Twin relationship AIBU - please could you help or advise?

[Hasselbacks]

Hi everyone,

I’d be really grateful if you could please help me with this.

I’m a regular poster but have name-changed for this, as it’s quite personal.

I’m in my late twenties, and have a twin sister. We both grew up together in the same hone, but were put in different forms at school. I also moved to a different school after our GCSE exams and then we went to separate universities, so although we have done a lot together, we have also had a lot of separate and individual experiences.

When we were growing up, we got along okay, but never brilliantly. I think we’d both always hoped that we’d get along better, but we still don’t really get along that well.

I think we do try to get along with each other.

Mostly, we have a good relationship - we laugh together, share jokes, spend quite a bit of time together (we live in the same town and normally see each other every couple of weeks, have just spent Christmas together with family and have booked a short holiday together) and do appreciate each other’s company.

The problem with our relationship is, I think, that we still can bicker often. This seems to happen when we’ve spent quite a lot of time together already, and perhaps need time on our own or apart.

For example, we’ve just spent Christmas together with family. We spent tonight celebrating NYE with a family member and then I went to stay the night with my sister, who lives near the relative (my sister had offered, which I was grateful for, and I accepted).

A bit after we arrived at my sister’s house, we bickered, and unfortunately it escalated. Unfortunately, we both hit each other, and my sister asked me to leave.

I’m now on my way back home to my house. I realise in hindsight that I shouldn’t have accepted staying at my sister’s - i don’t think, looking back, that it was the right decision. I wish that I had gone back to mine directly, instead.

There is a bit of negativity in our relationship, clearly, I’m not sure why this is - I wonder if it’s because maybe we still fall back into our childhood patterns of behaving.

Please can anyone advise on what we should do to improve our relationship? I’m really at a loss (maybe because I’m tired) but I really want us to have a good and positive relationship (like we have with friends and other relatives).

I’m happy to give more detail if needed.

Thanks very much in advance for your advice.

Thank you so much, everyone.

In terms of ‘taking a step back’, how would you suggest I do this?

I’ve always been very close to my family, and I speak quite regularly with my mum on the phone, so I think they’d be upset and surprised if I decided to take a step back.

Do you have any advice on how I can do this in the gentlest way possible, without hurting anyone’s feelings?

I feel quite resentful of the fact that my mum still seems to treat my sister and I like we’re much younger whenever we go home. My mum always tells me to ‘act my age’ but then she’ll do everything for me when I get home (cook for me, offer to lay out my clothes(!!))

I know my mum means really well, but it’s so frustrating when I try to explain to my mum that I live independently, have lived independently since leaving home to go to university and can cope by myself with basic household tasks.

My mum still sometimes buys me clothes, and shows me them when I go home to visit her.

She’ll ask me to try them on, and often they’ll be the wrong size (too big, although she knows my clothes size, but she says she wants the sizes to be ‘generous’ so they fit over my clothes), or they won’t be a style that I would buy for myself. The size thing irritates me a bit, even though I know that my mum means well. The style thing, I can live with, and I’ve approached it by thanking my mum for the clothes and saying that I’m really grateful for them and it’s really kind of her to have thought of me, but I normally prefer to buy clothes myself as I find it easier that way. I hate these sorts of situations as I really really don’t want to hurt my mum’s feelings and I’m hugely grateful for everything she has done for me.

Bump.

Your Mum is very overbearing!!!

Can you have a private discussion with your sister about how she finds your Mum and how she handles it?

I wouldn't dream of buying my DC clothes unless it was something very similar to what they already have and I'd hand the receipt over to them with it so they could return!

Yes, I agree that my mum can be overbearing - I think she means very well, and because of this, I struggle to try and explain that I need space and independence without saying it in a way that will hurt my mum’s feelings.

Because I struggle so much to put across my point of view in an objective way that is kind and fair, I get frustrated and can suddenly blurt out to my mum that I don’t want to be treated like a child anymore (my mum’s response to this is either to say that she likes treating me like this I’ll always be her daughter or to say that she doesn’t mean to do anything wrong and she just wants to make me happy or to snap at me and call me ungrateful).

I think the reason why my mum behaves in this way is because both of her parents worked full-time when she was growing up and I don’t think they could spend much time with her or be as present with her as they would have liked, so I think she probably consciously wanted to be different with my sister and me.

Also, my mum is getting older, and I don’t want to bring all this up now with my mum as she’s given so much to me and my sister (basically brought us up singlehandedly until we were older teenagers).

I just don’t think I can live like this anymore. I’m going a bit batty.

I really want to have a positive relationship with my sister and parents where I feel fulfilled, and want them to feel the same. I just don’t feel like my mum has taken my views into account, really. She means so well, but I think she’s always done what she thinks is best for us as she believes she knows best.

This has left me feeling confused about what I want, insecure, frustrated that I still don’t feel like I’m being listened to (and upset, when I approach this with her and actually say to her, please can you hear me out and take my views onboard?) I think it’s too late to bring this up with my mum.

My dad doesn’t want to get involved in this (not because he’s uninterested - it stresses him out, but I think he isn’t sure how to approach this).

Tips for stepping back - just don't call everyday. Don't answer the phone to them everyday, just call back a day or two later, no hard feelings, you were busy. Don't let them bulldoze you, make your own decisions. They can offer advice as much as they like but you can make your own decision later.

Op

Are you employed?
Do you have a partner?
Do you live alone?

Sorry I see you are employed

When it comes to the house you just need to make statements such as;

I don't think it will work, what happens if one of us moves away for work or has a partner? There are to many what ifs.

I have no idea who I can talk to about this in real life (I don’t really want to tell anyone outside my family, as I want to keep it as private as possible and it’s not fair to expect anyone outside the family who doesn't know about this situation and dynamic to help me work out how I can feel better).

Does anyone know of any counselling services that I could use please? Based in London.

Thanks

Kikipost I live in a rented flat share and don’t have a partner.

I’m actually talking to my mum about it all now and she’s being very supportive and understanding. I think she sees where I’m coming from.

Have you ever had a partner OP?

No I haven't, Kikipost.

OP: I think you are heading the right direction, your uni experience sounds empowering and great & congrats for the job you love. Do you now have friends from uni and work? It's hard with loving parents who want the best for us, but you need to stand up for yourself, a joint house is NOT a good idea, would your parents want to buy you a joint house if your weren't twins?

I feel they might have put expectations on you being a twin, but honestly, you don't need to like your sister any more than other siblings. Some siblings even hate each other, so you are fine :) Even though my my husbands and my sister like each other and and the same with her husband and I it would be a shocking idea to move in together (I still dream of living close one day)

@StripeyDeckchair & @bevelion: lovely to see the approach of encouraging twins / triplets to have their own friendship groups helps others too. Respect and boundaries are key. I generally like my sister's friends as they are nice people and might do things with them, but they are still her friends and I have my own.

I meant husband, not "husbands" I only have one :)

I’m not surprised.

OP. You’re on your late twenties and relationships within your family are decidedly unhealthy and stopping you from carving out romantic relationships I suspect.

I’ve now spoken to my mum, and she’s been very kind and understanding. It’s actually been very helpful.

She understands that my sister and I living in the same house is not a good idea, necessarily, and agrees that we should live separately.

Could you get a new job away from the family? Then the joint property issue becomes invalid. You can create distance by not going round to see the family, don't call them more than once a week. I moved out aged 18 to a foreign country and keep a very low profile with my parents who would love to dominate my life.

@IStillMissBlockbuster that seems like a good idea. I’m just not sure how to approach this with my mum - she seems hurt if I don’t call her for a couple of days.

@Maelstrop I’d like to move abroad one day, but not just yet. Now I have a job I enjoy with reasonably good prospects and career progression, I feel very settled and don’t want to uproot myself just yet.

I always wanted to work in France (love France and speak French), and am very open to doing this in the future, but would like to get established in a career first and also I’m not sure how Brexit will affect this.

I live in London, as does my sister. Our parents live outside London.

I could move to another big city, but not rurally, as I can’t drive (I’ve tried learning to drive in the past, but due to a permanent eye problem caused by a damaged optic nerve at birth - unfortunately can’t be fixed by laser eye surgery or contact lenses - I can’t read a number plate from 20 metres).

My sister has seen this thread and wants me to delete it FML

You are your own person ok. You can keep the thread if you like. Plus you are not responsible for your mother's feelings. Separating is a normal part of growing up, she - and you - will adjust.

Why would she have seen the thread OP?

Thanks, @IStillMissBlockbuster.

Wow, thank you so much, everyone for your responses.

This thread has been so helpful, and it really feels like I’ve got a huge weight off my chest. Thank you

@IStillMissBlockbuster my sister uses Mumsnet, and actually introduced me to it. We sometimes recognise each other’s threads

This thread is quite identifying, so I’m sure that’s why my sister recognises it.

Bump.