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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DP to stay elsewhere when he comes back very late?

56 replies

RubyWho · 31/12/2018 00:37

I genuinely can’t work out if I am BU but this has been a source of many circular arguments for months.

I have a MH condition that means I find it difficult to sleep, and, that when I have had little or no sleep, said MH condition worsens. Sleeping pills are hit and miss and I only like to use them in extreme circumstances (eg if I’ve gone five days without proper sleep.) sleeping pills knock me for six and mean I’m a zombie the next day, and cannot function properly. Hence why I take them as a last resort.

DP is very noisy when he comes home late, and if he’s been drinking, is even worse - eventually coming to bed and snoring very loudly. When he does this, I can’t get to sleep. It’s affecting my health and work.

I’ve asked him, several times, that if he goes out and wants to come back at 1;2,3,4am, to please make arrangements to stay elsewhere. He’s usually out in London, we live outside of London. There are several places he could stay (with friends - who always offer). DP argues that he doesn’t want to put his friends out.

We don’t have a spare room for him to sleep in when he comes back late. He sometimes sleeps on the sofa but makes such a racket coming back and snores so loudly (when drinking) that it makes no difference.

AIBU or do I shut up and put up? This happens about 1-2x a week, and means I’m losing two nights of sleep a week.

This has been triggered by him doing this again this evening. He woke me up by failing to get the door open and is now loudly stomping about the bathroom.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 31/12/2018 00:38

Yanbu.

FetchezLaVache · 31/12/2018 00:42

YANBU.

I understand he doesn't want to put his friends out, but why should you be put out instead?

I really sympathise OP, I have an underactive thyroid and am on shit form the next day if I've not had decent sleep. Can you try to compromise on a combination of him sleeping on the sofa and you using wax earplugs next time he's out on the lash? Or can you afford for him to stay in a Travelodge or similar, if it's not a frequent occurrence?

Corbynscat · 31/12/2018 00:44

YANBU

Why is he going out getting drunk to the point of crashing about at least twice a week though

Kintan · 31/12/2018 00:44

This is a tricky one OP. I totally get where you are coming from but don’t think you can ask that from him if he pays half the rent/mortgage. But why does he have to be so noisy when he comes in?That would really annoy me. My DH is a snorer too, especially when drunk, but luckily we have a spare room from which I can only sometimes hear the snoring!
How old is he by the way - 1-2 nights during the week drinking until he is drunk does seem quite excessive!

Original poster
RubyWho · 31/12/2018 00:45

It’s frequent enough that we couldn’t really afford a hotel - tonight was a big blow out and I’ve known about it for weeks and even offered to pay for him to stay in a hotel in London, which was refused.

Eat plugs sometimes work but either he’s so bloody loud I can hear him or, he’s not and I slee through my alarm! Argh!

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 31/12/2018 00:45

Once or twice a week, that’s shit. If it was once a month or less then I might say work around it, get him to sleep on the sofa etc but that often, no, he needs to sort out an alternative.

Original poster
RubyWho · 31/12/2018 00:46

He’s 37. He gets drunk maybe half the time but honestly it doesn’t make much difference to the coming back late and noise. I think he’s just a naturally noisy person, loudly coughing, taking 40 min dumps when he comes in (TMI sorry) and using the bathroom generally.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyWho · 31/12/2018 00:47

Because he can - he’s - apparently - able to function on a hangover and minimal sleep the next day at work.

OP posts:
UnicornSlaughters · 31/12/2018 00:47

Yanbu, he's being utterly selfish.

If he can't be a considerate drunk then he shouldn't be going out so much.

TheSmallAssassin · 31/12/2018 00:48

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Even without your MH condition it is beyond selfish to come in several times a week in the early hours and wake up your partner. I would be fuming!

FetchezLaVache · 31/12/2018 00:49

I missed the part about it being once or twice a week when I read your OP!!! Shit. And he's 37??

UnicornSlaughters · 31/12/2018 00:51

Next time he goes out deadbolt the front door/put the chain on/leave your key in the lock and take your sleeping pills...

Original poster
RubyWho · 31/12/2018 01:00

LOL.
I did this once and he slept in his car. I had zero sympathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyWho · 31/12/2018 01:01

Yep. Soon to be 38. He’s been doing this for a while. He doesn’t always drink and tbh that’s not the issue - he’s noisy and late regardless.

OP posts:
AlwaysSomethingThere · 31/12/2018 01:12

He sounds like a right irritating twat

KeepServingTheFestiveSnogs · 31/12/2018 01:12

At this level of frequency, you are DEFINITELY NBU!!!

If it was (say) 3 times a year, you'd get your arse handed to you and be told you need to deal. But this many times a WEEK!!!! No, that's not fair.

Original poster
RubyWho · 31/12/2018 01:16

Thank you! I don’t object to him going out at all and I am NOT trying to be controlling, but there’s a limit surely.
One of the reasons he’s out and back late so frequently is due to one of his hobbies with several of his friends. He tends to drive but if they finish up at 11ish, he still isn’t back until well gone midnight. I want him to maintain his hobbies and friendships but I also don’t want to risk my job from poor performance due to tiredness and my health.

He is now sleeping on the sofa and I know I’m up for the next few hours. Grim.

OP posts:
HauntedPencil · 31/12/2018 01:18

I would much prefer to sleep at a friends than come home!

I don't think you are being unreasonable especially if friends are offering.

We get snoring here and it's horrible.

Original poster
RubyWho · 31/12/2018 01:19

Would like to make it clear that if he’s driving he obviously doesn’t drink.
He’s also floated the idea of us moving back to London so that he is able to go out and be back sooner but this absolutely wouldn’t work for many, many reasons (I don’t defecate money).

OP posts:
LavaLampLover · 31/12/2018 01:19

If he's not willing to do any of the reasonable things which would enable you to stay fit and healthy at the expense of his stupid drinking/ incapability to creep about quietly like a decent person, then he doesn't deserve you, OP.

I've told my OH that if he wants to go clubbing once a month on whatever that Id prefer he stays with a friend after because I can't deal with the disruption and the reek of alcohol (makes me retch) and I'm also super uncomfortable with drunk people (past experiences I guess).

It's not unreasonable. He needs to grow up and have an adult conversation about it with you.

Original poster
RubyWho · 31/12/2018 01:21

The snoring is SO awful and is just starting up now. Oh good...

OP posts:
makingmiracles · 31/12/2018 01:23

I sympathise as my dp does the same, only it only ever is once or twice a year, usually when he’s been at a works do.

However I could not put up with that twice a week! Can you try earplugs/eye mask? I use those when I’m tired and dp wants to watch the tv.

Original poster
RubyWho · 31/12/2018 01:24

@LavaLampLover

My ex was a frequent heavy, violent and aggressive drinker and I have the same anxiety and bad feelings that you have. The alcohol breath from him when he comes back genuinely makes me panic.

DP is an idiot (as if in buffoon) when pissed but isn’t violent or aggressive but it still makes me unconfortable, which he’s aware of. I can’t very well ask him to stop drinking though due to my past (bad) experience but I sometimes which he’d bear it in mind. Moot point, he’s as loud and disruptive if he’s been drinking beer or if he’s been drinking water!

OP posts:
category12 · 31/12/2018 01:28

What does he say about it? Whats his reason for being OK with waking you/keeping you awake 2 nights a week when it has such an impact on you?

Original poster
RubyWho · 31/12/2018 01:32

His argument is:

  1. I should take sleeping pills (see original argument re why I can’t/won’t)
  2. He has the right to come and go as he pleases, because he pays rent too
  3. He doesn’t want to put his friends out
  4. Me being a light sleeper isn’t his fault and something I should seek more treatment for (Argh!)
  5. His social life is important to HIS mental health
  6. that he doesn’t think coming back late (when not drinking) is unreasonable.

As an aside, I’m v good friends with his sister and she confirms when they both lived at home post uni, he would pull this shit and his parents eventually had enough and would deadlock the door. He slept at friends houses or in the car, which is apparently fine when you’re 23 but not when you’re 37????

OP posts: