Twin relationship AIBU - please could you help or advise?

[Hasselbacks]

Hi everyone,

I’d be really grateful if you could please help me with this.

I’m a regular poster but have name-changed for this, as it’s quite personal.

I’m in my late twenties, and have a twin sister. We both grew up together in the same hone, but were put in different forms at school. I also moved to a different school after our GCSE exams and then we went to separate universities, so although we have done a lot together, we have also had a lot of separate and individual experiences.

When we were growing up, we got along okay, but never brilliantly. I think we’d both always hoped that we’d get along better, but we still don’t really get along that well.

I think we do try to get along with each other.

Mostly, we have a good relationship - we laugh together, share jokes, spend quite a bit of time together (we live in the same town and normally see each other every couple of weeks, have just spent Christmas together with family and have booked a short holiday together) and do appreciate each other’s company.

The problem with our relationship is, I think, that we still can bicker often. This seems to happen when we’ve spent quite a lot of time together already, and perhaps need time on our own or apart.

For example, we’ve just spent Christmas together with family. We spent tonight celebrating NYE with a family member and then I went to stay the night with my sister, who lives near the relative (my sister had offered, which I was grateful for, and I accepted).

A bit after we arrived at my sister’s house, we bickered, and unfortunately it escalated. Unfortunately, we both hit each other, and my sister asked me to leave.

I’m now on my way back home to my house. I realise in hindsight that I shouldn’t have accepted staying at my sister’s - i don’t think, looking back, that it was the right decision. I wish that I had gone back to mine directly, instead.

There is a bit of negativity in our relationship, clearly, I’m not sure why this is - I wonder if it’s because maybe we still fall back into our childhood patterns of behaving.

Please can anyone advise on what we should do to improve our relationship? I’m really at a loss (maybe because I’m tired) but I really want us to have a good and positive relationship (like we have with friends and other relatives).

I’m happy to give more detail if needed.

Thanks very much in advance for your advice.

@WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit thanks for your reply.

I agree with you, but I have absolutely no idea about how to approach this with my mum. Any ideas on how I can approach this, please?

My worry with this is that living with my sister in a house bought by my parents will mean that I’m not really standing on my own two feet (as it’ll be more or less like living in the family home when we were children, rather than me moving on and living totally independently and self-sufficiently).

My mum and dad have saved a lot of money, and want to use it for my sister and I by buying us a house.

My mum won’t consider the money being used for anything else (I think she wants this money to be put forward for something that she can also use, which makes sense, but feels a bit stifling, as if we’re still children and being dictated to a bit, albeit with a very generous offer attached).

Anyone with advice, please?

OP when you said that your mother wanted to buy you and your sister a house, is this outright or as a deposit? If outright, could she not help contribute to a deposit on a house each at some point in the future instead?

You need to talk to your sister, you need to say about you both growing up out of the roles your Mum has placed you in.

Your sister may be jealous of you for different reasons.

Do you love each other to talk openly but with kindness??

Kpo58 it would be for buying a house outright. I think that she wants a say in the type of house we buy.

She is giving us a hugely generous sum of money for this, but it does come with conditions. I have asked her about this before, and she has got very upset and said that she would like to pass the money to us sooner rather than later as she is getting older and is worried that she won’t have much time left to pass it onto us.

I think she (and my dad) would like to pass the money into us tied into something (property) rather than giving us the money outright, to avoid my sister and I wasting it or spending it too quickly and on the wrong things.

@RandomMess thanks for your post. I wish I could say we do but, on the occasions that we talk to each other openly, which is rare, we can get very upset. I will really try to talk to my sister openly but kindly about this now. I think that it is a very positive and worthwhile step.

Well, just beause theyre giving you a house, doesn't mean that you have to live in it. You could rent it out if they're that insistent. Yes it is generous, but it's kinda mad to expect adult siblings to live together. Help with a deposit would be the obvious choice. Strange that they are foisting an unwanted gift on you in such an awkward way.

Of course you shouldn't live together by the way. How about joint therapy? You two need to speak honestly in a safe, contained environment.

I also agree that just because they buy you a house doesn't mean you both have to live in it...

Certainly worth discussing with your sister how it could work.

If your mother is set on buying a house, it clearly needs to be one converted into two separate flats.

It is however extraordinarily strange that she insists you live together as adults. Would she veto a course divided into flats which you could rent out - that would be more like a trust fund investment in property, with the safety net of being an optional home for you if you wanted at any point.

Could your mother actually be the problem here?

IStillMiss I completely agree.

I think therapy would be a good idea. We’ve actually had therapy as a family before for a couple of sessions, instigated by my mum, but it didn’t change anything (I think partly because it was such a short number of sessions that it was only superficial).

I’ve suggested therapy to my sister before, but she doesn’t agree with going to it and says ‘we’re not married’ so she doesn’t see why it would be helpful.

I would simply tell my sister that I wanted our relationship to improve, with no blame, and could we do counselling. If the answer was no then I’d know she wasn’t ready and take a step back from her. Then get counselling for myself.

I would tell my mother that although her money is appreciated, I want to live alone. If she refuses to give money for that then that’s fine.

There seems to be a lot of control in your family relationships. Your mother wants to gift you a house but only on her own terms. That isn’t a gift. My mother would never say what I had to spend money on, she would respect my wishes and want the money she gave me to make me happy!

Cross posted, if your sister refuses to get help then I would be taking a step back and getting it for myself.

By the way, I had therapy for me and it coincidentally improved my relationship with my sister. I learned about what I wanted, and didn't have and what I was doing to try to bridge that gap - and the effect that was having on me and our relationship. Once I learned that, I changed what I was doing and found that she picked up the slack and our dynamic changed to a more balanced relationship. I was happier and our relationship feels nicer now.

So whether she agrees to therapy or not, I recommend that you go.

Go for therapy yourself. Your family sounds dysfunctional. I don't think it's anything to do with being a twin specifically. You could be a year apart and have the same.

The house thing is very generous but could end up being a nightmare.

What happens if you meet someone, want to live with them, get married etc. You may find yourself in a situation where you want to buy your own family home, to do so you may have to sell your house with your sister, what if she doesn’t want to sell etc. etc.

Also works the other way too if she met someone.

It’s just a thought. I owned a flat with my sister and lived together but we are very close and it was still a little complicated when she wanted to sell. I was priced out of London and has to make a huge life change as I couldn’t afford to buy her out.

I honestly think your relationship would benefit from you living further apart and developing your own lives more, the opposite of living together!!!

We have considered buying a shared property for our DC to own but no one is going to be forced to live in it!! Our thoughts about how to make it fair for the ones living in it versus the ones not. Plus what if one wants to come off deeds etc.

What would happen if you took a huge step back from your family for a bit?

I have 16 yo fraternal twins B/G
I've always strived to see them and ensure they are see as DS or DD not DTs. They are individuals not a single identity.
They were in separate classes from starting nursery aged 3y 4m.
As they went into their teens I've encouraged them to follow their interests, develop their own friends, think about they want from the future and whilst they're close it's not suffocating.

I've always felt that same sex twins (fraternal or identical) are far more likely to be lumped together as "the twins" and seen as one rather than two. They tend to get dressed alike when young, shared presents and I feel that encourages that interdependence that can become unhealthy.

People also have a fascination with twins and expect them to be mega close (almost telepathic). I wonder if this happened to you and your twin in childhood?

I have no solution but wonder if you had therapy alone it might help you understand your relationship and work out what you want from it and what you're prepared to give to it.

Living with your twin sounds like a recipe for disaster; think about what you want and talk to your twin about it. I'd suggest you jointly go back to your mother acknowledging the generosity of her offer but proposing that it's done differently e.g. 2x equal house deposits with you both having a mortgage, whilst explaining that as adults you don't want to live together, you want different types of homes, the freedom to decorate, furnish, organise your home to your taste, consider where you both work & the journey to work, pets, city v town v country, romantic relationships etcetc

Hasslebacks what a tricky and sad situation .

Could you write to your sister ?

I wonder if you started a seperate thread about your parents wanting to buy you a house with both of you living in it and asked for advice wkether you might get more targeted suggestions .

So sorry not to be more help +

Are you non identical twins? If so youre basically just like any other siblings and will fight as such. I dont know any sisters who truely get on or genuinely like each other, more they just tolerate one another.

I can't stand my sister. She can be utterly vile to me and very naïve about a lot of things too which gets under my skin. The only reason we're civil these days is because she lives at the other end of the country now.

My twins are at the same university. I will hopefully help them buy a property but would be very clear it should be separate properties as I have done with their older sibilngs as then it is less complicated for tax and all kinds of other reasons.

On the row if you hit each other you broke the criminal law and twins in theirs 20s should nto hit each other. So perhaps you both need some anger management training. Just make it up with each otehr and get on with it.

Lots and lots of siblings are not friends. Just because you are twins you’re not obliged to be best friends or close at all.

I am close to my sister - on the occasions we spend time together or talk on the phone. I wouldn’t want to live with her, we fought a lot as kids and I don’t think that would change if we were forced into close quarters!

Do not allow your mother to buy a house for you two to live in.

As a fraternal twin myself I know that being wombmates doesn't mean you can successfully be roommates.

And is your mother really thinking through this idea? You're in your twenties, chances are you'll be meeting (one of) the one (s) in the next 5 years. What happens to a joint house when one or both of you is ready to settle down, maybe even make her a grandmother? That might be a seed to sow with her if you want her to look at distributing property in a less stressful way.

And as long as you don't live together, or spend too much time together, you don't have to be best mates with your twin - you're different people and that's more than ok.

I'd also echo a PP who suggested counseling for yourself at least - your family dynamic doesn't sound the healthiest but you could be. Good luck.

I'm an identical twin. 3 years ago I went NC with her after years of her bullying and putting me down. I've had a lot of support on here!
Think it's quite common to not be close to your twin. People expect you to be close but it's ok to be your own person!
Perhaps step back a bit, hitting each other is out of order. Your mum should be treating you both equally tho.