To feel utterly fed up of DPs lack of 'oomph'?

[sailorcherries]

I don't think iabu and this may possibly just be a vent, who knows.

When I first met DP we did a lot of things together - days out, nights out, going drives, hill walking etc. This all fitted in with his then shift work, my DS contact with his dad and my work/uni.

Fast forward almost 4 years and we are engaged, due to be married in April, have a DS together and own our own home. He is a good man, a good father and would never willingly hurt me or the kids. I love him but he isn't the man I first met and, frankly, if I had met who he is now we would have fizzled out very quickly.

When we met he was career driven but is now floating from job to job and he doesn't know what he wants. He did want to rejoin the armed forces but received a knock back (I was supportive of this). Then it was a similar job but civilian, again I supported but he never went through with it. Now he's looking at changing careers again because he can't settle.
He has no desire to do anything. When we have a rare child free day he wants to sit and watch TV, he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. It's the same when we have the kids, he doesn't want to do anything.
The latest straw being an invite to join myself and my family at a lunch tomorrow, the same lunch we've went to every New Year's Day for over a decade, and he has declined again. In the past he declined to visit his family, they are doing nothing this year and he just wants to sit and watch TV.

I think his lack of direction career wise, possibly regrets around leaving the forces, have knocked him and I try to be supportive but it's frustrating. As I said he is a good man, a kind man, a good dad and apart from this I couldn't fault him. However, the thought of spending my life with someone who has no go terrifies me. I don't want the same shit day in day out. I don't want to waste away in front of a TV. I do want to be with him, but I'm scared this will drive a wedge in the future. I feel like a bitch when I bring it up, as if I'm forcing him to do things. I don't want to be wines and dined 24/7 but I do want someone who is motivated and enjoys doing something. Aibuo utterly fed up of this?

You don’t seem to know much about human nature if you think there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are two types of people in the world: those who understand that and those who don't.

“Life is too short”

No, life isn’t too short to not let perfectly decent family and friends down if they’ve gone to a lot of trouble and expense to put a party or dinner on at Christmas.

Grow up, and you’d realise that.

No, life isn’t too short to not let perfectly decent family and friends down if they’ve gone to a lot of trouble and expense to put a party or dinner on at Christmas.

Letting people down by not attending things you'd promised to attend is a different world to being "rude" by saying no to invitations to pointless family events.

According to the star signs, there are 12 types of people. Obviously, the 2, I described were at the 2 extremes. Life is too short, especially if you have seen people pass away before their expected time, that kinda puts life into perspective...

According to the star signs, there are 12 types of people.

Sounds like mild depression. If the rest of your relationship is good then this can get better. Be very clear that things need to change and at some point he will need to pick himself up and get moving again, but in the meantime be as supportive as you can. Don't go overboard with suggestions - let him figure out for himself how to change things. The change will be more lasting that way. Do what you can to cheer him up without interfering (rugby tickets sound good). In the meantime invite him to join you and do stuff regularly, but if he declines then do it by yourself anyway. He should understand that you need to get out and about sometimes. I agree that he should make the effort to go to occasional family events even if he isn't feeling up to it.

Thanks everyone.

We had another chat and he did say it was due to his impending 'big' birthday and lack of direction career wise.

I'm not going to postpone the wedding, or end our relationship, because I know this isn't the person he is. He is a good man, loving and caring and a good dad; this lack of oomph, however frustrating, isn't him and will hopefully work out once he is content with his job.

And if it doesn't? He needs the motivation to change his job to one he does like. Is he looking? Does he even know what job he will be happy in?

He is looking yes. He likes his current job but has gone as far as he can go.
He isn't sure what he fancies but knows it's not where he is.

However joining the forces early means he has no further qualifications (highers, advanced highers, HNC/HND and so on). This has never bothered me but I know it makes him not apply for roles, despite having other experience.

Well, perhaps he should look into getting some qualifications in something he's interested in.

If he liked the physical activity and camraderie of the army but not the time away from home, could one of the civilian services be for him - police, fire etc...?

Nuclear or transport police are also an option.