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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just go?

59 replies

chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 12:02

DM is 80 and we had arranged to go to an old-time event on NYE. Not my thing but I have nothing else to do and was more than happy to go. We were going with a small group of her friends.
This morning she tells me she is worried I won't behave myself, that I will embarass her by doing X in public, please can I control myself and not do it. She couldn't sleep with worrying about my possible behaviour. X is basically something that I have never ever done, but it is something that I have been scapegoated with for years (typical big family stuff). Alcohol related (I barely drink), and something I always get tarred with even though I've never been like that.
I know it's trivial but this has really upset me and I just don't want to go.
I feel hurt and deflated and just won't relax.
I now have an 80 year old lady upset and begging me to come.
I'm not being childish, I'm not sulking or taking my ball home. I just feel hurt and sad and can't shake the feeling.
Am I being mean for upsetting her by not going? She is an old lady and we love each other but I just feel so upset this historical crap still comes up. Am I stamping my foot?

OP posts:
Handprints2018 · 31/12/2018 15:40

So keep you in line and all the drunks happy, your dm joins in and promotes this nastiness towards you? Don't feel sorry for her, feel sorry for you. You have had this all your life, is it time to take a stand?

Isn't there a chance (if they are all like this) you'll get comments tonight too from her or her friends?

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 15:49

She's 80. She might not be here next year. She's very upset and apologetic and I'm in tears feeling sorry for myself. I am ruining her night for something she was really looking forward to. She's not saying that, I am.
This group of friends don't know me enough to make comments. It's just that she needs to warn me not to behave like a nasty drunk when I'm not.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 31/12/2018 15:50

If you feel that bad about it, then go.

Thymeout · 31/12/2018 15:52

Oh please don't be mean and stamp your foot over this. She's 80. You only see her 4 times a year. You'll regret not going when she's no longer around. Whatever your resentment, and however justifiable, this isn't the time to make a stand.

There comes a time when there's a switch in parent-child relationships and the child takes over and looks after the parent, instead of the other way round. I think this is it for you and your mother. Time to be the grown up.

YouTheCat · 31/12/2018 15:54

Can she not get one of your 'better' siblings to take her then, just in case you're horribly embarrassing?

Tbh, she sounds like a right twat and she doesn't deserve you.

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 16:01

@Thymeout that's exactly what I feel like I am doing but I am just so down about it.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 31/12/2018 16:01

I think you'll find you were looking forward to the event with your mum and she ruined the evening by name calling/slandering you and is now upset because you won't be a good girl and forget about it.

Hefzi · 31/12/2018 16:02

Honestly, OP, I feel you on this (I'm also the drunken man-eating oneConfused- there is zero reason for this belief). That said, I would take yourself off for a bath or a walk or something, to decompress, and then go. Your mother is 80. She's not going to change, though I would continue to call her out on this every time, for your sake. But I think, if you end up not going, you might end up beating yourself up about it when it's too late.

I just left my parents a week earlier than planned. My mother is never going to be the mother I wish she was, and she's never going to admit the things she's done wrong, or apologise, so I will never get the validation I want from her. That's OK - I can validate my own feelings. And I remind myself, when she's needing to be buried in a shallow grave, that I will suffer the guilt when she is gone, and either remove myself or close the conversation down immediately.

It sounds like you've also had it up to here with your mum, both generally and right now, over this issue. Honestly - have some time to yourself, cry if it makes you feel better, and then get your glad rags on and go out with her. Flowers

woolduvet · 31/12/2018 16:02

Does you mum have a problem with drink.

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 31/12/2018 16:13

Yes, a slight one. Almost everyone does in my family.

OP posts:
MortyVicar · 31/12/2018 16:34

I don't think you have to go. This isn't a one off, but it's the straw that broke the camel's back. Why do you have to be the one who always has to suck it up, be the bigger person, let it go, say nothing?

She has a low opinion of you? The advantage of that is that you have nothing to lose. Let her feel the consequences of her (many) actions. But tell her straight why, don't let her think it's just this one occasion.

Thymeout · 31/12/2018 19:07

I think you're probably as cross with yourself as with your mother. It's shown you that you still have vulnerabilities and that's a depressing thought in middle age, when you're meant to have sorted whatever caused you grief in earlier years.

She must be kicking herself, too. But perhaps there's a silver lining. It's out in the open now. Rise to the challenge, do your best to make the evening a success and perhaps tomorrow the two of you can make peace about the things that have bothered you in your relationship all your life. It's tough being the mother of a big family and being even-handed with a large brood with different needs. Hopefully you're wrong about her opinion of you and she'll be able to reassure you of how proud she is of you and how much she values you as a daughter.

Good luck!

LavaLampLover · 31/12/2018 19:11

It sounds like you got tarred with someone else's bareush and it's stuck and people can't remember it genuinely wasn't you.

Sugarformyhoney · 31/12/2018 19:13

I wouldnt go. Your mum is sorry because she’s missing out on her evening, not because she’s unfairly judged you and made you upset. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but I think some parents can say/do to their adult children what they want, in the same way they did when they were children.
I’d draw the boundary and tell DM you don’t feel like it now. She needs to understand the impact of her behaviour

HeebieJeebies456 · 31/12/2018 20:22

Basically drink too much, make dirty jokes, flirt and sleep with random men. Be offensive, upset and insult people. Cause problems between couples by flirting
So basically you get the blame for your siblings behaviour and they get off scot-free?

Why, when after 30 odd years of this shite, are you still taking this shit from her?
All this 'but you only see her a few times a year/she might be dead by next year' is emotional blackmail designed to keep you trapped in the vicious cycle.
Why not have it out with her?

She has obviously never really given a damn about your feelings, even now after deliberately upsetting you and knowing how upset you are she's still pestering you to come out.
Her 'upset' at you not going with her won't be anywhere close to how upset you've been over the years as a result of this slandering.

The fact that you're the only non-alcoholic in the family speaks volumes about why they've consistently picked on you - jealousy.
They're not strong enough to beat the addiction, they see you easily able to say 'no' to that lifestyle and they just have to hurt you in order for them to feel better about themselves.

It's sick, it's twisted.
YOU deserve better.
Having it out with her and refusing to tolerate and accept anymore of this shit before she dies would be a good idea.

Cel982 · 31/12/2018 20:31

Maybe I’m just not getting it. I just don’t understand how a total ridiculous fabrication could cause so much upset.

Because it's her mother, Curly. One of the people in life who should always have your back, and build you up instead of tearing you down. Or at the very least, not perpetuate offensive lies about you for decades.

BMW6 · 31/12/2018 20:58

Why is it OK for her to come out with this shite but you are made to feel guilty by saying stuff it?

It rather sounds as if these people are projecting their own drunk behaviour onto you.

I wouldn't go, too bad if she's upset - she didn't consider your feelings, and old age is no excuse for belittling your child.

Wondering333 · 31/12/2018 21:16

I think Thymeout offers good advice. So sorry you’ve been so badly treated but now sounds like the time to have that open discussion with your mother. Good luck and I hope you have a good NYE whatever you decide.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2018 22:09

Cel982

But it’s so ridiculous that it’s not even worth paying any attention to, IMO. The only upsetting thing to me would be that I would no longer respect anything that came out my mother’s mouth. And I think it’s quite an upsetting thing to deal with in itself, realising that your own parent speaks a load of crap and isn’t the font of all wisdom that you thought as a child.

I think this becomes more apparent as your parent gets older. Their judgment changes, they can’t weigh up situations the same. They blow little things up into massive deals. And they just say things that just go against everything that you believe in. My own dad is in his 80s and we nearly fell out over Brexit.

Of course when it’s something personal and not political, for example, I can understand how it’s potentially more hurtful. But if you try and lump it into the bracket of “pathetic ideas that my elderly parent has about the world which does not even deserve my attention never mind my angst” then maybe you can maintain a relationship.

I tend to make a joke about stuff these days. Eg in your position I might have gone out on the night out and halfway through the night checked with her that I wasn’t embarrassing her and then again at the end, all done in a very tongue in cheek rather sarcastic way.

What did you do in the end, OP?

pineapplebryanbrown · 31/12/2018 22:54

To be unjustly and probably publicly and repeatedly accused of things you are innocent of is awful and very hurtful. I agree she's crying because she's missing out, also she's probably shocked you haven't shrugged it off like the other million times.

I have a very difficult and selfish mother myself. I would go and the next day tell her honestly how very much she has hurt you for so long with such ridiculous lies. Be firm and make sure you ask her whether it is her intention to hurt you or not. Also, unless you warn her not to she will probably go to all your siblings behind your back about this. Tell her if she does you will have to conclude that she did mean to be hurtful.

Maelstrop · 31/12/2018 22:57

Have you actually challenged her about her ridiculous misconceptions, OP and asked her to stop talking nonsense?

ChrisjenAvasarala · 31/12/2018 23:00

What does she say when you challenge every point she makes with the actual facts? What does she say when you ask for an example of each behaviour she describes?

twoundertwo54321 · 31/12/2018 23:12

Perhaps you are taking it too personally. If everyone else in your family gets too drunk it may be that she is anxious about a family member going with her and friends that don't know the family. To me it sounds like she hasn't really thought through that actually you aren't like that, it's the others she would have to worry about. She's projecting her worries about the family in general onto you and how you might behave.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2018 23:58

Yeah, maybe two has it.

Either way it’s worth challenging her and asking to give examples. If she can’t think of any or gets you mixed up with another family member then you can lump her comments on wjth the “too ridiculous to bother with” kind

Troels · 01/01/2019 00:25

Thats crazy that she's been accusing you of this stuff for your adult life and you don't do any of it. She has made her bed and now has to lie in it. Doesn't matter if she's 80. She was bloody rude.
I hope you stayed home. I wouldn't want to meet her friends if thats the kind of thing she says about you, chances are they believe her.

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