than on an air bed.

speakout · 01/01/2019 08:51

The trigger for my anxiety is having lots of people around me making a fuss;

Yet you want so many people at the birth?

Seems strange.

You, your OH, two parents, perhaps three members of staff in the birth room?

All these people fussing over you at a time when you are at your most vulnerable? I would think long and hard about that.

Orchidflower1 · 01/01/2019 08:52

I’d be surprised if you were allowed three people in the delivery room. You will have other people in there too so if you’ve made your anxiety worse with more people I do think it’s something to think about.

I too think you’d be better having your oh/ dh in with you and parents coming after.

Be strong and have faith in yourself. Good luck with labour and delivery. Remember to take time for yourself after the birth which may be handy having your parents around then. Xx

starfishmummy · 01/01/2019 08:54

I think you're unreasonable to expect them to come at your back and call and then be sent away.

borntobequiet · 01/01/2019 08:56

Three birth partners? Mad.
Have your baby and when it is born and you feel up to it, have parents come to visit. Put them up in a nice hotel/B&B.

Lavende · 01/01/2019 08:56

Not unreasonable to put them up in a hotel but like some others have said it’s a bit strange. Three birthing partners in the delivery room would get VERY crowded and stressful. Also, and this is just personal experience, when I got home after my first was born I honestly couldn’t have give a shit about it being just the three of us. I was too uncomfortable and tired to care about anything but sleeping and trying to poo.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/01/2019 09:00

I think you are being unreasonable, sorry. When you come home from hospital your baby should be sleeping in your bedroom for 6 months anyway so the nursery can still be your spare room. Your parents don't live nearby so can't be flexible. If you insist on having more than 1 birth partner then you could always let them know once you are in labour. The vast majority of first labours are a lot more than 3 hours long. Do them the courtesy of letting them stay at least 1 night in your house. Becoming a "little family of 3" is not going to happen overnight.

junebirthdaygirl · 01/01/2019 09:04

If you end up having a section you may be glad to have your dps around to give help.i would not have had my dps in the delivery suite for love or money but as soon as l got home l took all help l could get so could shower/ rest/ have a clean house etc.
Also is your dp happy to have both your parents there as its a bit of an overshadow for him.
Not to increase your anxiety thinking it all out. I would have dps come up when they know you are in labour so they can pop in for a few minutes to see their gc.
Then maybe cme for a day or two a bit later so ye can get some rest.

formerbabe · 01/01/2019 09:04

It sounds like you're doing everything the wrong way round.

Most people have their husband as their birthing partner and their parents to stay afterwards!

I think it's very unreasonable of you to want them to be in a hotel.

GruciusMalfoy · 01/01/2019 09:08

I would rethink it. I don't think it sounds very nice to keep them "on standby" for a number of days, then send them home as soon as baby arrives.

Ragwort · 01/01/2019 09:09

Agree with most other posters, you sound a bit selfish. No one needs three birth partners Hmm, just wait and have your parents visit in a few days time when you are home and might need some help. You don’t know how long you will be in labour for, your parents could be needing the hotel for 3/4 nights.

wavesmax · 01/01/2019 09:10

From experience you will end up resentful towards anyone who intrudes on your bonding time.

I don't see how your parents can help during the birth. Yes it's nice for them to meet their grandchild but there's a time and a place! Honestly that is a special moment between you and your husband. Though I suppose it depends on your relationship with your parents.

Definitely don't have anyone staying with you for the first few weeks. Visitors in small doses. Don't make concrete plans, you need the pressure of sticking to them.

You need to stand on your own feet with the becoming a mother situation. So many want to help but you can get overwhelmed with it all and see it as interfering. Find your own way, your instincts will kick in. Enjoy your little one, it's very precious time you will never get back. Good luck with everything, you and DH can do this together.

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2019 09:11

I think to most people this would be a bit odd. From wanting three birth partners to including your dad in that then asking them to leave. You don't know when you will be released from hospital, how long the labour will be, what sort of support you will need etc.

I would book the hotel because it's what you want, but many an experienced person will tell you. Having support in thr first week is often invaluable, but not all parents are useful

MsTSwift · 01/01/2019 09:11

Sorry I can’t get over having your dad in the delivery room.

NotANotMan · 01/01/2019 09:13

Really weird arrangements all round
You may not give birth after the sweep meaning your 'full on' parents drive 3 hours twice to stay in a hotel
You don't like fuss but you want your mum and dad in the room with you while you give birth
Then you want them to bugger off home
So weird. Is this your plan or has it come from your parents and you're trying to minimise the impact and 'handle' them?

lifeofamummy · 01/01/2019 09:14

I'd have a little rethink about it all. Your age won't matter, no one knows what labour and birth is really like if it's your first time. You don't want your parents to feel a "second choice" or feel pushed out when they've travelled all the way to be there for you. I'd feel a bit deflated if I were your parents.

Good luck.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 01/01/2019 09:15

My experience of labour and birth ....

Labour was slow. Induction took 3 days to get going. My poor husband spent 3 days sat in an uncomfortable hospital chair. It's unpredictable.

The induction ward was small. You have a bed, your birth partner has a chair. There was definitely no room for 2 other people.

The delivery suite was lovely but again, not huge. My husband was there obviously (again, had a chair) but by the time things got going, there were 2 midwives, 2 obstetricians, a paediatrician, a cardiologist and an anaesthetist. My delivery got very dramatic very quickly. If I'd had anyone in addition to my husband, they'd have been asked to leave due to lack of space. To be honest by that point I didn't even need my husband, I just needed the professionals to get my baby out safely.

I wasn't prepared for the aftermath. I was kept in for 4 days for reasons unrelated to the actual delivery. It was painful, I struggled to lift my baby out of his cot, I struggled to stand, to sit, to move position. Our "just the three of us" was limited to 12 hours in the delivery suite (3 of us plus a midwife giving me 1:1 constant monitoring)

If you have a good enough relationship with your parents that they can be there during labour, honestly, take their support afterwards instead. They can cook you a decent meal, they can do your laundry, they can do your shopping.

You could also end up with a C-section and need even more support afterwards. Birth is unpredictable, the worst thing you can do is try and make a solid plan.

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