Should I just go?

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

DM is 80 and we had arranged to go to an old-time event on NYE. Not my thing but I have nothing else to do and was more than happy to go. We were going with a small group of her friends.
This morning she tells me she is worried I won't behave myself, that I will embarass her by doing X in public, please can I control myself and not do it. She couldn't sleep with worrying about my possible behaviour. X is basically something that I have never ever done, but it is something that I have been scapegoated with for years (typical big family stuff). Alcohol related (I barely drink), and something I always get tarred with even though I've never been like that.
I know it's trivial but this has really upset me and I just don't want to go.
I feel hurt and deflated and just won't relax.
I now have an 80 year old lady upset and begging me to come.
I'm not being childish, I'm not sulking or taking my ball home. I just feel hurt and sad and can't shake the feeling.
Am I being mean for upsetting her by not going? She is an old lady and we love each other but I just feel so upset this historical crap still comes up. Am I stamping my foot?

All this 'but you only see her a few times a year/she might be dead by next year' is emotional blackmail designed to keep you trapped in the vicious cycle

This.

Absolutely refuse to give into her toxic emotional blackmail. Any one of us could drop dead tomorrow, so that's no excuse to play the age card in order to spew poison.

Do not go to the party with her. She made her bed, she can lie in it.

So did you go?

You'll regret not going when she's no longer around

I hate this sort of nonsense that always comes up on these threads. No, OP wouldn't regret not going if she decided not to. Because it would have been a perfectly rational, sensible decision. The possibility that you might die next year cannot be a free pass for awful behaviour, particularly towards your own children.

Let me get this straight. She is warning you not to 'drink too much, make dirty jokes, flirt and sleep with random men. Be offensive, upset and insult people. Cause problems between couples by flirting' when you have never done these things. She has been saying this to you for 35 years. Yet she never says this to your siblings who do do those things, and she also has a drink problem herself.

OP, no wonder you're ground down and worn out. She may live for another for 10-15 years.

You need to start putting in place boundaries, starting with now. Don't go the NYE thing, and tell her that if she ever falsely accuses you of these things then you won't go out with her again.

If you are the parent now as pp are telling you, then you need to not reward bad behaviour. Going to the NYE thing would be rewarding bad behaviour.

And do the same with your siblings and rest of the family.

I am also the scapagoat in my family, so I understand.

Did you go?

@Consolidateyourloins er, you do know that NYE was yesterday?

Did you go OP? Sorry this happened, I would have been really upset. Hopefully you had a nice night either way.

Did you go? What happened?

@Motoko who cares, the advice is still valid