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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly fed up of DPs lack of 'oomph'?

62 replies

sailorcherries · 31/12/2018 16:11

I don't think iabu and this may possibly just be a vent, who knows.

When I first met DP we did a lot of things together - days out, nights out, going drives, hill walking etc. This all fitted in with his then shift work, my DS contact with his dad and my work/uni.

Fast forward almost 4 years and we are engaged, due to be married in April, have a DS together and own our own home. He is a good man, a good father and would never willingly hurt me or the kids. I love him but he isn't the man I first met and, frankly, if I had met who he is now we would have fizzled out very quickly.

When we met he was career driven but is now floating from job to job and he doesn't know what he wants. He did want to rejoin the armed forces but received a knock back (I was supportive of this). Then it was a similar job but civilian, again I supported but he never went through with it. Now he's looking at changing careers again because he can't settle.
He has no desire to do anything. When we have a rare child free day he wants to sit and watch TV, he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. It's the same when we have the kids, he doesn't want to do anything.
The latest straw being an invite to join myself and my family at a lunch tomorrow, the same lunch we've went to every New Year's Day for over a decade, and he has declined again. In the past he declined to visit his family, they are doing nothing this year and he just wants to sit and watch TV.

I think his lack of direction career wise, possibly regrets around leaving the forces, have knocked him and I try to be supportive but it's frustrating. As I said he is a good man, a kind man, a good dad and apart from this I couldn't fault him. However, the thought of spending my life with someone who has no go terrifies me. I don't want the same shit day in day out. I don't want to waste away in front of a TV. I do want to be with him, but I'm scared this will drive a wedge in the future. I feel like a bitch when I bring it up, as if I'm forcing him to do things. I don't want to be wines and dined 24/7 but I do want someone who is motivated and enjoys doing something. Aibuo utterly fed up of this?

OP posts:
CatnissEverdene · 31/12/2018 17:37

I really wouldn't get married while you're feeling like this.

Time for a frank honest talk.

He needs to make an effort. You get one shot at life. As a thought, life in the forces tends to be very structured and regimented - and people don't really need to think for themselves, just follow orders. Perhaps he's struggling with how to manage himself?

As an immediate solution, give the TV away. Or do as a friend did and cut the plug off.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 31/12/2018 17:46

Sorry, OP, but I wouldn't marry him unless and until you seem solid proof of change over time... enough so you're convinced he means it.

I suspect it won't happen, though. Good luck.

kimikoglenn · 31/12/2018 18:11

Hi OP.

I used to be a bit like your other half, I felt a bit purposeless and lost that urge to do anything much. Like you, my ex called me out on it but it didn't really change much, it just made me feel worse about myself so I do feel for both you and your DP here. Looking back it probably was situational depression.

I dont have much advice really except that having a job I really love gave me purpose. I think you're on the right lines that this might be at the crux of the issue.

DanielleEvans · 31/12/2018 18:18

I think you are currently incompatible and that needs to be sorted ideally with a compromise.

I'm a 'home bird' and like nothing more than chilling in front of the TV, I work full time, have 2 kids, run a home and do the vast majority of house hold chores due to my DH's ill health.

It's really nice to do something occasionally and have something to look forward to but most of the time I'm knackered due to my lifestyle and don't actually want to go out. It works for us though as my DH is also happy with this.

TornFromTheInside · 31/12/2018 18:25

Classic depression - I was was similar.
It's a difficult cycle to break and you can't just argue it away, even with logical thought.

I can't say there is any guaranteed cure, but here's a few ideas:

  1. Make him feel like me makes you feel special, especially on days out - activities. 'That was fantastic', 'let's do something whacky and drive to Brighton / Blackpool wherever' - the sort of stuff you'd have done as young lovers,

  2. Promote a hobby - football, music, whatever he might be into

  3. Get a babysitter and go and see some bands (if you can afford it)

  4. I'll get flack for this, but libido's a part of it too - make him feel sexy. A man who doesn't feel sexy feels inadequate in many other ways too.

  5. The man he was is still in there... buried maybe, but it's still there. Try and see glimpses of it. Might not be easy, but try.

  6. Surprise him. He is in a rut, and that can often cause you to fall into one too and that's a downward spiral. Send him a sexy text, buy an icecream when you see a van, kiss him when he's not expecting it.

I know a lot of this in on you, and not him, but that's the nature of depression. He probably needs a helping hand out of it - but one that doesn't feel like an obvious 'pull your socks up' attempt.

Sarahandduck18 · 31/12/2018 20:28

Sounds depressed

Original poster
sailorcherries · 31/12/2018 22:26

We had a sort of talk tonight, mostly because I became so fed up of the 'sitting enjoying a paid for lunch is too ugh' lines he was spouting.

He feels stuck in a rut. He is nearing 30 but is still struggling with his life and what he wants. He is, seemingly, more than happy at home and with the kids and impending marriage but career wise he is so deflated.

He had always dreamed of being in the forces, made it for a few years as a young boy (joined at 16) but home sickness got the better of him and he's floated from job to job since. He never went for the interview because he was scared of that home sickness feeling again and now regrets it daily because it was his last chance. He has a good job but it isn't where he wants to be despite not knowing what he apparently wants.

I've told him I don't expect to do something every minute of every day but even joining me on a walk or day out to the park with the kids would be great. I know my opening post made it seem like I was all go but I'm not. I enjoy a healthy balance.

Thanks for making me seem less like a moany bitch Smile

And b00ked I'm glad your partner is so fantastic that you can't help but float, however my work night out had a no partners rule and, quite frankly, your smug attitude made me disregard anything else you wrote.

OP posts:
Verbena37 · 31/12/2018 23:06

Hi again,
It’s great that you talked and positive that he at least seems happy with family life and his involvement...even though it doesn’t appear balanced.

Past 28, there isn’t a chance to rejoin the Forces is there? Could he instead do a similar job (for example, communications/logistics/land systems etc)? What area does he work in now?

Original poster
sailorcherries · 31/12/2018 23:29

He doesn't have a chance to rejoin because of leaving and then being a no show at an interview, he buggered it up.

Unfortunately he doesn't have the qualifications to make it in to another line of work without further study and, at the moment, he isn't sure about that. The other job was the merchant navy, similar but the time away and conditions could be worse than the forces.

OP posts:
Verbena37 · 01/01/2019 00:03

Ah I see.
He’s maybe just a point (before he turns 30) when he is feeling unsure about the future. Not being happy at work isn’t easy and makes you question where life is going etc.

Have you asked him what stuff he would like to do for himself? Is there a sport on tv he enjoys watching that he could watch or do in real life etc?

Original poster
sailorcherries · 01/01/2019 00:42

He enjoys rugby, so I got him some tickets to a few games as part of his Christmas.

I think it is his career, or what he perceives to be the lack of career. Hopefully he finds something and comes back to life a little.

OP posts:
SignOnTheWindow · 01/01/2019 03:21

What was it about the forces that particularly appealed to him? The camaraderie, clear career progression, sense of adventure? Perhaps identifying some points might help him with where to go next...

Sashkin · 01/01/2019 03:34

So many men seem to experience this in their early 30s. They settle down, maybe have children, and then think “I’ve done nothing with my life”.

DH certainly struggles with it (well paid job but emotionally unrewarding job), as do most of his friends when they all sit down and have a heart to heart about it. It doesn’t help that many of their wives DO have vocations/jobs they are excited about (I’m a doctor which takes over everything, other female friends are counsellors or high-fliers in finance or otherwise very much into their jobs).

DH feels better for being dragged out to do things. He wouldn’t want dragging out to a family meal because he finds them a pain at the best of times (his family as much as mine), but he is always happier when I’ve forced him out for a daytrip or a run or something.

MarcieBluebell · 01/01/2019 03:41

I think *booked was only saying it can be different.

I think in life if your plans aren't realised you can go through regret and a grieving process. I went through this as after training illness meant I couldn't do the job I wanted. I think he needs to come to acceptance that for whatever reason the armed forces wasn't meant to be. I don't think it would necessarily provide him happiness anyway. Acceptance was key for me.

He needs to see that he hasn't failed and is still young. Does he have many friends? He seems a bit isolated. I think men, once they have a family unit can become a bit lonely.

I definitely think excersise is always brill. Could he enter a charity run to train for?

losingmymindiam · 01/01/2019 04:59

Could he join the TA? Don't know much about it but he could do it part time and then when he has proved himself again he might be able to go more full on? It might give him a focus?

NewPapaGuinea · 01/01/2019 06:53

Has he considered joining the forces as a reserve (if he’s able to because of his “track record”)?

itsboiledeggsagain · 01/01/2019 07:07

Police?

Fluffymullet · 01/01/2019 07:18

So many men seem to experience this in their early 30s. They settle down, maybe have children, and then think “I’ve done nothing with my life”.

@sashkin

This. My DH feels he has failed at life despite having a great job and being highly educated. When I ask him what it would take for him to feel successful he doesn't seen to know.

I think this mindset is definitely a low self esteem thing and boosting that helps. It's draining though as a partner....

TotesEmoshTerri · 01/01/2019 12:49

That's because historically and biologically men have basically just gone round impregnating women over and over. Now that we don't do things that way, it can leave men feeling a bit at a loose end, a bit like us at menopause. Building up some solid reliable hobbies seems to be the solution for the happiest older people I know.

Isleepinahedgefund · 01/01/2019 13:42

I think it’s important for you to realise that you can’t change this for him, he has to change it himself. You can’t make him change it either.

He needs to be proactive. HE need to go and see the doctor. HE needs to explore career choices.

You need to think about what’s acceptable for you in the long term. Will you be fine with it if he’s behaving the same in 10 years? Do you want to enable him for that long?

I think the PP who gave the example of her mother telling her father that they might as well split up has it right. Her mother looked forward and gave due consideration to her own wants and feelings. Happily, her father chose to join in rather than let it all go.

Motoko · 01/01/2019 14:00

How long are you willing to give him, to sort himself out? You really shouldn't get married to him until he has, or you're going to find it more difficult to leave.

Postpone the wedding.

SaucyJack · 01/01/2019 14:11

Stop asking if he actually wants to do these things. Just tell him what the event is, and when you both need to be there.

Attending family occasions isn’t a choice here. It’s quite rude to stay at home and watch TV rather than go to a planned family event.

B00kedEarly8 · 01/01/2019 14:56

Over time I've seen people moan for years about how unhappy they are with their job or their partner or their life. There are 2 sorts of people, one who makes an effort to make changes and one who does nothing and nothing changes. Some people are really afraid of change. I've experienced lots of changes in my life, some imposed and some voluntary. My life is currently pretty good. However, like anyone else it's had its ups and downs. I was lucky to find a new partner, new job, new other things. It depends what your perspective on life is, if I'm not happy, I do something about it. That was the point I was trying to make. You can't always change other people, but you can make positive changes for yourself !

TotesEmoshTerri · 01/01/2019 16:19

It’s quite rude to stay at home and watch TV rather than go to a planned family event.

And eventually you get to a point where you don't give a rat's proverbial how "rude" people think you are Grin Life is too short

FamilyOfAliens · 01/01/2019 16:25

There are 2 sorts of people, one who makes an effort to make changes and one who does nothing and nothing changes.

You don’t seem to know much about human nature if you think there are only two kinds of people in the world.

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