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Original poster

Is my mum being ungrateful?

77 replies

AtleastItried · 31/12/2018 13:31

It’s my mums 60th birthday soon. My brother & I booked for us all to go on a weekend citybreak as a surprise and told her at Christmas but she’s upset because her birthday is the Tuesday and we’ve booked the trip for the Thursday-Sunday, so we’re not actually away for her birthday.

She was expecting to go away for a week, and thinks that my brother isn’t willing to take time off work for her (he’s a contractor, and doesn’t get paid when he takes time off, so there is a little bit of truth that he’s reluctant, especially as he won’t have been paid for 2 weeks at Christmas, but he’ll be taking the Thursday and Friday off anyway). Regardless of what we’re doing and how long for, the same amount of effort has been put in by us both to research where to go and where to stay, reading reviews etc to make sure that it’s a nice trip, and of course I planned to do something on her birthday too, but it is not what she was expecting and has caused a big argument.

Was I way off in booking the trip? Admittedly, a long time ago I had talked about trips a bit more exotic, but I thought it would be nice to be all together and to pay for her, and not once did she raise the subject of what we should do.

OP posts:
Frozenteatowel · 31/12/2018 14:18

Ungrateful. If DD and SIL booked a trip like that for my birthday I’d be over the bloody moon at such a lovely present. Whether it was on the actual day or not doesn’t matter imo.

Iloveacurry · 31/12/2018 14:18

She’s being childish and very ungrateful. She can’t honestly expect everyone to take a week off for a birthday.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/12/2018 14:21

We had a week’s holiday for my mum’s 60th. She paid for everyone. Only saw her for an hour on her actual birthday because it was a Tuesday so we had work/school. Yanbu.

girlwithadragontattoo · 31/12/2018 14:23

I think it's a lovely idea. My mum is 60 next year and lives in a different country to me so i won't see her and i won't be able to afford a present either, but she's fine with that

DroningOn · 31/12/2018 14:23

Incredibly ungrateful.

Entitled CF!

cuppycakey · 31/12/2018 14:25

YANBU

She is being very ungrateful and selfish. Is she always like this?

I am in my fifties and would be so delighted with a trip like this from my adult DC. She sounds like a petulant toddler. I would be inclined to cancel the whole thing if it isn't to madams liking.

Breakfastofmilk · 31/12/2018 14:26

She is being extremely ungrateful.

You are right that she is being prescious over the one day as she wants to right some wrongs of years gone by

I can kind of sympathise with this, I had a couple of years of truly terrible birthdays (think close family member dying) and I did get a bit anxious and want to make sure the next few years were good but I did that by making sure I had low key but enjoyable plans that were unlikely to be disrupted. If you and your DB can't be with her on the day can you encourage her to make another plan with friends or other family that she would enjoy?

BrightStarrySky · 31/12/2018 14:26

Your mum is so lucky to have such caring children and I find her reaction really shocking. I can’t fathom it. She needs a hige reality check.

Cherries101 · 31/12/2018 14:29

How do you normally celebrate her birthday? If you and your brother never bother on the day itself but only on the nearest day available to you, then she has a point.

winsinbin · 31/12/2018 14:33

Oh dear. That is a very odd reaction to such a lovely gesture.

Holidayshopping · 31/12/2018 14:35

Goodness, yes-that’s very ungrateful!

Is this out of character for her?

frazzledasarock · 31/12/2018 14:36

For some people their birthdays are a massive deal.

Think maybe you’re mum is one of those people.

For my SIL’s birthday, we ensured she received a massive bouquet of flowers and chocolates and a balloon on her actual birthday, then on the weekend we went for a meal (her choice of restaurant) with gifts so she felt really spoilt. Because it means a lot to her to have her actual birthday acknowledged. DP doesn’t get it and thinks his sister is being unreasonable.

I get it (tho don’t feel the same about my own birthdays), and really try to make sure SIL is treated in her actual birthday. Mainly because I do love her very much and she’s really lovely.

Could you reassure your mum you both want to mark her actual day and send her flowers and text her etc on the day so she knows she is important to you?

It’s a big deal to her, so I’d make and effort. It’s how she feels loved and valued.

Yulebealrite · 31/12/2018 14:37

Yes she's ungrateful. But did you raise her expectations too much previously? That might be a reason even if it's not an excuse.

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 31/12/2018 14:42

Very very ungrateful and shockingly rude. What you have arranged sounds lovely, anyone in their right mind would be thrilled.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/12/2018 14:42

Straight back at her. Mum, we've gone to all the trouble of finding this trip and booking this holiday for your birthday, now you're saying it's not good enough for you because it's on the wrong day and it's not long enough. Well you've really hurt DBro's feelings with what you've said about it and he's really upset. So make your mind up - do you want to go on this holiday or not? If you want to go then apologise to DBro and we'll go ahead. If not we'll cancel.

OK, she's your mother, but I'm two years younger than she is and I can't imagine being such a bitch.

SleepWarrior · 31/12/2018 14:51

That's a bit of a kick in the teeth for you, wow. Unless she's generally moany and ungrateful then I would suspect she is upset/anxious about something bigger than just this. Still, very childish and would make me really cross if it was my relative Blush

I hope you can get the air cleared and an apology before you go so the trip isn't soured.

Maelstrop · 31/12/2018 14:53

Does she often throw tantrums to control you?

I think she's being incredibly unfair, particularly as your db needs to earn money and will have lost lots with 2 weeks off over Christmas.

MumW · 31/12/2018 14:53

In a few less than I'd like years, I'll be delighted if my DC/DH went to the trouble of arranging a few days away. I'd be upset, though, if I thought it caused them any financial loss.

Hell, I'll be over the moon if the DC came home for the weekend before/after my 60th so we had all the family together.

Just looked and my 60th actually falls on a Sunday but I'd still be ok with the weekend before or after.

Trudstrundr2 · 31/12/2018 14:55

At 60, sounds like she has yet to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her & other people have commitments and lives to juggle too.
Or was she once normal and she's regressed in her older years - forgotten what working life, raising kids is like?

Ungrateful is putting it politely. I'd personally be cancelling and saving the cash and annual leave for friends/family who don't have a prima donna mentality.

diddl · 31/12/2018 14:56

Must be tempting to cancel tbh.

She's 60-only 5yrs older than me!

She must have an idea how hard it is to get to get time off work!

If 2days is all he can do or tbh wants to do then that's his decision.

Would she rather that he did none?

saoirse31 · 31/12/2018 14:59

Very rude of her.

Hiphopopotamous · 31/12/2018 15:05

I would cancel on principle that she is ungrateful and causing arguments about it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2018 15:06

"You are right that she is being precious over the one day as she wants to right some wrongs of years gone by"

Not sure what you mean by 'right some wrongs' OP?

Notatallobvious · 31/12/2018 15:08

She’s being an ungrateful cow. I’d be tempted to cancel the trip altogether if it was me!

katseyes7 · 31/12/2018 15:11

l'm 60. Could l come instead, please? l'd be very grateful.