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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To LTB in New Year's Eve?

56 replies

mamagrinandbearit · 31/12/2018 19:55

Long time poster who name changed recently after lots of posts about my OH and how difficult he was during my pregnancy, birth and early weeks of babies life.

I've realised I've made a really awful mistake in my OH. I don't regret my wonderful DS (now 7 months) for one second but so wish I had chosen a better partner and father. He was borderline abusive throughout my pregnancy and I wanted to end our relationship. He was horrendous during my long difficult birth and was barely there, constantly moaning about how long it was taking and pushing me to have a c-section. I had a natural birth eventually but had a short stay in TCU as DS was a little poorly.

OH was awful the first few weeks offering no support, constant arguments and criticism. I have pretty much raised DS alone to this point and found OH only a hinderance.

Over the last few months there have been a few big rows and I thought perhaps we had resolved our issues but over Christmas things have once again been very strained. We argued on Christmas Eve as OH was drunk and I got so upset I was sick. He has once again caused a huge row tonight.

We went for a few drinks with friends this afternoon and he suggested we pre order a takeaway for this evening that he would cycle to collect (5 minute cycle or 15 minute walk) I ordered the food and put DS to bed and OH (who had continued drinking at home) then said he would drive as it was cold. I told him that was a ridiculous idea and he stormed off saying he would walk in the freezing cold, he came back minutes later shouting that I didn't care if he froze and he was only trying to be nice etc etc.

I've calmly told him that I think our relationship is over and I will stay at my parents for a while whilst we sell our house etc. I really hope I can follow through with this. AIBU to make such a big decision right now?! I feel like I've been putting this off hoping things will be ok because I really didn't want this to be the outcome but I feel like I have no other choice.

Sorry for the long post. No one to talk to as everyone is off having a lovely nye!

OP posts:
newmumintown · 31/12/2018 20:41

I left my selfish abusive stbxh nearly 18 months ago with 3 children and whatever I could take with me. I have not one single regret. Ive gone from being an affluent sahm to a working mum on tax credits. My life has been a million times happier since I freed myself and my children from the misery of living with a man with no self control and an ego the size of the world. Please seek help from womens aid (who I think may have saved my life) and make your plans to leave as soon as you can. If not today or next week, then just make the decision that 2019 will be the year you break free from the anxiety of living with a man who makes you miserable and believes the world revolves around him. Be safe.

Frozenteatowel · 31/12/2018 20:47

This is the hardest part - getting ready and going. Here’s wishing you the strength to do what you need to do and for much happier and peaceful times ahead for you and DS. You are doing the right thing and I’m pretty certain you will be relieved once you have things in a containment situation. My only regrets in life are that I waited so long before leaving and that I wasted so many years of my life with a bastard. You and your DS deserve so much more.

Ellie56 · 31/12/2018 20:49

You can do it OP! Anything will be better than staying with this abusive arsehole.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2018 20:53

Don't forget to pack important papers, vital certificates, and bank records. You'll need those when you see a solicitor, which you'll want to do asap.

Do you have access to bank accounts? If so consider transferring a sum (but no more than half) to an account under your own name to avoid him cleaning out accounts. The amount you transfer will still be considered a marital asset.

Original poster
mamagrinandbearit · 31/12/2018 20:57

We aren't married. We have a joint account but it's pretty much all his money in there. I own half of our house. I have my own bank account with enough to get by for a while and I know my mum will let me stay. A part of me hopes a separation will help the situation but if it doesn't I guess it will prove I've done the right thing

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 31/12/2018 21:08

Have you got a key for your mum's house? I would pack essentials (birth certificate, passports) and ring a taxi. If it's safe to leave, go now.

RayRayBidet · 31/12/2018 21:12

Can you book train tickets or coach tickets to your mum's? Book online tonight and book a taxi to the station for the morning?

LavaLampLover · 01/01/2019 03:05

Leaving is the right decision. It's hard but well done. I wish you all the good stuff for this coming year :) you can go it

AdobeWanKenobi · 01/01/2019 03:27

I left ds's father on new years Eve. I knew if I didn't walk then I'd be stuck another year. Best decision I ever made. My life is a world away from what it was then.
Good luck. This is your year.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 01/01/2019 03:49

If it’s a joint account it’s not his money, it is both of yours. Transfer half to an account in your name or to an account that will allow you access to it. Quietly get your things together as PPs have suggested.

If you can, ring women’s aid and ask them their advice.

Is there anyone who can collect you? You don’t want an argument after drinks, so you could always ask the police to be there as witnesses when you leave.

I’m not in the uk but I know if there was any form of perceived danger where I live, the police would tell him very firmly that he is to leave until he is sober and a plan for going forward has been sorted out.

Weenurse · 01/01/2019 04:34

Documents, transfer half the money in the joint account.
Pack essentials, call a taxi and go while he is still asleep.
Potential for violence is always there and you don’t want to be prevented from leaving.
Anyone who behaved like that during labor is not going to improve their behaviour.
Good luck

Aprilsinparis · 01/01/2019 07:20

How are you feeling OP? Are you still leaving? Good luck with whatever you decide. I know how you feel.

DroningOn · 01/01/2019 07:52

Hope you're OK OP

Original poster
mamagrinandbearit · 01/01/2019 10:19

OH is full of apologies this morning and trying to get me to stay. Feel a bit weak as I've backed down. I feel like if I stay it's just until it happens again. Almost like waiting for things to get worse but a part of me hopes it might be better.

OP posts:
Grimbles · 01/01/2019 10:26

It won't get better.

Remember what you said: My baby really does deserve better. I'd be so ashamed if he ended up like his father.

nakedscientist · 01/01/2019 10:59

Leave when he is out or asleep, go to your mum's. It won't get better.

Aprilsinparis · 01/01/2019 11:23

OP it really won't get better. He will think you are just making empty threats from now on, if anything he will be ten times worse.

LakieLady · 01/01/2019 11:28

Oh, OP, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I do understand your change of mind though, it's a huge step to take.

Make sure that you have your "escape plan" in place for when the right time comes. Keep all the documents you'll need in one place where you can easily get your hands on them, enough cash for a taxi squirrelled away, a spare key for your mum's and so on.

When that day comes, you'll feel such a huge sense of relief.

Echobelly · 01/01/2019 11:29

He sounds very selfish and childish and as though he won't get any better. Anyone can make hollow promises, but he should be told it's too late he's blown it over the course of the last 7 months - the way he behaved during birth and newborn period says it all really. Good luck, and here's to a better 2017.

CripsSandwiches · 01/01/2019 11:33

He is a horrible person and father and and partner. The greatest gift you can give yourself and your son is to rid yourselves of this horrible man.

ChristmasFlary · 01/01/2019 11:36

There is no point threatening to do stuff i.e leave then not carry through with it as he won't take you seriously.

You need to make a decision to either leave or stay and be happy with the choice you make.

There's no point moaning about your situation when you have the power and means to do something about it.

JillScarlet · 01/01/2019 11:40

OP, there is a lot in your posts that suggests you want to be rescued: hoping his Mum will sort him out, hoping he will change, hoping ‘things will get better”.

They won’t. He is who he is. Abusuve, aggressive, unkind. He has ruined your pregnancy and birth.

It isn’t a fairy tale and it definitely won’t have a happy endings. The only person who can rescue you is you.

The longer you stay the weaker you become.

This time next year the script will be “he’s a good Dad, Ds adores him, how can I take Ds away from his Dad?”

Change the story NOW.

But actually I would bide my time, wait for your parents to get back, get some RL support, plan.

AnyFucker · 01/01/2019 11:45

Every time you make threats then don't follow through you are in a worse and worse position

He now knows you won't leave and all he has to do is wait for you to stfu and he can carry on treating you like shit. But just a little bit shitter every time.

JillScarlet · 01/01/2019 11:45

“it's a huge step to take.”

I do understand this, it is a huge step to take.

The thing is, staying in an abusuve relationship is also a huge step to take, though it doesn’t feel as if it is because it is the status quo.

But staying is a step that condemns you to increasing abuse, ongoing misery and the huge step of allowing your child to be brought up in an abusuve home.

You have already decreased your power by making a threat you don’t carry through.

Carry it through, but with planning.

When are your parents back?

pinkyredrose · 01/01/2019 11:49

He'll be sorry, it'll happen again, he'll be sorry again etc, etc, etc. He's been treating you like shit on his shoe for so long now, please don't let your resolve waver.

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