Twin relationship AIBU - please could you help or advise?

[Hasselbacks]

Hi everyone,

I’d be really grateful if you could please help me with this.

I’m a regular poster but have name-changed for this, as it’s quite personal.

I’m in my late twenties, and have a twin sister. We both grew up together in the same hone, but were put in different forms at school. I also moved to a different school after our GCSE exams and then we went to separate universities, so although we have done a lot together, we have also had a lot of separate and individual experiences.

When we were growing up, we got along okay, but never brilliantly. I think we’d both always hoped that we’d get along better, but we still don’t really get along that well.

I think we do try to get along with each other.

Mostly, we have a good relationship - we laugh together, share jokes, spend quite a bit of time together (we live in the same town and normally see each other every couple of weeks, have just spent Christmas together with family and have booked a short holiday together) and do appreciate each other’s company.

The problem with our relationship is, I think, that we still can bicker often. This seems to happen when we’ve spent quite a lot of time together already, and perhaps need time on our own or apart.

For example, we’ve just spent Christmas together with family. We spent tonight celebrating NYE with a family member and then I went to stay the night with my sister, who lives near the relative (my sister had offered, which I was grateful for, and I accepted).

A bit after we arrived at my sister’s house, we bickered, and unfortunately it escalated. Unfortunately, we both hit each other, and my sister asked me to leave.

I’m now on my way back home to my house. I realise in hindsight that I shouldn’t have accepted staying at my sister’s - i don’t think, looking back, that it was the right decision. I wish that I had gone back to mine directly, instead.

There is a bit of negativity in our relationship, clearly, I’m not sure why this is - I wonder if it’s because maybe we still fall back into our childhood patterns of behaving.

Please can anyone advise on what we should do to improve our relationship? I’m really at a loss (maybe because I’m tired) but I really want us to have a good and positive relationship (like we have with friends and other relatives).

I’m happy to give more detail if needed.

Thanks very much in advance for your advice.

There is a hell of a lot of identifying information on here, so I can see her point.

Get therapy.

While I have sympathy for you, you’re in an incredibly lucky position and you should remember that.

Thanks, Flamingoo. I completely understand and agree that I’m very lucky in many ways.

I think this may help you to think through your approach with your DM. I think she is the main problem rather than your sister.

www.betterhelp.com/advice/family/survival-guide-for-dealing-with-an-overbearing-mother/

Most mothers would offer to split the available money between you for you both to use as you wish. If they were specifying you use it for a house I think they would allow you to purchase together but live separately.

Why are you putting your mother and sisters feelings above our own OP?

I am an identical twin and was till i married very much joined at the hip with my sister, we shared a house and social life etc, we were very close. My sister is by far the dominant twin and untill a couple of years ago our life was a constant competition over everything. I always backed down as couldnt be bothered with the fall out. A couple of years ago i divorced, this coupled with the death of my dd made me sit up and be less tolerant of people and my sister hates it. She hates that i refuse to compete with her, that i pull her on her shit, shes tried transferring the competition to our dc who are around the same age, its not working, she sees that she cant manipulate and control me anymore, so instead has moved on to passive aggressive comments and subtle put downs. I now for my own mental health and because ive got better things to do speak with her very rarely, shes not interested in me or my dc, taking a large step back from our relationship has been the best decision ever.

Therapy helped me hugely with my relationships with my family, because it helped me to know my own mind and to trust myself. I would really recommend it. The most important thing as I understand it is to find a counsellor/therapist who has an approach which you feel will work for you. Being in London means you’re likely to have a good range of options to choose from. You could start by looking at who is working in your area - I think you can search the BCAP website by postcode. Maybe identify a few to contact and take it from there. Good luck, you are in a great position to make positive changes for yourself x

Sorry BACP website!

Thanks Philippa, karineaimee and burblife.

Just coming on here again to say thank you so much for your posts, everyone - it’s been really helpful to read your advice. I’ve noted it all down and will start looking at putting it into practice. I’ve also contacted a few counsellors, so hopefully that will be helpful and a good step forward as well.

I am an identical twin and we didn't speak for 10+ years.
We speak now and I think the relationship is much healthier for the break.
She is the dominant twin and I was always the also ran.
Now? We have a very distant relationship, we rarely speak but will text each other.
I know very little of her life and she knows little of mine, this is aided by many miles between us.
Moving away was the time I became 'me' and not 'them'.

Thanks twoheaped.

My sister still wants us to share a house and says we can make it work. I’m not sure.

Of course, with buying a property, the money would go further if we bought somewhere together.

But I just think that it would be a really good idea if we both separated ourselves as much as possible and were as independent form each other as possible.

What do you all think? How can I approach this fairly and constructively with my sister?

I wonder why your sister wants a house together? Would she not like a family of her own one day?

I would definitely be questioning why she wants you to house share, knowing how strained your relationship is. Is she a dominant twin? Is she going to basically turn into your mum and be all overbearing?

If you don't want to live with her then stick to your guns.

I shared a house twice with my sister. The first time was a disaster...and I swore to never do it again (she was still in uni and behaved like a child, so we reverted to a childish teen relationship...always arguing...her acting like I was there to clean up after her...just awful).

Anyway after she moved out our relationship improved...she lived with other people & grew up a bit...so by the second time round when she wanted to share again, although I was apprehensive because of our past experience, I could see that our relationship had significantly improved to the point that there was a 50/50 chance it could work. And it did go well, we argued occasionally but ultimately treated each other with respect (which is vital in order to live together peacefully)

What I'm saying is, work on your relationship first before you consider living together, and get to that point of maturity and improvement. Moving in together prematurely will only intensify the negative elements of the relationship and outweigh any benefit you get from living together.

Just saw you haven’t had a boyfriend / LT relationship for both your sakes
Do not buy a house with your sister.
Get two flats.

You should both have your own space for when you meet partners / get your own families.

Think about what both your futures will look like in a house together that is essentially an extension of your childhood home. Living with your sibling, your parents coming and going, nothing ever truly being private...
You will be trapped in this emotionally stunted ground hog day with your mother still buying you slightly grumpy oversized jumpers when you are in your late 30s

On that note my mother does that thing with buying me clothes.
No idea why
I used to be polite but now I don’t even try it on I just give her a hug look at her and say “thank you so much for thinking of me. I love that you did, but I don’t need a cardigan/ this isn’t my style/I don’t suit mustard and dark purple stripes and I like to pick my own clothes.”

You prepare rebuttals for the inevitable excuses
I don’t have the receipt -> they’ll exchange it
But I bought it for youuuu -> I appreciate the thought but I don’t want you to waste your money and I just won’t use it
I can’t return it -> let’s donate it to charity / maybe sister wants it?

But do not accept it or take it out of the house!!
Leave it on the bed / in the room if you must but do not take it!!
My mum now buys me much much less (she tells me about all the things she saw and thought and buying for me...only took 3 years to get to this point

Also if you got a two bed flat you can let a room to a lodger, it’s extra tax free income and if you pick carefully it’s really a good way to make new friends

You’re lucky that your parents are able to help you

I saw you mention above that you had different friendship groups, different jobs and I assume different lives? So surely living together would simply make you flatmates

You can still have partners around to stay

I don’t know why you appear so fixated on being independent and completely separate when you could still be if you shared accommodation - I assume you would have separate rooms? Surely interaction would simply be as little or as much as you made of it

What does your sister do? Are you otherwise close

Hitting each other is assault. 'Bickering' is not the right term, you sound like you're trying to downplay more sinister behaviour

@SilverBirchTree I agree with you - hitting is assault. However, I wouldn’t call it sinister behaviour. I don’t see anything sinister in it - but yes it is unhealthy, unusual and absolutely inappropriate.

@trojanpony I couldn’t agree with you more. Thank you for your post - it’s been really helpful

@Flamingoo yes, absolutely - I fully appreciate that I am in a very lucky position and I am massively grateful. We have made sacrifices as a family for this but I am very, very lucky.

Unfortunately, I don’t think my sister and I will just be ‘flatmates’. I am really concerned that the dynamic would change into an extension of my childhood home if I was to move in with my sister (as trojanpony suggests above), and I think this would be really unhealthy and unhelpful. Because of this, I am really keen to make myself as independent as possible.

After lots of thought (and from reading advice on this thread), I am sure this is the best way forward for me, and am fully prepared now to focus on this.

I also now have an appointment arranged with a counsellor, and will of course use the advice from our sessions together to help me decide how I want to do things.

I’m pleased you returned and also to see your update.

Families can be complicated but you sound like you’ve got some clarity on how to move forward

Best of luck

Thanks trojanpony :)

Sounds great Hasselbacks, hop your session goes well.

Thanks, @ReturnfromtheStars :) I had an initial session yesterday just to explain the situation, and the therapist said they’d get back to me within the next couple of weeks to see if they could help.