To ask this of my parents for a night?

[AnxiousMama101]

I have a small dilemma but, due to baby brain and my anxiety, I’m struggling to decide if I’m being unreasonable? (Sorry for the long thread!)

Backstory:
I’m due my baby boy any day now and my parents are going to be my birth partners, alongside my husband.
My parents live three hours away from us and usually come to stay with us when they visit. Our spare bedroom is now the nursery however we have room for an air bed.
I’m due to have a sweep on Friday at midday (I’ll be 40+3) and I’m worried that I will go into labour after this (if I haven’t already by Friday!)
So I’ve asked my parents to come up Friday daytime just in case, even if it’s to support us/get some food in etc.

However, me and my husband have agreed that even though normally they would stay with us; if I am to have the baby, we would like to come home and it just be us three, to be a family.
As I don’t expect my parents to drive 3 hours home at whatever time of day it may be, that I could pay for them to stay in a hotel. They do struggle for money; so I would have no objection paying.

Do you think this is a reasonable request if I ask them to stay in a hotel for the night or two?

Why can they no longer sleep in the spare bedroom? Are you intending to put the baby in there immediately?

will your dh go back to work?
i think once he goes back to work is the ideal time for parents help

3 birthing partners is madness. They won’t have anything to do and you’ll feel like you’re the entertainment. One, two max. Most hospitals won’t allow more than two, they get in the way!

If you don’t like fuss then 3 birth partners is madness - by the time you add in a midwife or two, possibly an anaesthetist, that’s 8 of you in your hospital room!

Hopefully, if your plan goes ahead, your parents will prefer the option of a comfortable hotel bed rather than a blow up bed in the spare room.
If I were you though I wouldn’t have a plan that was set in stone - it’s impossible to predict how long labour will be or how you will feel afterwards. You might welcome an extra pair of hands or two at home.
As an alternative arrangement, would your dad feel very pushed out if he wasn’t a birthing partner?

I would want family around for when I got home after the birth. I would not want all the family in the delivery room. You don't even know how the birth will go and you don't know when it will happen. A 3 hour drive is a lot to set off on until you actually know how that labour is established. Even then it could be hours (even days, sorry) you don't know how long you will be in the hospital. It could go to C Section which would be a longer stay in the hospital.
I think you would be better having your parents set off after the baby is born and you know how long you will be in hospital.

Instead of booking a hotel, why don’t you book an air B and B for a week or so? Then they can come and go if they want to.

Are you having a home birth? I did and obviously there’s no limit to how many people you can have there. Mine was very nice!

Well there is no spare room anymore is there? Isn’t it now a nursery? They should stay at a hotel.

Sorry, also, the thing is a hotel is just an option. If the op feels differently they don't have to stay there.

Some good comments on here (and some odd ones like resenting people interfering with bonding time). The point of having support is to give you time. Many women are exhausted after birth, sore, and bonding isn't something that happens over night, because you're on significant recovery mode, and feel the need to sleep and rest. There is also the uncertainty you feel when you're first alone with your child, all these feelings are overwhelming for both new parents.

So I'd book it, but say if you feel you need the help then leave the option open for them to stay.

I'd also revisit the birth partner option though I doubt many women would wish their father in the delivery room.

I think the one time you are allowed to be ‘a bit selfish’ is when you are giving birth!

Obviously nobody here knows your parents or your dh but my concern would be that you are going to end up having to manage the three of them when you should be concentrating on giving birth.

My mum came and stayed in a hotel when I had my baby but she didn’t leave her house until was in labour. She did get to the hospital before I had the baby as I was in labour for three days but she didn’t come in. I didn’t have to think about her wellbeing or where she’d parked or if she’d had a sandwich.

Yes this is all a bit skewiff. Your sweep may well not work - how long would you pay for a hotel for?

Even if it does work, hardly any babies are born within three hours of labour starting, especially a first baby. I'd leave it until you are having regular contractions and then call them to visit, even if it's the middle of the night. For example, I had a sweep at 9am Friday, it started working at 4pm Friday, I went to hospital at 11am Saturday when my contractions were every few minutes, lasting a minute at a time. That's pretty average I'd say.

I agree that your parents will be more use to you at home than you think, as long as they are reasonable people. Can you set some clear expectations? 'Mum and dad, I was thinking you'd stop with us for one night after we're home from the hospital, to settle us in, is that ok? And I'm a bit nervous about bonding, I'll mostly just be cuddling the baby, that sounds right doesn't it.'

I think it's weird you want your parents at the delivery, I was the same age but it was an experience for my (now) DH and I, you're about to be a mum, I would crack on with your partner and have your parents down when he's born. If you are adamant I would be certain your partner is genuinely happy as he will not get that experience again, I think it's being a bit demanding what you're opting for but no doubt everyone will throw the "her birth her choice" card but I personally think we can all be a bit more mature than that. Good luck.

Putting aside the idea that you'd have your dad in the delivery room which really does need a rethink imo I don't see an issue with the hotel side of things.

Maybe I'm the odd one out but I'd far rather go to a hotel for the night than sleep on an air bed cramped in what I assume is now a nursery. Surely better for the parents to get a good night's sleep and be around during the day to help out. I don't see the problem with them not being there at night. I don't read it that the OP is banning them from her home completely once the baby is born but maybe I've got that wrong.

Your anxiety is triggered by 'people round you making a fuss' good luck in delivery then

I'm not sure 2hat trust you're under but mine only allows one birthing partner in the room at a time

What*

Your anxiety is triggered by 'people round you making a fuss' good luck in delivery then

Pretty much this!

I don’t really understand your impulses OP.

I love my parents but I couldn't think of anything worse than having them in the room with me. It was a hugely intimate few hours with my husband and I can't imagine more people watching me go through that. There's nothing they will be able to do for you.
I do agree with time as the three of you, my parents live 5 hours north of me so I rang them as soon as I went into hospital. The baby was born just before visiting hours finished so they spend the night ar ours then when we came home next day they went to a hotel. We absolutely needed 24 hours of quiet and the first night alone to figure things out.

Labour takes ages. I think you’re safe to call them when things get underway. You’re piling on the pressure with this sweep if they’re ther waiting for you. And labour never starts when you want it to.

No ones dad once to see their little girl shit themselves past early childhood.

For someone who doesn't like fuss, 3 birthing partners (which I doubt you would be allowed) is odd.

Not sure many DF would want to watch their DD give birth tbh.

It's not something I'd expect anyone to do for me, however it never crossed my mind to have anyone but DH as a birth partner or to not allow visitors after giving birth. I'm not sure why your age has anything to do with it.

However know your parents better than anyone else so you know how they will react to this.

I have anxiety and hate fuss and people around me. I couldn't even bear to consider 3 people in the labour room with me. For me it was just DH. I don't understand how you can even contemplate this

Anyway

It sounds like you're using them and I'd be unhappy in their position, I wouldn't be staying in a hotel either. You can't use your anxiety to pick & choose - you either want them around you or you don't

I'm also in camp 'mortified to consider my dad being there and seeing my fanjita in all its glory'

I went into labour suddenly at 35 weeks dh at hospital with me, my mother with toddler dd1 at toddler group my dad had to pack my hospital bag. Packing my nightie and sanitary pads etc df said “ I will wipe this from my memory” . Even that felt too intimate and df and I get on brilliantly