AIBU to ask DP to stay elsewhere when he comes back very late?

[RubyWho]

I genuinely can’t work out if I am BU but this has been a source of many circular arguments for months.

I have a MH condition that means I find it difficult to sleep, and, that when I have had little or no sleep, said MH condition worsens. Sleeping pills are hit and miss and I only like to use them in extreme circumstances (eg if I’ve gone five days without proper sleep.) sleeping pills knock me for six and mean I’m a zombie the next day, and cannot function properly. Hence why I take them as a last resort.

DP is very noisy when he comes home late, and if he’s been drinking, is even worse - eventually coming to bed and snoring very loudly. When he does this, I can’t get to sleep. It’s affecting my health and work.

I’ve asked him, several times, that if he goes out and wants to come back at 1;2,3,4am, to please make arrangements to stay elsewhere. He’s usually out in London, we live outside of London. There are several places he could stay (with friends - who always offer). DP argues that he doesn’t want to put his friends out.

We don’t have a spare room for him to sleep in when he comes back late. He sometimes sleeps on the sofa but makes such a racket coming back and snores so loudly (when drinking) that it makes no difference.

AIBU or do I shut up and put up? This happens about 1-2x a week, and means I’m losing two nights of sleep a week.

This has been triggered by him doing this again this evening. He woke me up by failing to get the door open and is now loudly stomping about the bathroom.

@RubyWho I'm sorry you've experienced that too. I have complicated health issues, lots of them, which all together make me difficult. It's so much easier IMHO for someone to make reasonable adjustments to their actovities/ behaviour, to benefit both/ all parties. I'd never want to stop my OH going out. Before I was as ill as I am, I'd be out all the time. Since moving, I've managed to integrate myself into a hobby scene which means I don't have to be all alone if he wants to go out. But our place is small and if he expected to come back pissed, I'd probably have to vacate the bedroom and make sure the kids didn't disturb him, and live on the sofa til he was decent. Actually that doesn't sound like the end of the world but our sofa hasn't arrived yet so I wouldn't be wanting to trial it yet... Also if he stays in London after clubbing, he can sober up before he comes home and we get to spend Sunday with him.

Ultimately I don’t think he realises the impact it has on me because he offers to sleep on the sofa which would be fine in theory but he is so bloody noisy, gallumphing about downstairs in the kitchen getting drinks of water, laughing loudly (guffawing is the only word for it) at things on his phone, and spending an extended period of time in the bathroom, all lights on, which is next to the bedroom.
He can sleep through absolutely anything, lucky bastard and I really, trueky don’t think he gets it. Again, he can function well on 4 hours sleep whereas I struggle with 8! Totally different sleep patterns, hygiene and routine. It wasn’t always this bad and I did used to stir, and then fall back asleep when he came in. It’s been this extreme for the past 2 years id say but noticeably more this year

I don't like the stuff about his rights - what about his consideration and care for you as the woman he supposedly loves, and that it's putting you out?

Would you be able to come to some compromise where one of the two nights he stays out, and sleeps on the sofa the other? And you get ear-plugs/put on a white noise machine to use?

Does he actually make any effort at all to be quiet when he comes in late?

His social life isn't at threat surely? That's just him trying to say you're being controlling, when all you actually want is for him to be quiet when coming in.

@LavaLampLover I hear you re sofa! That was the last thing to be delivered when we moved, we had to wait 6 weeks for it, which made situations like this a nightmare (for me, at least...) I think that was the time I deadlocked the door...

why is he pretending to be 37 when, quite obviously, he's 16?

@category12
So, without this being outing, one of the things he does is board games with his friends who still live in London. For him to leave earlier, would mean he’d leave in the middle of a game - so I get that. And I get that this time with his friends is important and I don’t want to stop him. He gets engrossed in it, and usually texts around 1130 saying he didn’t realise how late it was blah blah blah. Then he’ll leave around midnight...

He does and he doesn’t make an effort to be quiet. Sometimes he does, but then he flicks the light on in the hall and uses the bathroom and that’s it. His argument “I can’t NOT use the bathroom and I can’t use it in the dark”.

He was talking about hosting the games night here and having his friends stay over and I’m afraid I did put my foot down and used the words “my dead body” and “over”. I’m not dealing with 5 blokes downstairs loudly bickering over games once a week until gone midnight.

@category12

The sofa thing is a compromise we’ve come to and in the NY, I’m going to trial using earplugs and asking him to wake me up at 630 if I’ve slept through my alarm.
If he doesn’t and I do sleep through my alarm from not hearing it, then obviously the compromise hasn’t worked and he will need to seriously consider staying elsewhere unless he’d like me to lose my job due to repeated lateness and poor performance.

You should see our sofa. It's a Sofology one. We're not well off, I don't work, but were gifted some money and I sold some of my crappy art and the rest is being paid off monthly. Oh god, it's my dream sofa. And it's an unholy shade of green. Actually look forward to dozing on it sometime. We also said sod it and got the matching armchair which is pretty much the size of those loveseats they all sound now. I can't wait to read on that one with my youngest.

I've really lucked out with my OH. Neither of us is perfect and I've dumped guys before for some of the things he does (severe belching which at it's worst has made me sick up from the smell) but god he's mine mine mine. I can have a reasonable conversation with him. It really makes a difference.

Sorry to hear he's seems to think his /rights/ trump your needs. It's seriously not a big deal for someone to learn to tiptoe, or to accept offers to sleep somewhere. He sounds like a dick. That's not how to treat the person you love most.

@pigletjohn not a clue. I think he’s always had relative freedom to come and go as he pleases as a teenager (until his parents confronted him in a similar vein to this). His long term ex, who he lived with, didn’t have this issue and was a deep sleeper so when he came home at similar times, she was none the wiser. Good for her I guess?

Here's the sofa, it's coming in the green you can see in the right on the pouffe thing. It's OHs fave colour and a fave of mine.

Well I don't think he should have to leave earlier, but he does need to compromise a bit.

What about one of these toilet lights?
Ear plugs for you? White noise machine?
Go and see your GP and ask about alternatives to the sleeping pills you have, so that he sees you're doing something as well.

@LavaLampLover
Ours is from DFS and needs to get in the bin. It taunts me. I hate it. Apparently it makes for a very comfy sleep?

Usually DP is rational so I’m considering doing as I would professionally and explaining what happens when he wakes me up, cause and effect. He’s also coming with me to my next consultant appointment and I’m going to get her to explain to him why I can’t just dose myself up with sleeping meds on the Reg and how my MH affects my sleep and vice versa.
Alternatively I might just start throwing water on him when he drops off to sleep and asking how he likes to be rudely awakened...

Oh and it sounds like your OH has the same hobby as me. There are nearer groups probably, but when you make friends at one it's a shame to dump them. I go into Reading to game. We have one guy in particular who likes to drink several pints during the night. It's so much better when he's not there. I don't like to mix beer with my gaming.

Sorry, x-posted and realised I'm repeating myself about ear-plugs.

@category12 tbh those toilets look stylish as hell and I’d like one anyway.

Part of the sleep issue is due to anxiety, which I can’t take beta blockers for (asthma). I wish I could take something which worked and didn’t make me feel like I was zapped of cognitive ability and energy the next day though, and need a review in the NY probably.

@category12 those loos are amazing. Tomorrow we got the seat in the pic to the main bathroom loo while my kids are with my mum, big surprise for them.

@RubyWho I'd live on zopiclone if I could, it makes me feel amazing as well as knock me out, but him suggesting you take more of yours is silly, they're prescribed to help your condition, not situations which can be avoided. Silly man. Definitely ask the consultant to explain it to him.

@LavaLampLover
You’re not that far from me. We are in Surrey, on the Hants border. Friends he meets up with are where we used to live, in SW London (A London borough which begins with K, and may have a Uni in it).

Forgot to attach pic.

There's a gaming shop in Aldershot. Well, I assume it's still there. Reading's game shop is Eclectic, down Union St ("smelly alley"). And there's stacks of gaming events through the week at various locations.

I'm trying to think if there's any way of him altering where he goes but I don't think that actually changes the issue.

I kinda want the toilet light even though I really don't need it.

Hope you get a decent night's sleep in the end, OP.

He games with very long-standing friends and it’s not something I want to change at all, I know the hobby and his friends are important and have no issue with it. I just want him to be slightly less baby elephant like when comes in. I’ve never used the words “hawking”, “guffawing”, “gallumphing”, or “crashing about” as much as I do the next morning when I loudly recount how h has ruined my day/life (I’m a tad dramatic when I’m tired...).

Of course YANBU. Even if you didn't have problems getting to sleep, once or twice a week is excessive for him to disturb you.

I really don't see why he won't sleep on one of his friends' sofas. It seems a very sensible solution.

I have some sympathy for him

If turning a light on in a different room wakes you or keeps you awake it seems an impossible situation

I have to try sleep soon. OP, I hope you sleep soon and I hope everything goes well. X

So he doesn't want to "put out" any of his friends, but is quite happy to fuck up your mental health, life and possibly job?
What a prince he is!

Don't ask, TELL him not to come back in that state. Enlist the help of one friend who should take charge of him and take him home with either them, or another friend.

Either that or smother him while he snores.

I'm so sorry - he is not being at all kind or respectful to you - he's a selfish drunken arse.