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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my mum being ungrateful?

77 replies

AtleastItried · 31/12/2018 13:31

It’s my mums 60th birthday soon. My brother & I booked for us all to go on a weekend citybreak as a surprise and told her at Christmas but she’s upset because her birthday is the Tuesday and we’ve booked the trip for the Thursday-Sunday, so we’re not actually away for her birthday.

She was expecting to go away for a week, and thinks that my brother isn’t willing to take time off work for her (he’s a contractor, and doesn’t get paid when he takes time off, so there is a little bit of truth that he’s reluctant, especially as he won’t have been paid for 2 weeks at Christmas, but he’ll be taking the Thursday and Friday off anyway). Regardless of what we’re doing and how long for, the same amount of effort has been put in by us both to research where to go and where to stay, reading reviews etc to make sure that it’s a nice trip, and of course I planned to do something on her birthday too, but it is not what she was expecting and has caused a big argument.

Was I way off in booking the trip? Admittedly, a long time ago I had talked about trips a bit more exotic, but I thought it would be nice to be all together and to pay for her, and not once did she raise the subject of what we should do.

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 31/12/2018 15:12

Cancel it and keep your money for yourselves. She sounds like an ungrateful childish brat.

SushiMonster · 31/12/2018 15:13

I’d be rethinking the entire thing if this is how she’s acting.

Original poster

AtleastItried · 31/12/2018 15:17

There are other things that have triggered the response but I will never fully understand it. Unfortunately many of her friends are in more privileged positions and have been away for their milestone birthdays which hasn’t helped. Interesting to hear other perspectives, thanks

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 31/12/2018 15:18

You are right that she is being prescious over the one day as she wants to right some wrongs of years gone by

Another one here who will see that birthday in a few years - less than I'd like anyway.

Is this a birthday she had flagged up as wanting to do something specifically on the day or make into a family holiday? Or does she feel her birthday has been lacking in the past? It just seems such an odd reaction to me, expecting adult children to take a week off work for a birthday (even a milestone type).

SallyWD · 31/12/2018 15:29

At 60 years of age I wouldn't be so precious about my birthday. My mum would be over the moon if my brothers and I arranged something like this for her. I think she'd probably cry with happiness. We've never done this, only arrange meals out etc. We should!

ReflectentMonatomism · 31/12/2018 15:31

thinks that my brother isn’t willing to take time off work for her

I wouldn't, and never have, take a day off work for any adult's birthday.

We went away for my mother's and then my father's seventieths which (a) we did at the weekend adjacent - in fact, thinking about it, Mum's probably further than that and (b) they paid for the whole group (about ten people).

Demanding your children take a week off work for your 60th birthday is crazy. Getting upset when you only get half of that is bizarre. If I were the OP I'd cancel, because there's almost certainly going to be more drama.

Iamdanish · 31/12/2018 15:32

Maybe she doesn't want to be in on her birthday that may be understandable.
But unless she has taken you and your db away for a week or two for your big celebrations, she is being very, very unreasonable.
I wouldn't want my dcs ruin themselves for that. And for your db the gift is double both the holiday and the missed income.
If it were me, I would suggest paying the trip and they could give the hotel or car rental. If she cannot afford this, then demanding it from you is CF'ry.
You are being nice, good luck.

Buunylover · 31/12/2018 15:41

So ungrateful, I'm 60 in June next year, one of my sisters is taking me to Krakow in March and my other sister is taking me to The Lakes in April to celebrate my 60th because neither of them can have time off in June. I am so grateful to both of them, you won't see me kicking off !.

abacucat · 31/12/2018 16:27

Sixty is a pretty landmark birthday.

lazyarse123 · 31/12/2018 16:38

My dd took me to Edinburgh for two days for my 60th, two months after the event. I was so grateful. One son didn't acknowledge it ( didn't expect him too) he's an arse. Other son just bought me flowers and i was grateful for that. You need to tell your mum how hurt you both are and ask if she wants you to cancel and just go for a meal on the day.

diddl · 31/12/2018 16:52

"Sixty is a pretty landmark birthday."

And OP & her brother are taking their mu away for a few days.

What do people want these days??

abacucat · 31/12/2018 17:08

I agree though that her mum should not have said anything. But personally I would not like being alone on my 60th birthday. Being alone on key days just reinforces any loneliness you are feeling anyway in your life.

diddl · 31/12/2018 17:11

" But personally I would not like being alone on my 60th birthday. "

But something is also planned for the day.

Even if not, she could always do something with a friend on the day.

Madamum18 · 31/12/2018 17:12

Unreasonable I think. Sure she will enjoy it when it happens! Some parents wouldn't have anything as lovely as what you have arranged done for them; she needs a gentle think-on!!

ButteryParsnips · 31/12/2018 17:18

she wants to right some wrongs of years gone by

What does this actually refer to, OP? How has she been wronged?

fc301 · 31/12/2018 17:18

You may be defensive of her but she has behaved appallingly. I would cancel.

Original poster

AtleastItried · 31/12/2018 17:25

Not going to go into detail. But some milestone birthdays have just been ones you’d rather forget

OP posts:

abacucat · 31/12/2018 17:27

Something has been planned for the day - missed that, Then she is VU.

Veganforlife · 31/12/2018 17:30

Bloody hell..your mum is nuts.no one has ever done anything like that for me ..I don't think she has any idea how lucky she is

pigsDOfly · 31/12/2018 17:37

She's being extremely silly and massively ungrateful. It's a birthday fgs she needs to grow up.

In your shoes I'd be very tempted to cancel the whole thing.

I've just had my 70th. We went out for cocktails and dinner. It was a lovely evening and I had a great time. Not all my DCs were able to be there - small baby - but sometimes it works out like that.

It's such a shame that your mum is being like this over the timing when she should be delighted at such a lovely get together.

Bluelady · 31/12/2018 17:39

I spent my 60th birthday at work. She's bloody lucky.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/12/2018 17:59

She’s still my mother, no need for the expletives

Fair enough, I'm sorry.

But I would feel deeply ashamed to behave the way your mother behaves. And the thing I don't understand is, why does your mother decide that her own feelings are so important, while your feelings and your brother's feelings don't matter at all?

It's not OK for your mother to be so unkind and dissatisfied when you and your brother have tried to be kind and generous. That doesn't right any past wrongs, it makes matters worse. It sounds as if you and your brother are trying to fill a bottomless pit. She still has choices and she's just going to end up a lonely old woman if she keeps going.

BlancheM · 31/12/2018 18:21

'I can see you're very put out and upset, I will understand if you choose to stay at home. Me and bro have painstakingly organised and paid for the trip however so we will go and make the most of it.'

We did this for my dad one year as he is impossible to buy for. Face like a slapped arse and complaining about not liking travelling the whole time so the next year was back to socks and sweets.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2018 19:33

Just to put the other side - was this a complete surprise?

Not everyone responds well to surprises.

Madamum18 · 31/12/2018 19:37

baronetofcockburn..."She sounds like a toxic, narcissistic cow and I'd cancel the entire thing and tell her to go sling her hook. Yep, I would!"

...are you serious. What a completely over the top and unhelpful comment!!!¬ Dear dear me!

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