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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mum being ungrateful?

77 replies

AtleastItried · 31/12/2018 13:31

It’s my mums 60th birthday soon. My brother & I booked for us all to go on a weekend citybreak as a surprise and told her at Christmas but she’s upset because her birthday is the Tuesday and we’ve booked the trip for the Thursday-Sunday, so we’re not actually away for her birthday.

She was expecting to go away for a week, and thinks that my brother isn’t willing to take time off work for her (he’s a contractor, and doesn’t get paid when he takes time off, so there is a little bit of truth that he’s reluctant, especially as he won’t have been paid for 2 weeks at Christmas, but he’ll be taking the Thursday and Friday off anyway). Regardless of what we’re doing and how long for, the same amount of effort has been put in by us both to research where to go and where to stay, reading reviews etc to make sure that it’s a nice trip, and of course I planned to do something on her birthday too, but it is not what she was expecting and has caused a big argument.

Was I way off in booking the trip? Admittedly, a long time ago I had talked about trips a bit more exotic, but I thought it would be nice to be all together and to pay for her, and not once did she raise the subject of what we should do.

OP posts:
costacoffeecup · 31/12/2018 13:32

Yes she's being extremely ungrateful!

SoyDora · 31/12/2018 13:33

Very ungrateful.

Consolidateyourloins · 31/12/2018 13:34

She sounds unhinged. Will she get over it or will you need to cancel?

MinorRSole · 31/12/2018 13:35

Ungrateful, I would be delighted by what you've described

Original poster
AtleastItried · 31/12/2018 13:39

She’ll get over it, and we’ll go and have a nice enough time I’m sure. But at the moment she feels like we’re saying that she’s not worthy of a whole week off for her.

OP posts:
bananasandwicheseveryday · 31/12/2018 13:40

Yes. She is. Extremely.
I hope that when I reach 60 (fewer years away than I'd like), that if my family decided to treat me to any celebration, I would not be so ungrateful. I would never expect to be taken away and to cause an argument over whether it happens on the day or not just seems so self-centered to me. Due to dc2 work pattern, it hasn't always been possible to see him on mine, or Dh, birthdays. And do you know what? It just makes it all the more precious when we do get together. Your mum is very lucky.

Poing · 31/12/2018 13:43

A celebration is a celebration, and it doesn't matter to me which day it falls on, whether it is on my birthday or a month later.

Being precious over one day leads to disappointment and tanties, in my experience, and usually that behaviour is exhibited well by adults.

peachypetite · 31/12/2018 13:44

I would be disappointed to not be away for my birthday itself.

Original poster
AtleastItried · 31/12/2018 13:49

Thank you Poing. You are right that she is being prescious over the one day as she wants to right some wrongs of years gone by

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 31/12/2018 13:49

She's 60, not 6. She has no business sticking her bottom lip out just because the trip just misses the actual day of her birthday (by a matter of some hours). Ungrateful mare.

Flights/hotels/travel arrangements mean trips aren't always possible on the ideal date.

If a toddler was being so ungrateful the parent would tell them they're not going.

But......I do wonder if she has some anxieties related to travel/going away and is projecting these into the trip feeling like it's a huge deal and 'all wrong'.

llangennith · 31/12/2018 13:53

I'm well over 60 and just grateful if any of my DC make the effort to spend time with me on the day. My birthday is a week before Xmas but they always manage to arrange something and I always get given a birthday cake.
Your DM is being U to expect a full week away but try to see her on her actual birthday too.

Fairyliz · 31/12/2018 13:54

I am 60 soon and would love it if my DC's arranged something like this.

Surely once your children are grown up and working you don't really expect them to take time off for your birthday?

isseywithcats · 31/12/2018 13:54

your mom is being a bit ungrateful for my 60th i was working on the actual day being mid week so i booked a table at the restaurant i work at for the saturday for family and two friends and as i did the inviting i paid for everyones meals they just had to turn up and pay for their own drinks, the fact that i get 50% staff discount helped

thebaronetofcockburn · 31/12/2018 14:00

WTAF? What kind of an entitled twat excuse of a parent acts like this to their own kids over their fucking birthday? That's so self-absorbed and ungrateful and mean-spirited it's incredible.

She sounds like a toxic, narcissistic cow and I'd cancel the entire thing and tell her to go sling her hook. Yep, I would!

I suggest you get over to the 'But We Took You to Stately Homes' threads because it sounds like you've got an emotionally abusive witch for a parent.

GhostSauce · 31/12/2018 14:01

She's being ridiculous.

CripsSandwiches · 31/12/2018 14:01

Unless you had promised her a week away in an exotic location then yes she's being ungrateful. A weekend away is a big celebration, lots of people would just have family round for some cake.

Biker47 · 31/12/2018 14:02

I can't stand adults who get precious over their birthdays, I'd be telling her to fuck off and she doesn't have to go if it's that much of a hardship.

DeepanKrispanEven · 31/12/2018 14:03

FFS, she's being ridiculous. Most people are perfectly happy with a meal out with their family or a one-off party for big birthdays like this: being taken away in addition to having a celebration on the day is fantastic. When she queries why she wasn't worth being taken away for a full week, ask how how many of her friends were taken away at all for their 60th birthday.

I wouldn't particularly want to be away on the day of my birthday anyway - travelling or navigating my way around an unfamiliar city is all great, but it's not really a celebration. I'd rather have a celebration on the day and still have all the fun of looking forward to the trip.

Original poster
AtleastItried · 31/12/2018 14:04

She’s still my mother, no need for the expletives

OP posts:
llangennith · 31/12/2018 14:09

Well said atleastitried

Saracen · 31/12/2018 14:13

Yes, she is being ungrateful.

I do think she has the right to be a tiny bit disappointed if you previously had hinted that a more exotic trip was on the cards. She should do her best to hide her disappointment about that.

MumW · 31/12/2018 14:16

What is it with adults and birthdays and, in particular, having to do things on the actual day. Of course you expect a card, text,call on the actual day but going away or for a meal just near the time when convenient.

Apparently, it is now a thing in some companies where you get you birthday as fixed annual leave. Hmm

thebaronetofcockburn · 31/12/2018 14:16

I have teenagers who regularly have their birthday celebrations on the weekend before or after their actual birthdays because their family and friends have, you know, real life in the way sometimes during the week on the day their birthday falls - school in exam years, college, jobs, other commitments - but a 60-year-old throws her teddies out the pram over her birthday? Just wow.

thebaronetofcockburn · 31/12/2018 14:17

Exactly, Mum. So immature it's laughable.

Bumbledop · 31/12/2018 14:18

It sounds like you have gone to a lot of effort for your mother op. She sounds a bit ungrateful tbh. Is she normally like this? Could it be that she’s a bit grumpy about something and be taking it out on you without realising? I sometimes get a bit grumpy around my birthday and I’m not sure why!!