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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just go?

59 replies

chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 12:02

DM is 80 and we had arranged to go to an old-time event on NYE. Not my thing but I have nothing else to do and was more than happy to go. We were going with a small group of her friends.
This morning she tells me she is worried I won't behave myself, that I will embarass her by doing X in public, please can I control myself and not do it. She couldn't sleep with worrying about my possible behaviour. X is basically something that I have never ever done, but it is something that I have been scapegoated with for years (typical big family stuff). Alcohol related (I barely drink), and something I always get tarred with even though I've never been like that.
I know it's trivial but this has really upset me and I just don't want to go.
I feel hurt and deflated and just won't relax.
I now have an 80 year old lady upset and begging me to come.
I'm not being childish, I'm not sulking or taking my ball home. I just feel hurt and sad and can't shake the feeling.
Am I being mean for upsetting her by not going? She is an old lady and we love each other but I just feel so upset this historical crap still comes up. Am I stamping my foot?

OP posts:
Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 12:04

Just to add that I am married to a drunk (I have left him) and I am really aware of alcohol and people's behaviour, so always watch myself and others.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 31/12/2018 12:07

Go (and have a good time).

Speak to her calmly about this another time.

(Also I have found that my mum can 'go on the attack' when she's anxious herself. Could this be happening here? We have had words about it Grin)

Maelstrop · 31/12/2018 12:11

Why is she telling you not to do something which she must know you didn't do originally? And now begging you to come? Were it me-mum is 80, extremely fit and able, has a better social life than me, total PITA-I'd tell her I wasn't coming.

CurlsLDN · 31/12/2018 12:11

Hi op, I can completely understand why that would be upsetting for you! You have clearly fought hard to keep your head up and behave well despite the poor behaviour of those around you. It must be really hard to be tarred with the same brush none the less.

I think though that your DM believes what has been said about you. Have you ever had a calm and honest conversation with her and explained your truth? If not, I can understand why she'd believe what the majority say.

Please try to rise above it, as you have done so far. Tbh it's easy - you weren't going to do the thing, so no problem there! Crack on and enjoy the evening with your mum, and perhaps make it your new year's resolution to have that chat with her next year.

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 12:12

Yes, I think you may be right about the anxiety.
I come from a long line of drunks and am one of the very few in my family that doesn't have a drink problem.
It's just so unfair. So many years of getting crap for something. My hard drinking siblings never get this. It has really upset me today.

OP posts:
Henrysmycat · 31/12/2018 12:12

I think you should go but she should put a stop to such rumours if she wants you there.
I say that as “the family party animal that drinks and slept with random men”.
I’ve been married for years, I’ve never had a one night stand and I’m watching my health so a cocktail is my absolute max but hey! A stupid comment that had no base in truth stuck on me like mud.

CoughLaughFart · 31/12/2018 12:23

Tell her that you won’t give in to emotional blackmail and that, if she was that desperate for you to come, she shouldn’t have been dishing out warnings and ultimatums. Too many people use ‘But I’m old...’ as a get out of jail free card.

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 12:31

@Henrysmycat you have almost hit the nail on the head! She has such a poor opinion of me but would never say anything to my siblings who have done the "bad" stuff.
There is no dementia in case anyone asks. She is crying in the kitchen but I just feel so deflated.

OP posts:
4strings · 31/12/2018 12:36

Leave her cry.

She may be 80 but her behaviour is truly awful.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2018 12:40

If I were you I wouldn't even consider going. It's high time you separate yourself from all of these toxic people in your life. Start the new year off on your terms.

blackteasplease · 31/12/2018 12:48

I wouldn't go either.

KM99 · 31/12/2018 12:55

It doesn't matter if she's 40 or 80. She's not treating you with respect. I hate the notion old people get some kind of pass in their behaviour. It's B.S. And really with her emotional blackmail "she couldn't sleep with worry". Urgh.

If it were me I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that a) it's the last time you will remind her you've never done X and b) if she ever brings it up again then you will be doing nothing with her at all.

Stompythedinosaur · 31/12/2018 13:17

I wouldn't go either after that. What a mean thing to say to you!

HildaZelda · 31/12/2018 13:35

I wouldn't go. I'm NC with my mother now (for numerous reasons, mainly because she continues to deny childhood abuse) but this exactly the way she is too.
She also trots out the 'you respect your elders' mantra every 5 minutes.
You respect people who respect you, nit purely because they're your mother or because they're older.

My brother is the golden child too OP, so I can completely understand where you're coming from.
Don't go.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2018 13:37

If there's nothing in what she’s saying then I really can’t undersrand you getting worked up about it, unless it’s something she says every time and it’s just worn thin.

I’m not quite sure why there has to be such drama really. An eye roll and a comment to remind her that she’s getting you confused with X, Y and Z and a brisk “now, shall I put the kettle on?” to change the subject.

It’s possible that she is upset at having upset YOU. Why these replies calling her toxic, saying she’s giving you ultimatums.

Such needless drama...

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 13:45

It's something she says quite often. It is still hurtful, 35 years of it has got me down. I'm mid 50s now and it's still unfair.
I do agree that there are no ultimatums, and she isn't toxic. She knows I am upset and keeps apologising but I've lost heart in going.

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CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2018 14:03

35 years! So it IS wearing thin! Don’t blame you after that long. Out if interest, what is it that she is worried you’ll do? is it a silly concern that is more irritating than hurtful, and you can look at it as such?

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 14:16

Basically drink too much, make dirty jokes, flirt and sleep with random men. Be offensive, upset and insult people. Cause problems between couples by flirting.

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CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2018 14:36

And you have never done any of that? Not once? Because that’s preposterous if she is accusing you of that with no basis whatsoever, and is surely warrants a laugh at her expensive. If you have been like thaton only one occasion in your life as a teenager or something then you can just say something along the lines of “this again? Have we not moved on to another source of gossip now, 30 years after the event? What about the time you rmbarrsssed me by X, Y, Z? I could bring that up every time we go anywhere but that would just be so ridiculous after all this time, do you not agree? And, frankly, tedious to hear for the 100th time. Time to change the record, I think, Mum, don’t you agree?”

If she does it again, start going on loudly to her friends about a time she was embarrassing.

Handprints2018 · 31/12/2018 15:10

I think you need to take a stand to all these people (whether its now or the next time) to shut them up for good.

What did she say when you said how wrong and unfair she was? Bursting into tears can be manipulative, do you think this is?

itswinetime · 31/12/2018 15:15

So she is saying she is worried you are going to drink to much and embarrass her possibly my coming on to married men/having a one night stand. Which is something you have never done? And yet she has been accusing you/implying this is your regular behaviour for 35 years?

I wouldn't go there is a reason you are the one she scapegoats/says these things too and that is because you letter. I'm betting your siblings would have none of it? It's not acceptable so stand up for yourself. Explain calmly that you find this opinion she has of you very upsetting and you don't want to socialise with someone that thinks like that about you.

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 15:21

I don't think she's manipulative. She just can't keep her mouth shut and has a very low opinion of me.
She keeps coming in and asking me to go with her. She is upset and sorry and I feel so sorry for her but I'm so tired of being the shit one in the family.

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sonjadog · 31/12/2018 15:23

I think I’d say that if she thinks all those things, it’s just as well you will be staying at home this evening. And then leave her to it. Maybe she’ll keep her mouth shut in future.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2018 15:25

But you’re not the shit one in the family from what you’re saying. It’s all in her head, if I’ve understood you correctly?

Maybe I’m just not getting it. I just don’t understand how a total ridiculous fabrication could cause so much upset. There must be other things to this.

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 15:30

There is often a scapegoat in a big family. It's always been me in mine. I live in a different country and see my DM four times a year. I wasn't an angel when I was young, but I never did any of that. I come from a line of drunks and am one of the few without a drink problem. My situation is a lot like that of @Henrysmycat.

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