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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly fed up of DPs lack of 'oomph'?

62 replies

sailorcherries · 31/12/2018 16:11

I don't think iabu and this may possibly just be a vent, who knows.

When I first met DP we did a lot of things together - days out, nights out, going drives, hill walking etc. This all fitted in with his then shift work, my DS contact with his dad and my work/uni.

Fast forward almost 4 years and we are engaged, due to be married in April, have a DS together and own our own home. He is a good man, a good father and would never willingly hurt me or the kids. I love him but he isn't the man I first met and, frankly, if I had met who he is now we would have fizzled out very quickly.

When we met he was career driven but is now floating from job to job and he doesn't know what he wants. He did want to rejoin the armed forces but received a knock back (I was supportive of this). Then it was a similar job but civilian, again I supported but he never went through with it. Now he's looking at changing careers again because he can't settle.
He has no desire to do anything. When we have a rare child free day he wants to sit and watch TV, he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. It's the same when we have the kids, he doesn't want to do anything.
The latest straw being an invite to join myself and my family at a lunch tomorrow, the same lunch we've went to every New Year's Day for over a decade, and he has declined again. In the past he declined to visit his family, they are doing nothing this year and he just wants to sit and watch TV.

I think his lack of direction career wise, possibly regrets around leaving the forces, have knocked him and I try to be supportive but it's frustrating. As I said he is a good man, a kind man, a good dad and apart from this I couldn't fault him. However, the thought of spending my life with someone who has no go terrifies me. I don't want the same shit day in day out. I don't want to waste away in front of a TV. I do want to be with him, but I'm scared this will drive a wedge in the future. I feel like a bitch when I bring it up, as if I'm forcing him to do things. I don't want to be wines and dined 24/7 but I do want someone who is motivated and enjoys doing something. Aibuo utterly fed up of this?

OP posts:
FrenchSchnoodle · 31/12/2018 16:17

Have you actually explained all of the above to him?

Could he be depressed?

Original poster
sailorcherries · 31/12/2018 16:21

I have. Multiple times. He has no real reply.

He could be, yes. I think it's the armed forces rejection but I could slap him for that, figuratively of course. He joined when younger and left. Reapplied about 2 years ago and got an interview but never went through with it (I didn't find out until after that he never even cancelled the interview, he just never went!). Tried to reapply a few months ago and, quite rightly, was told no because of his track record.

OP posts:
B00kedEarly8 · 31/12/2018 16:43

Life is too short to spend it Infront of the TV ! My partner is completely the opposite to yours, we are always doing things, going places, which we love. Tonight, we have 2 things planned to do

Original poster
sailorcherries · 31/12/2018 16:44

That's fabulous B00kes but it doesn't really help with my dilemma.

As it's NYE and we have a toddler we weren't doing anything tonight regardless of this issue.

OP posts:
Pogmella · 31/12/2018 16:49

Hmm it's tough. I'm a bit naturally like this, a slovenly home bird. But I recognise that when people urge me to go out I don't regret it and left to my own devices I can end up in a bit of a funk. I think there's maybe no harm in that being his natural disposition but if he can't give your plans/ideas a go that's the issue.

B00kedEarly8 · 31/12/2018 16:56

Another example lots of my work colleagues didn't go to the Xmas party. My partner & I went and we enjoyed ourselves. We also do things separately too. Sometimes we plan 6+ months in advance, sometimes we do spur of the moment things. If he makes zero effort, his actions speak louder than his words....

SwedishEdith · 31/12/2018 16:58

Sounds like depression. Or loss of self-confidence in general.

As it's NYE, could you do a cheesy 'Things we'd like to do this year' list? Big and small. Give him some tangible objectives?

TotesEmoshTerri · 31/12/2018 17:00

Just part of getting older. You don't want to be on the go all the time. I think Edith has the right idea of working on a list together. That way he can slob sometimes but work on your list together too.

brusselsproutfan · 31/12/2018 17:01

My DH was like this so me and my DD started to just go everywhere on our own. Cinema, fetes, picnics, days out, shopping, we always went on our own. The only thing he would come on is holidays.
It's so frustrating isn't it?
I felt like a single parent and thought I may aswell be a single parent.
He bought himself a camper van about 4 years ago and has been better.

IdblowJonSnow · 31/12/2018 17:06

Well I wouldn't bring it up this eve but he sounds depressed if he used to like doing stuff. I have more 'go than the rest of my family inc. The kids. It's hard. If he literally never wants to do anything it would be a deal breaker for me. Ask him what he does want to do in ny and try and make a plan together?

gendercritter · 31/12/2018 17:08

I don't much like when people on here suggest depression in every situation but it sounds like he could well be depressed. If he is there is help available. I would be driven mad by a partner like this so I hope he can get some support or help in 2019. Life is too short to spend it in front of the tv

OliviaStabler · 31/12/2018 17:10

When he finally goes out somewhere does he actually enjoy himself?

thefinn · 31/12/2018 17:10

It does sound like depression. I can imagine it's hard for you too. Does he refuse to talk about the situation? sorry that came off wrong. English is not my 1st language. The list honestly sounds like a good idea.

Missingstreetlife · 31/12/2018 17:11

Tell him, it can't go on.

OneStepMoreFun · 31/12/2018 17:13

It does sound like depression to me too. Tell him you want him to come to the lunch and then tell him you want him to plan some outings with you and DC for January. Let him know it would make so much difference to you - make you feel so happy and close to him if he did (better that than explaining the opposite.)

arranbubonicplague · 31/12/2018 17:13

If it's not depression, this lack of anhedonia and/or apathy can be spirit-crushing and depressing the quality of life of people around the person affected.

It seems to affect men in particular and it doesn't improve. You may have some hard thinking ahead as to whether your relationship is sustainable or if you're happy to leave very independent lives while maintaining the bond.

Balibabe1 · 31/12/2018 17:14

I can really relate to what you say, in fact have just returned from a two hour walk alone as my precious H has a sniffle and having spent yesterday floating around in his dressing gown sofa surfing (although miraculously managed to drink beer and binge watch Luther until 2am) was horrified after the 500m walk to the shop I intended for us to walk round the lake etc. Once the shopping was put away he declared he was “lightheaded” and needed a sit down 😡. So I flounced off.

Now it’s not that I’m unsympathetic to a cold but he never moves, in fact he gets twitchy when the remote is out of sight. I’m just fed up of living life like a pensioner, the kids are grown and flown so at 45 the world is our oyster.

I’m sorry I can’t offer any solutions but just wanted to share you are not alone. And in my H case it’s not depression it’s acute laziness, it’s like dragging a skulking teenager out when I do get him to join me and then halfway round he declares it’s nice to be out. I just breed resentment hat I’m left with a big child.

Try and do something for you, and hopefully seeing how happy you are may motivate him to join in?

Yabbers · 31/12/2018 17:20

Another example lots of my work colleagues didn't go to the Xmas party.

I didn’t go to mine. I enjoyed myself doing other things.

Aridane · 31/12/2018 17:25

poster B00kedEarly8

I really don't think your 'look at me' / my super active husband / our busy lifestyle can possibly help the OP!!

Motoko · 31/12/2018 17:25

You need to talk to him again and warn him that the marriage won't go ahead if he doesn't sort himself out. First stop, the GP to see if he's depressed.

Don't marry him if nothing's going to change. Tell him if he was like this when you first met, the relationship wouldn't have lasted.

Motoko · 31/12/2018 17:27

So, @B00kedEarly8 do you actually have any advice to give the OP?

B00kedEarly8 · 31/12/2018 17:30

My previous partner after a few years changed from doing things together, to spending ALL his free time on his computer. I went out to do other things including my hobbies. As I said, my new partner and I do things together and separately. We both enjoy traveling, gigs, days out etc. My new partner is 180 degrees opposite to my ex. So there is definitely more to life !

B00kedEarly8 · 31/12/2018 17:33

Advice, give him a chance to change. If no change, you have your answer. I didn't want to spend the next 50 years in the same situation, so I made my exit, to a new wonderful life !

Verbena37 · 31/12/2018 17:36

I think it might be deeply linked to leaving the forces.
My DH left and has become quite similar to your DH.
When he left, after 20+yrs, he had no support from the army. No counselling etc.
I think he would have transitioned more easily with better support.

Check out combat stress for support for you or him. If he isn’t keen, you can call them and chat about ways in which he can help himself out of depression (if he is depressed).

MissCharleyP · 31/12/2018 17:36

My DF can be like this - drives DM mad! She spoke frankly to him and told him they may as well not be together as he never wanted to do anything, he had been (a bit) better since.

Did he say why he never went to the interview? Perhaps say that you’d like to do something together at least one day a week, even just a walk to get a coffee? Ask him what he wants career-wise. If there’s anything he’s interested in, could he retrain for that while working?