To LTB in New Year's Eve?

[mamagrinandbearit]

Long time poster who name changed recently after lots of posts about my OH and how difficult he was during my pregnancy, birth and early weeks of babies life.

I've realised I've made a really awful mistake in my OH. I don't regret my wonderful DS (now 7 months) for one second but so wish I had chosen a better partner and father. He was borderline abusive throughout my pregnancy and I wanted to end our relationship. He was horrendous during my long difficult birth and was barely there, constantly moaning about how long it was taking and pushing me to have a c-section. I had a natural birth eventually but had a short stay in TCU as DS was a little poorly.

OH was awful the first few weeks offering no support, constant arguments and criticism. I have pretty much raised DS alone to this point and found OH only a hinderance.

Over the last few months there have been a few big rows and I thought perhaps we had resolved our issues but over Christmas things have once again been very strained. We argued on Christmas Eve as OH was drunk and I got so upset I was sick. He has once again caused a huge row tonight.

We went for a few drinks with friends this afternoon and he suggested we pre order a takeaway for this evening that he would cycle to collect (5 minute cycle or 15 minute walk) I ordered the food and put DS to bed and OH (who had continued drinking at home) then said he would drive as it was cold. I told him that was a ridiculous idea and he stormed off saying he would walk in the freezing cold, he came back minutes later shouting that I didn't care if he froze and he was only trying to be nice etc etc.

I've calmly told him that I think our relationship is over and I will stay at my parents for a while whilst we sell our house etc. I really hope I can follow through with this. AIBU to make such a big decision right now?! I feel like I've been putting this off hoping things will be ok because I really didn't want this to be the outcome but I feel like I have no other choice.

Sorry for the long post. No one to talk to as everyone is off having a lovely nye!

Now is the perfect time to make the decision. New Year, new start.

But if he's drunk, is now the time to tell him?

If you're sure, then tonight is as good as any other time. In fact it's probably the best time! He sounds awful. And it's not freezing tonight, it's very mild. He's a wuss, a bully, and an attention seeking manchild. You're well rid. Well done.

I wish I had waited til morning to tell him but was scared I would lose my nerve. I need to just make this decision and follow it through. He is currently downstairs with a quilt on the sofa and I am upstairs writing a list of things to pack... which is huge. I can't physically leave now as DS is asleep and OH has point blank refused to go anywhere ever.

I think it’s clear to you that you need to leave.

It will be tough at times. I walked out on my ex husband with my son and it was he best thing I did. I’m so much happier now. However hard it gets just remember it’s better than bringing up a child in an environment with a difficult partner.

Wishing you a great fresh start in 2019!

Thank you. I am very grateful for the reassurance. He's such a brat. I half want to call his mum to come and get him. She's so bloody Interfering and constantly makes excuses for him. I'd love to see her explain this one!

I would tell him tomorrow. ONLY because the last thing I would want tonight is to be staying in with an abusive drunk who would shout all night long at me. Not saying don’t do it at all, but I’d consider waiting until the morning but that’s just me personally.

Oh sorry I missed the end part that you’ve told him already. I’d reiterate it tomorrow

Shinypink - did you ever regret your decision? Does your ex have a good relationship with your son? How old was your son?

I left my abusive partner before DD was born so although I can't compare as such I can 1000000% guarantee I am better on my own than I would have been with him. He sounds like a cunt and although it's scary well done for realising it. As PP have said new year new start, good luck with your new life you'll do great

I can feel my resolve melting already. I'm just so angry he is throwing away everything we have worked so hard to achieve, but keep reminding myself that I can rebuild a better life!

He has caused this with his attitude & behaviour. You cannot make him the man you need him to be. It cannot be done. Don't waste any more time and don't continue to expose your son to such appalling behaviour. This time next year, you'll be celebrating a whole new, happier & fulfilling life. All the best.

My son was two years old at the time. Now 7. I NEVER regretted my decision for one minute.

However unfortunately my son doesn’t have much of a relationship with his dad as I returned home when I left (other side of the world). His dad Skypes him from time to time and sends bday/Christmas gifts but they’ve not been in the same room as each other since I left. My ex is not willing to travel to see him.

However I’m now living with an amazing man who I know I’ll definitely be with forever (which deep down I always doubted with my ex-H). He’s an amazing father figure and my son loves him. So life is great.

I do feel bad I effectively destroyed his relationship with his dad by leaving however I’d have MH issues if I stayed in my marriage and ultimately that would not be good for my son.

If you two were quietly living in the same home, but not happy, I would say don’t make any big decisions in the first year.

The fighting and the drunk outbursts means that advice doesn’t apply.

He needs to show that he can control his drinking and his temper. Being separated can be a good way for that to happen. Perhaps the separation endanger in a divorce, perhaps it ends with finding your way back to one another. You have to give it real time though.

Make sure you take important documents and financial stuff. Clothes etc are inconvenient to replace, but relatively easy to do. Your financial stuff/passport/birth certificates less so.

I was initially a recluse when I got back home. Focused on getting a job and saving money for a mortgage here. I was single (by choice!) for four years and it did me the world of good. I was so happy I was resolved to stay single forever.

Then fate intervened and I met my soul mate.....

OP, don't bottle it. You don't have to live with his nastiness any longer. You will feel so much better. The thought of being alone is scary, the reality of living in peace without walking on eggshells is amazing.

Don't make a list. Pack the bag now. Get your things together. Do as much as you can tonight, in bags, ready to go. You can leave right now or once your ex is asleep. Baby is 7 months old, he won't remember.
Or set your alarm and go early before the abusive arsehole knows what is happening.
Are you going to your mum's? Call her tonight and tell her.
He clearly doesn't value you, he is showing you that by abusing you.

Picking up a small child, and walking away to make a better life is a scared thing to contemplate.

The good news is, actually doing it, although still a bit nerve racking, is also empowering, and even exhilarating.
Hard, but, if it needs doing, so worth it.

Use that anger.Dont stay, suppress it, and let it eat you up.
You deserve better. Your child deserves better.

I wish I could leave now but he owns the car so can't take that and I had a couple of drinks earlier so wouldn't want to drive the 50 mile trip to my mums anyway. My mum is on the other side of the world at the moment, I've messaged her to say I'll stay a little while but have told her not to worry. Will need to find someone to come and get us tomorrow but can't ask now as everyone is out celebrating, will probably be hard tomorrow with all the hangovers too!

My baby really does deserve better. I'd be so ashamed if he ended up like his father.

No you've done the right thing. Now you just need to leave.
I'd leave now, tonight while he's sleeping off the drink. Take DC and a bag and just go to parents. You'll feel better once you've made the decision and acted!

once you have told him you at the most potentially dangerous point. pack a bag for the immediate, but don't antagonise him until you have someone there to back you up and get you and the baby safely out of the situation.

I am thinking of doing the same OP. I haven't made a final decision yet. My DP doesn't sound as nasty as yours but he does go put his way to make every occasion/holiday/day out a fucking misery. Most days consist of arguments and him winding everyone up. It has been worse this last week because he's been off work. He does absolutely nothing around the house. Not sure I can put up with it anymore.

Good luck,I think you are definitely making the right decision.

Best of luck, OP. You know you're doing the right thing.
PPs are right to remind you to pack passport, birth certificates, marriage certificate. And any other documents that matter.
Take your own clothes that you really like, as many as you can sensibly pack. The baby will grow out of his stuff anyway!
You're being so sensible. Congratulations!

your doing the best thing possible for your child.

I have a 5 month old son and no man would come before him dad or not.

He should have been a better partner/dad because at the end of the day the only thing that matters is your child and bringing a child up in a non happy relationship is more damaging than only living with one parent.